Page 16 of Calculated Chaos

Fuck. I don’t even remember driving to this point. Better check in before the weekend ends in the ER.

“Is it about last night?” Holl asks a few seconds later. “You’re distracted.”

“Oh, um, yeah, kind of. I realized I, um, might have some tendencies I wasn’t aware of.”

Hollister laughs, nodding his head, but doesn’t say much else. I spot the venue sign and get in the left lane to make the turn, thankful for the distraction. I talk to Holl about everything, but I’m not ready to talk about this.

I don’t know how to tackle the fact that I was turned on by the scene. Turned on by seeing my best friend strapped down and waiting for me to give him what he needed. Fucking jealous when Blaze offered to take the crop from me and handle Hollister, and worse, the disorienting emotions that ran through me watching Blaze handle Hollister in the first place. I can’t talk about what I don’t understand.

“Here we are,” I announce the obvious.

Hollister peers out the front window at the nondescript brick building. “This is brunch?”

“Yeah. Brunch and a show. Let’s go.”

He chuckles as he exits the car. “Ah, the show. I should’ve realized it wouldn’t be just a meal.”

I wink at him, wrapping my arm around his shoulders and pulling him into me like I always do. “It should be fun.”

He nods, but I know he’s nervous about what I’m going to spring on him this time. He’s always nervous. That’s the whole point of this weekend. To loosen the guy up. He works hard and deserves to have some fun.

We enter the building, signing in and then being led to our table, which is right in front of the stage. There are already a lot of people here and soon enough the place is full. The stage has a runway down the center and a pole in the middle. This should be interesting.

“Gonna tell me what this is?” Hollister asks, his eyes darting around the room.

“Drag brunch. We’ve talked about how we can be better allies for the LGBTQ+ community before, so I figured this was a good start.”

Hollister smiles, his shoulders dropping. Did he think it was a sex show? I guess after last night he might’ve.

“Great choice,” he says, smiling. He lifts his water glass, holding it out to me.

I lift mine too.

“To new experiences,” he says.

“I’ll drink to that.”

Chapter Nine

HOLLISTER

By the time I crack my eyes open on Monday morning, I feel like I’m returning from a long-ass vacation, both relaxed and exhausted. I have no idea what’s on the books for today, but Axel warned me last night that he had one more thing planned.

I climb out of bed and shuffle to the bathroom attached to my room. We chose this house specifically for the two primary suites, even though it was more than I wanted to spend. Axel nudged me with all his cost versus benefit points. The man does know how to get to my accountant heart.

As I brush my teeth, I force my gaze up to my reflection. I’m forty fucking years old today. Damn. My life isn’t at all how I thought it would be as a bright-eyed teenager. Okay, semi-bright. I’ve always been a little more serious and grounded than my peers. But divorced, single, living with Axel, and still slaving away at a desk job to live up to my impossible-to-please father’s expectations was never part of the vision.

Before that reality took over, I had plans to finish college, go on to graduate school, and then pursue my first love—cooking. A heavy weight settles over me. It’s been so long since I’ve even had time to cook for myself, much less pursue it as a career. I didn’t want to be just a chef though, which made my goals even more unrealistic. No way was I working for someone else’s success. And frankly, with the failure rate of restaurants, it didn’t make sense fiscally. I wouldn’t be my father’s son if I didn’t consider that.

Not for the first time, I wonder what it is about me that’s so desperate for my father’s approval. Why aren’t I happy enough to have my mom and stepdad’s support? Why do I care about anyone’s approval but my own? That’s probably a question best tackled by a therapist, but I’ll never see one. While I think therapy is a great tool, I know for a fact I would never be able to open up my inner thoughts to a stranger. Nope. No way.

After I shower and throw on some clothes, I venture out to the living room to see what Axel has planned for me today. Saturday’s drag brunch was hilarious and something I’d definitely do again. Later that evening, we had dinner at the trendiest Japanese restaurant in the city, and Axel did all the ordering to make sure I tried things out of the norm for me. It was okay.

Yesterday was kind of fun. He took me to a dispensary for a lesson on cannabis, and I walked out with some edibles to start with. I’ve never been against it for other people, but again, the loss of control makes me nervous. At least he let me out of using them last night.

Gah, I sound so ungrateful. Axel is the best friend a guy could hope for, especially a guy like me. If it weren’t for him, I’d probably be an antisocial hermit. He’s the one who dragged me to college parties and introduced me to pretty girls. He’s the one who takes me to movies, restaurants, and anything else of interest in the city. He likes spending time with me. I should show him how much he means to me even if it’s hard for me to display it.

He comes around the corner from the kitchen, smiling when he sees me. “Sleep well?”

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