Page 39 of Reckless Desire

She shrugs again, resigned. Where is the excited girl from this morning? Her self-confidence completely disappears in an academic setting. Yesterday I assumed it was simply the new school/first day behavior. Today, I’m not so sure.

“Can I go outside now?” she asks as though I’m holding her captive. To punish her. To torture her.

“Of course, you get the break like everyone else. I’ll talk to your dad and we can find a few minutes after school to see why the letters on the page don’t change into words in your head. Okay?” I stand up and she nods and scurries away, her lack of comfort with this conversation obvious.

“And for this week, you’re excused from reading in front of the class,” I add as she reaches for the door.

She whips around, the tension in her shoulders easing up visibly. “Thank you.” She dashes out with a smile. First one I’ve seen within these walls.

I don’t have recess duty this week and decide to stay in the room and avoid the teachers’ lounge. I don’t want to run into Dan. I’m not ready to face him and discuss our breakup. Hopefully he doesn’t want to discuss it. Frankly, I’d prefer if he pretended we have no history.

I close my eyes to relax, but my mind keeps wandering back to last night—or rather this morning in Hunter’s kitchen.

I flop into my chair, lower my head into my hands and breathe through a wave of nausea. I can’t deal with my life because my massive hangover is draining all my energy.

The bell rings and the squeals, laughter, and hundreds of footsteps fill the corridor outside the classroom. Recess is over. Shit.

Somehow I survive the rest of the day, providing less than stellar education to my pupils. Not that they complained about all the crafting and games. Second day with my new class and I’m already falling behind.

The beauty of substitute teaching was that I didn’t need to care or feel attached to the overall result. Now I feel like I’m failing these girls, giving them fifty percent instead of the hundred and fifty I usually strive for.

And I only have myself to blame. Who gets drunk on a Monday night?

As soon as I dismiss the class, I pick up my things and hope to get out of the building without being intercepted by anyone. I’ll talk with Hunter briefly about Caroline and politely decline the ice cream date. Not a date. The outing.

I pull my bag from the drawer, and when I look up, I yelp. Dan leans against the door frame.

“You startled me.” I exhale with my hand on my chest, as if that could slow down my heart rate while it attempts an escape through my throat.

“Sorry.” Dan steps in and closes the door behind him. So much for avoiding the conversation.

He walks to me and stops in front of the board, tugging at his jacket. He isn’t dressed up like yesterday, instead wearing a button-down shirt and a blazer with his jeans. Still very handsome, but not as relaxed as yesterday. Dark shadows show under his glasses.

“Where were you last night?” He sounds cold and accusatory.

“What?” I snap, my voice coming out as a raspy squeal, courtesy of my dry, hungover mouth. And two emotions that fight for attention—guilt and indignation.

“I was distressed by the way the events unraveled yesterday. I went over to talk to you.”

I raise my eyebrows and he adds, “I needed to talk to you. To apologize. To patch things up, Sydney.”

“I went out with London.” Guilt clutches at my stomach. Since this morning, I’ve had a hard time focusing, thinking, maintaining basic human functions. And my misery has just expanded tenfold.

I don’t want to lie to Dan, but I can’t imagine telling him the complete truth would be taken lightly, even though we’re no longer together. I slept at another man’s house. A parent.

“Are you okay?” Dan frowns. Some of my conflicting emotions must show on my face.

No, I’m not.I’m tired, with a huge hangover and unresolved attraction to the father of my student.

“I have a headache,” I say instead. Technically true. I wish he would go away so I can think. My heart and other voices are screaming in my head, demanding we abort mission.

When I stormed out of the park yesterday, I was upset. Not about Dan’s behavior, but at letting our relationship derail this much without me addressing it sooner. If I’m honest, this thing with Dan has never been more than a convenient distraction.

Does that make me a bad person? I don’t know. I truly believed we were on the same page, that he wasn’t looking for anything long-term either.

Perhaps Lo is right that I was never open enough with Dan to clarify my position. I guess I never truly cared enough. It’s not like he’s ever told me he loved me. I would have pulled back right then.

Yet guilt weaves through me as I look at him. And it’s not only related to this morning’s almost-kiss with Hunter. I’m half surprised and half relieved our breakup impacted me very little.

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