Page 98 of The List of Things

“Because you have reasons to feel the way you do. And all of those feelings come from experience, and that’s valid... So why would I, a man, try to convince you that men don’t suck? Why would I try to convince you of anything? There’s no power in words in this type of situation. I can only hope that one day someone will show you. That’s all.”

This is another moment where I feel like he’s not real. He always knows what to say. And he’s always respectful about it. His words also sting because the hopeless romantic in me is telling me that he has shown me. That he’s right here, doing just that. Showing me, but I know that’s not the truth. He’s showing me a fake version of himself. This List version.

“I appreciate you...” I don’t think before I speak, but it’s true.

Bellamy is far better than most, even as a friend. He’s just a good person. He’s quiet now, probably not knowing how to respond to me. I watch as another plane shoots across the sky, the lights looking just like more stars.

“My parents were the same as yours. When me and my sister were younger they were around a lot more. They would do family dinner every night and we all cooked together. My mom loved cake and desserts. My dad loved baking them. I want what they had, that’s what I want with my future. I want my kids to love each other the way I love my sister. I want to love my wife the way my dad loved my mom. That and football of course. The NFL.”

“Football is important to me too. The NFL. Just like it is for you. I want to be on the field, always,” I smile at the thought.

It’s all I’ve wanted for years.

“Wouldn’t that be something?” He asks and I look over at him, seeing him stare up at the sky, a plane passing just as he does.

“What?” I ask.

“Us, years down the road. We both graduated, and we both moved on with our lives. What if I’m working and just see you on the sidelines one day, wouldn’t that be something? Even better if you were working for my team.”

I smile, imagining how good it would feel to see his face after years of not. He’d probably be married, with kids. The picture perfect romance he deserves. If I’ve ever said anything true it’s that. Bellamy deserves to be loved so hard by someone.

“That would be something,” I smile to myself, despite the small tinge of hurt I feel thinking of it.

Thinking of me feeling the same thing in my chest for him that I do now all those years down the road. Thinking I might love him, but never actually knowing if I do. You can’t fall in love with someone this soon, can you? You can’t truly build a real relationship off of someone you’re fake dating for a fake list, can you? No. You can’t.

“I want you to stay for the summer. Not for me, but for you. I won’t make it weird. I won’t even talk to you if you don’t want to if that means you’ll stay. I just want you to get the future you want, just like me,” He tells me and I shake my head.

“It’s not you. It’s more than that,” I admit, knowing I won’t be telling him the full reason.

“Good, because if you turn this down because of me I’m going to be pissed,” He has no idea that he just called me out.

I won’t tell him either.

“Tell me about your sister...” I offer up something I know he won't be able to shut up about, changing the subject away from me.

Bellamy starts talking about her, and not only her but his family. His grandparents, and his parents too. He doesn’t stop and it’s obvious he’s proud of who he was raised by. It’s obvious he misses his parents more than anything, and that he’s his sister Brianne’s biggest fan. It’s blatantly obvious that Bellamy Archer has the biggest heart of anyone I’ve ever met in the entire world, and that thought alone makes me feel like a big ball of messy unresolved feelings. Things with Bellamy are so much more than they were supposed to be. This feels cluttered, and it feels confusing, but more importantly, it feels so, so good…

CHAPTERTWENTY-THREE

CRAZIER BY TAYLOR SWIFT

We looked at the planes,and the stars for a while, but decided to leave before it was too late. The second we got in the car the music was turned up loud, and I realized that Bellamy really does have a thing for boy bands. I didn’t know how serious his obsession was until now but it turns out we both share a huge love for the ‘90s bubblegum pop, and even the new age stuff too. He might have a bigger crush on Harry Styles than I do.

I sing along with him as we drive home, the air light as it whips through the open Jeep. He smiles brightly when he doesn’t care, and I think it makes me feel the best knowing he feels comfortable around me like this. Part of me wonders if he ever felt like this with Leah, or anyone else. If he ever felt like he could be the way he is with me. The thought loses itself as he slows the car down, turning off the main road. I look around and see the pretty street we’ve stopped at.

“What are you doing?” He stops the car haphazardly on the street.

His parallel parking is anything but good.

“Doing what I signed up for. Come on,” He motions and he gets out of the car.

I don’t wait for him to open my door, I just get out. He keeps the engine running. I look at the small quaint street, during the day I’m sure it would be just as pretty, but right now it has bistro lights strung around, and over. Some people are milling around, but most of the street is empty and quiet.

Bellamy leans into the car through the open window and grabs his phone. I watch him as he fiddles with it, moving quickly. He cranks the volume in his Jeep, playing something slightly different from what we were listening to before. Crazier by Taylor Swift blasts from the car, and he jogs up to me, not hesitating to grab my hand and pull me into the middle of the street.

“Was this planned?”

He starts to sway me, our chests pressed together tight. His large hand is spread on my lower back, pulling me close to him. He keeps my hand in his, and my other hand rests on his shoulder as I look up at him.

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