Page 18 of Pretty Black

“Get out.” The drugs took hold of my system, slowing my heart and easing the expansion of my lungs. I pushed to my feet, calm beginning to work its way through my bloodstream. What a wonder a pill could do, tricking my body into continuing to function. I’d been doing it for so long, I almost missed what reality felt like.

“Don’t be like that.”

I exhaled and inhaled a full breath. Too bad real life didn’t let me function. At least not at the level I needed it to work.

“Iris, please talk to me,” Caspian said when I didn’t answer.

“I don’t want to talk to you.” I turned my head towards the window, refusing to look at him.

“Why not?” Caspian said softly, his voice betraying him. He could act innocent, but I knew in my gut what he’d done. “Just talk to me. I don’t want this. There is no talking Alexander out of it.”

“Bullshit. You did this.”

“How could you even say that?” Caspian sounded offended, but he got in my face, trying to pull me into his arms as much as I wanted to embrace him. I resisted. “Look at me? I love you. Why are you blaming me?”

“Did you tell him?” I stepped away from his treacherous embrace.

“Iris.”

“Did you fucking tell Alexander you thought I was suicidal?” I screamed, shoving him away.

Caspian dropped his head. “I had to tell someone. You’re going to kill yourself.”

“I told you I wouldn’t. I told you why I wouldn’t. Do you not trust me?”

“You look like you’re killing yourself. I’m worried, and I love you.”

“No, you don’t.” I shouldn’t have said it in that moment, but it came out of me.

“I do. I didn’t feel like I had any other choice.”His head dropped forward and the realization settled into his face.

“Well, I don’t love you!” I screamed, all of my rage and betrayal finally bleeding from me. “I don’t even fucking know you.”

“You don’t mean that.” Devastation contorted his features.

“I do mean it,” I said as coldly as possible.

“You can’t.” He pressed his eyes closed, wrecked with grief.

The audacity of him, feeling bad for himself while I was about to be locked in a fucking box for gods knew how long. “I can’t what? Not love someone who clearly doesn’t love me? I think I can.” It was a lie. I didn’t think there would be a day I wouldn’t love him, but I’d never trust him again.

“What did you want me to do? You were going to kill yourself, Iris. Would you have let your brother?”

“Keep his fucking name out of your mouth. You have no idea what my life is like.”

“Iris, this isn’t what I wanted to do, but I’m so terrified I’ll lose you.”

“I fucking told you I wasn’t suicidal. I fucking told you I was fine.”

“Anyone can look at you and see you’re not fine. I wake up every single fucking day wondering if it will be the one you OD or jump off a building.”

“So you didn’t trust me when I told you I wasn’t actively suicidal?” I crossed my arms, lifting my chin, holding back all the emotions welling up inside me. The person I trusted most in the world didn’t trust me, and worse, he’d betrayed mine. I really was alone with Marc gone. I had no one.

“What did you expect me to think when you are barely functioning and nearly ODing. You are on the roof or the balcony all the time.”

“I’m there because—” I bit off my words. He didn’t deserve to know. He didn’t deserve my reasons for being on the roof. “Never mind. I don’t expect anything from you anymore, and you can expect my silence.”

“Iris…” He stepped forward, but I moved back, putting a hand up.

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