Page 20 of Pretty Black

Felix drove around the block so as to not get caught in the crowd and headed in the direction of the back of the courthouse. Caspian got Mr. St. Clair’s secretary on the phone and had her call his cell.

“Okay, there’s a parking garage for employees which has direct access into the building; they are going to let us in that way. We should be on time, but the bailiff is going to speak to the judge in case it takes us longer than we’re expecting,” Elijah said when he got off the phone.

I nodded, not trusting my voice. I hadn’t loaded up on drugs like I had last time this happened, but I’d taken a bar, and it felt like I hadn’t taken anything. I pulled my cigarette case out of my back pocket, opening it up to grab another, muttering, “Fucking tolerance.”

Caspian eyed me.

“What?”

“Another one?” he asked but not meanly.

“I can’t have a panic attack in the fucking courtroom. How will that look?”

“Like you’re terrified of Alexander.”

I shook my head. I saw his point, but I didn’t think it would make it better. “No, I don’t want to take the risk that he thinks I’m faking it. I want to seem fine. It’s the only shot I have to make them believe that I’m okay.”

He nodded slowly, letting me put the bar between my lips. I often exceeded the recommended dose, but I’d been taking it a long time, and Alexander somehow got the doctors I saw to approve it. I’d been in survival mode for so long, I didn’t know how to function outside of it. Not that I thought a psych hold would help, but I’d love to get to some semblance of normal. I just knew it would take a lot longer than three days or even ninety days. I needed time off and for my life not to be falling apart.

We parked and walked in only to find Alexander and his lawyers standing outside the courtroom, grinning like they’d already won. One look at me had Alexander smug. It bled from him, dripped from every fucking pore. He reveled in it. He’d seen what the psych hold had done to me last time, and he was giddy to serve me another round, like negative reinforcement would somehow train me like a damn animal.

“Is killing him still out of the question?” I whispered in Caspian’s ear.

“Less and less by the second.” Caspian barely restrained the anger in his voice. “Was he like this last time?”

“Yes.”

“I’m so fucking stupid. I don’t know how I didn’t see it. He’s gloating.”

“So we can kill him then?” I asked, getting more numb by the second. I craved it. I wanted to feel nothing, at least for a little while.

“I’m tempted, but I’d rather not have either of us in jail.”

“Always the voice of reason.” My hands clammed up, and I wiped them on my pants, needing to get in there.

“It will be another few minutes,” a bailiff poked his head out of the doors. “The judge had a hard time getting in as well. So if you’ll all hold tight. We will begin shortly.”

The lawyers agreed, and I paced, pent up with restless energy.

“I’m going to hit the bathroom.” I had a vape pen and needed a hit badly, but I wasn’t about to do it out in the open, legal or not.

“I’m coming with you,” Caspian said, and I didn’t fight him.

So we stepped away from Mr. St. Clair and let the bodyguards do their thing before we slipped inside.

I sat on the countertop and took a drag from the pen before offering it to him. He shook his head. “I hate him so much.”

“Me too.” He pressed in between my knees, resting his forehead to mine. “What can I do?”

“I don’t think anything unless you have a way for us to escape and change our names.”

“I don’t carry around our fake documents. I need a little more warning.”

I laughed without humor. “I don’t know how I’m going to get through this again.”

“I know.” He cupped my face. “I’ll be there as much as possible.”

“If Alexander lets you.”

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