Page 21 of Pretty Black

“I’m sure Mr. St. Clair will get all your medical stuff fixed. I want to know how he got the video.”

“I can only imagine he’s still on all the stuff for your building security.”

“Fuck.” Caspian stiffened.

“We need to have him removed from as much as possible. We will have to see if Mr. St. Clair can get someone in his office on that.” The more we talked about it, the more I needed a release. I took another hit from the vape pen.

“You don’t want to be high when you go in there,” Caspian said carefully.

“This strain is for anxiety. It doesn’t make me high. I have a guy who knows all about strains and types and helped me find a good one. I have one that helps me sleep too. Let me stop with the sleeping pills.”

Caspian stared at me, brows up. “I’m impressed.”

“I’ve done a lot to mitigate how much crap I take. It’s not good, but it’s better than it was two years ago when we broke up.” It felt good to shock him and everyone else who assumed the worst about my habits. “And way better than last year at the studio.”

“I don’t know how you survived that.”

I lifted my shoulders, leaning back against the glass. “I don’t know how I’ve survived any of it. Sometimes it’s minute by minute.” It was cathartic to get it out. My safe space had returned, even if it took nearly dying to get it back. I reached for his hand, and he let me take it.

“You’re the bravest person I’ve ever met, Iris Rose.” He rubbed his thumb over the signet ring.

“I don’t feel like it. I don’t want to face any of it.”

“But you do, and you didn’t have to step off the ledge for me. I know you’re here today for me, and I will never be able to repay you or thank you for giving me another day at the expense of you. I don’t deserve you. All this time.” He dropped his head, squeezing my hand.

I leaned forward, hugging him to me. “I won’t lie and say I’m not terrified of what the future will bring, and I can’t say I won’t want to die again, but today I want to live.”

His head came up, and he searched my eyes for the truth. “Really?”

“Yes.”

“Even with all of the Alexander stuff and the psych hold?”

“Yes. I missed you so much. Like I carried a chasm of your missing pieces in my chest. Cracked and empty. My broken pieces don’t fit back together without you, and as much as it hurt to forgive you and trust you, I want another day. I want to wake up with you again. I want to get to see all the places and things we should have been able to take advantage of the last five years but were too stuck and overworked to do. I want to have a first date and hold your hand in public. I want to be able to gush over my boyfriend in an interview, and maybe these are all fucking stupid reasons to want to live, but I’m so tired of denying myself the little bits of joy this life offers. I’m tired of drowning in my misery.”

“You can’t put all your mental health on us, Iris. That’s not good either.”

“I’m saying your dick, as great as it is, isn't going to cure my depression, but I want to find those little moments we used to have and sink into them. Those happy memories are what’s keeping me going right now, and I don’t think that’s wrong.”

“I don’t think it’s wrong either. Whatever you need. As soon as they let you out, I got you,” he whispered next to my ear. “Anything you want to do or see?”

“I think we have a long legal battle first.”

“Bullshit. I’m going to figure it out.” He pulled back enough to look into my eyes. “I promise.”

“That sounds really nice. Thank you.”

“It’s not just for you. I want all those things too. I want to feel at least as normal as possible. I’m going to be twenty-four next month. Neither of us has had any of those things. I’ve never been on a first date.”

I laughed. “Not even in high school?!”

“I was in love with this beautiful guy who only saw music and not me.” Caspian put on his blond god smile.

I brushed my fingers over his lips. “I missed this.”

He kissed my fingers. “What?”

“Your smile. It’s been a rough couple of years.” I replaced my fingers with my lips, wanting to taste the little bit of happiness.

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