Page 214 of Dirty Padraig: Dirty Dusters

Even though there was no love behind it when he placed it on my finger, his having them commissioned showed his commitment to our marriage. Because in the beginning, hewascommitted to trying to make things work between us, whereas I was only ever committed to destroying him.

I hurt him intentionally. I damaged him deliberately.

I promised him everything, then gave him nothing. When all he ever wanted was to be a husband and a father and to be loved in return.

Our relationship was broken beyond repair before I finally reciprocated his love. I realize that now. I changed him for the worse when I repeatedly threw his love for me back in his face.

I do love him.

Totally. Completely. Unconditionally.

For the first time in a long time, I can think ahead. I can actually see a future. I have an opportunity to make more memories. The only way I can do that is by living life.

Can I do that with Eoin when he’s openly admitted he doesn’t think he’ll be able to change?

“While all the cards have been laid on the table and all the truths have been revealed, he’s been quite vocal about the fact that he won’t be able to change his possessive, protective ways. What concerns me most is how can we expect it to work the second time around if what we had didn’t work the first time. The situation with the Ruoccos won’t be the last time we have guns pointed at our heads.”

“It’s not just about him changing, Jainie. Marriage is a two-way street. You know that. Ace wasn’t perfect. Eoin isn’t perfect either, but then neither are you. You have to compromise. Make allowances. Find a middle ground. You have to be prepared to adapt for him too. If you want to, that is.”

Duke’s right. I know he is. Have I been putting all the responsibility for change on Eoin simply because I refused to?

Yes.

“And Padraig?”

“We revisited the place we went on our third date.”

“And how did that make you feel?”

“Spending that time with him reminded me of all the reasons I fell in love with him in the first place.”

“But?”

“I don’t think he loves me.”

Duke chuckles, and I look up at him. “I’ve spent a lot of time with Padraig these past weeks. If you don’t mind me saying, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a boy so in love with a girl, Jainie.”

“But he’s never said the words, well, at least not recently.”

“Do you need to hear them when you can feel them? Surely, you know in your heart that he loves you, just like you know in your heart that Ace is always with you.”

We sit in silence.

“What’s on your mind, Jainie?”

“They want me to choose between them, and I don’t think I can, Duke.”

“Can I give you my advice?”

“Please.”

“In our life, we need to grab love and happiness where we can, so follow your heart and don’t try to second guess what it’s telling you. Sometimes, when facing two paths, a third miraculously appears.”

Or one gets removed.

The O’Connell Home, Darling, New York

“It’s good to see you, Jaine. How have you been?” Roisin motions her head for me to step inside the house before politely kissing me on the cheek and giving me a hug.

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