Page 97 of The List of Things

“I started to realize it before I got to college. It was a dumb relationship. I know high school romances are silly and superficial, and whatever, but it still hurts my feelings. I know I said I never dated anyone before Dylan, but that’s because I don’t count high school. It’s not a real relationship, it doesn’t matter.”

“Stop downplaying the way you feel to make everyone else feel comfortable around you.”

My mouth opens but nothing comes out. He really just called me out.

“You did it the other day after Leah was mean to you. You pretended it wasn’t a big deal when it was. If it hurts then it hurts, that’s just it. It’s okay if something makes you feel something else.”

His words sound so simple but they’re anything but.

“Okay, fine. It hurt my feelings a lot and it didn’t feel superficial to me at all. My boyfriend at the time cheated on me with who I thought was my best friend, and it made me feel like complete shit. So I said no more boyfriends until after college, and then that’s when I started hooking up with people occasionally,” Talking about this is easy with him.

It feels like second nature.

“I hated how helpless I felt and how sad I felt, and I hated more than anything that someone else had done something to make me feel that way and there was nothing I could tell myself to make it better. There are a lot of worse things in the world, but having your heartbroken still really hurts... Far more than it should.”

I vividly remember how hard I took that breakup. How devastated I was.

“So if you swore off dating from then on out, why Dylan?”

I almost gag at the name.

“Stupidity? Lapse of judgment?” I joke and he laughs softly. “He was one of the only people I’ve hooked up with that almost made me come… Which is a horrible excuse to date him, but the sex wasn’t that bad, and he was really good at talking, back then at least. Now when he talks it sounds like nails on a chalkboard. He’s such a dick too... Before you and I started all of this when we were at Leah’s party... He called me out for sleeping with people. He said I'd let anyone in my pants, and I agreed with him because I let him in there. But he cheated on me too. So why would he expect me to stay?” I finally get it off my chest and feel relief as I do. I never talk about these things.

“Because he lacks every bit of common sense he could ever possess,” He tells me. “I’m sorry... That he cheated, that anyone did.”

I groan, “And it’s such a disappointment that men that exist in books and TV shows don’t exist in the real world. We grow up hearing and reading about Prince Charming, but where the fuck are all the Prince Charmings? I’m getting all the Gastons you know? The assholes and the shitty ones. I know the real ones, the good ones are there, but is it really worth it to look when you’re going to get hurt a million times?” I ask.

I don’t stop though, my mind is on a roll.

“It’s just so stupid. All of this, relationships, feelings, emotions... Love is like... It’s like a con job and men? Such a fucking letdown.”

He continues to laugh next to me.

“You’re not wrong,” He agrees with me, which is a shock.

“Bellamy you are the only man I’ve ever in my life been with who made sure I came first which should be the bare minimum, but here we are… And you did that twice the first time, two whole times. Then last night? That was like a miracle... And it’s not reality. None of this is, these stupid feelings, and all these dates, and everything that’s happening is awesome Bellamy, but it’s not real, it’s all for a list, and it’s just… So frustrating. That’s why I’m against dating and romance because it’s not worth the fallout. It never has been.”

We sit in silence as I catch my breath after spilling my heart.

“I had no idea. I thought it was just because you were scared of commitment or something. You actually have plenty of reasons. I get it,” He tells me. “So that leads me to my next question. Does that mean it’s forever? Your hatred for all of this? Don’t you want kids and a family one day?”

I shrug, “I mean if I’m honest the idea of it sounds great. Married to someone, with kids, a dog, and a grumpy cat. A big house somewhere nice, a vacation home, and college funds set up for all of the kids. I have a perfect image of it in my head but the only problem is getting there. That’s what I can’t handle. I can’t deal with all the dating, the breakups, and the constant letdowns... Because that’s what relationships are, they’re constant letdowns. You of all people know that. You’ve been in far more than me.”

“I have and I’m always going to be open to more.”

I can’t comprehend it. I feel like that should be considered a form of masochism.

“But why?”

“Because being hurt by relationships is kind of meant to happen, I guess? It’s not meant to hurt unless you really force it to. That’s something I’ve noticed... Like when Leah and I broke up. It didn’t start really hurting me until she started doing what she does. It’s like when you try to force a puzzle piece together or something. It was never meant to fit, it’s never going to no matter how hard you try. But you’ve got to keep trying other pieces till one finally fits,” He tries to make it make sense in my mind and I do get it. Somewhat…

“I guess I see where you’re coming from,” I agree. “Are you not going to try and convince me that relationships are worth it? Or that not all men are complete shit?” He sighs next to me.

“No. I don’t see a reason to.”

Once again. Bellamy’s words take me by surprise.

“Okay, but why?”

---