Page 40 of Reckless Desire

“Sorry to hear that.” Dan plays with the eraser, then dusts his hands and puts them into his pockets. “I’m sorry about everything. I can see now how I got it all wrong. I just kept surprising you with these big life decisions. I made assumptions and rolled all over you with the moving-in-together suggestion at the worst moment ever. I thought I was protecting you from further stress on your first day. Sorry. I should have done it all very differently.”

He sees my point. He gets it. I’m relieved I don’t have to explain and argue. Though a big part of me questions why his apology doesn’t spark happiness. Dread claws at me because Dan’s words don’t seem to lead to the destination I want. My goal is to remain friends. Or at least reasonably getting-along coworkers.

Before I can react, he continues. “I got it all wrong and I want to correct it. I don’t want to fight anymore. I want to give you what you deserve, Sydney.” He pulls a black box from his pocket and panic immediately rises inside me, expanding so quickly that I instinctively step back.

Clutching my purse to my chest, I search for a response. I want to say something. Stop him. Rewind time. Anything. But I’m frozen. I’m in the middle of a nightmare and I can’t wake from it because I’m not actually asleep. I have to live through it.

“I love you, Sydney.”

Involuntarily I glance at the door, yearning to run out. To escape this impossible situation. I’ve been with this man for almost a year and he knows nothing about me. How have I never seen how self-absorbed he is?

“This would have been the correct order of discussing things. I’m sorry I left you in doubt. There is nothing else I want more than to spend the rest of my life with you. I’m pragmatic, so I’m not going for a ridiculously elaborate proposal, but I think this is the natural next step for us.” He opens the box.

A large diamond sits in a nest of tiny pink stones surrounding the solitaire. It’s a pretty ring. Large, with an intricate design. Nothing about it matches my taste or personality. It’s not what I would want even if Ididwant a ring. It’s something you’d buy with a budget you’d set aside prior to entering the store. Practical. Like Dan. I hate pink. I always have.

“Dan, I will never get married. Never. I told you before.” My voice is level, but there is nothing balanced inside me. Just a minute ago, I thought he understood where I was coming from. That we were on the same page. We’re not even in the same fucking book.

“Yes, but that was when we met. We have a good thing going on here. I love you, Sydney. People say things in grief, but then they change their mind.” He reaches out a hand, but I recoil.

The determination in his eyes shocks me. Aside from the fact that he’s proposing after I broke up with him, he’s completely dismissed my feelings toward marriage. He knew from the beginning. I might have not formulated my feelings about commitment overall, but I told him there were no more vows for me. I’ve been there, done that. Still licking the wounds.

“I’m not fucking changing my mind. Not now. Not ever. It’s one of my core beliefs. I don’t believe in marriage. Period. And now you steamroll me with your poor choices all in one day and then think you can fix it with a ring?”

Dan sighs, but he doesn’t seem put off by my reaction. “Okay, I’ll do it the proper way.” He sinks down to one knee.

I blink a few times, but there he is, staring at me with expectation. And confidence. There isn’t a trace of the nervousness he carried when he entered the room. At some point in our conversation, he started believing he was doing the right thing.

Somewhere down the line of our relationship, I thought I began to like this man. To be honest, I liked his reliability. His predictability. The companionship after being lonely for way too long. But have I ever truly likedhim?

I swore off the institution of marriage after Jeremy. But this is no longer about a marriage license. This is much deeper. Much scarier. More painful. How did we end up here?

“Dan, stand up right now. I’m not marrying you. Or anyone else. And how presumptuous to assume that after I broke up with you after your moving-in proposal that an engagement is the solution. What happened yesterday deeply shook my faith in this relationship, and you come and do one thing that I flat-out told you I’m not interested in.”

Color drains from his cheeks, but I don’t stop. “And here, of all places? Jesus, get up before someone sees you.”

And with my magical powers of untimely manifestation, the door clicks. I whip my head around and meet Hunter’s eyes.

ChapterFourteen

Hunter

It’s been a week since I barged in on Sydney’s proposal. The feelings are as raw as if it happened two minutes ago.

I stir my oatmeal and stare at the weather forecast on my phone. Not that I’d notice if it rained frogs. Or a tornado swept through New York. I’ve been absentminded for a week now.

My initial shock immediately turned into murderous thoughts. I can’t erase the image of Sydney’s face from my mind. She looked at me like a deer in the headlights, shocked someone had interrupted the proposal.

The reasonable thing would have been to congratulate her, but apparently I’m way past being reasonable when it comes to the woman. So I’ve been ignoring her.

The more I try to erase her from my mind, the more she lingers. I stopped my housekeeper from changing the sheets in the guest bedroom and I kept the T-shirt she wore the night after the first school day unwashed.

It’s unacceptable behavior, but my obsession is far from allowing any logic. Three years ago, when she didn’t call, I fed the fantasy of her for way too long. I won’t make the same mistake again. So many times I wanted to call London and get Sydney’s number, but I respected her decision. I can be strong again.

“Caroline is outside.” The words came out of her like she was speaking for the first time, her vocal cords surprised by the exercise. I glanced at her fucking fiancé before I slammed that door behind me and I ran. Thirty seconds of my life I wish I could bleach out of my memory.

She’s in a relationship? Fuck me. Why I’m so upset I don’t know. It’s not like there was something between us. It’s all been just my imagination.

The almost-kiss from the other morning after the woman slept in my house has been replaying in my head with the same frequency as our first kiss has been for years now.

---