Page 213 of Dirty Padraig: Dirty Dusters

“How doesit feel being back in your own apartment, Jainie?”

I motion my head for Duke to step inside, then, closing the door, I glance around the familiar monochrome space in its shades of black, white, anthracite, and silver.

“While I’m grateful to Roisin and Fergal for letting us stay with them, it’s good to finally be home.”

He turns around, and we stare at each other. This is the first time we’ve been alone without the kids present since the news broke. That my comment was the reason Ace was targeted. That my comment is the reason he’s dead.

Tears run down my face, and I wipe them off with the back of my hand.

“It’s all my fault, Duke,” I sob.

He takes me by the hand, then leads me to the sofa. We both sit down, and he pulls me tightly against his chest.

“Now, you listen here, Jainie. What happened to Ace wasn’t your fault. What you said wasn’t what infuriated Sophia. What made her mad was knowing that you and Padraig loved each other. No one had control over that. We love who we love.”

“But…”

“There are no buts, Jainie. The outcome would have been the same whether you said the words or not. As far as Sophia was concerned, if she was never going to be happy, then you weren’t allowed to be either. She held you responsible for the failure of her marriage when I’m told it was her personality that ruined things for her. All of us have to move on now. Sophia’s dead. Luciano’s dead. That toxic Ruocco bloodline has been ended, and the Steele one will continue through JJ. That’s what’s important. There’s no point dwelling on things we can’t change. There isn’t anything that will bring Ace back.”

I cry, and I’m sure I can hear Duke shed a tear too. I don’t acknowledge it, as I know he wouldn’t want me to. Like me, he’ll just be relieved that it’s over and that Ace can finally be laid to rest.

“I miss him so damn much, Jainie.”

“I know you do.”

And then we cry some more. Me for my best friend. Duke for his son.

Time passes.

“So, what’s next on the cards?”

I shrug. “Well, we left the apartment in such a rush, so I need to get it child-friendly again, then bring the kids home, and….”

“Between you and Padraig and you and Eoin, I mean.”

I exhale. “Well, I’ve finally thanked Eoin for the hog.”

“So, you’ve decided to keep it.”

“I’ll never be able to part with it now, or at least not willingly.”

That ride and I have been through so much together in such a short time. It will never replace the Softail Pop gifted me on my eighteenth birthday. Nothing can ever replace something or someone you loved with your whole heart. Just like my loving Irish and Eoin will never lessen my love for Ace. My remarrying, if that’s what I decide to do, won’t detract from the vows I took with him either.

I stare down at the barely-there band on my finger. Ace was buried with his still in place because I disagree. Death does not do us part. I will always be Jason Steele’s old lady, his wife, his best friend, and the mother of his son. Fact. Death can’t change that.

“And what’s happening with you and Eoin these days?”

I exhale in frustration. “We went out for dinner, and he admitted that he’s been pushing me away in part because of the guilt he’s been feeling. He feels responsible for me and Padraig not ending up together. He isn’t. If you removed Eoin from the equation, Irish and I would still be exactly where we are right now. The catalyst was the arranged marriage itself, not what subsequently happened. But he refuses to see that.”

“He will do eventually, but it will have to be in his own time, Jainie. So everything’s been aired between you and him? There are no more secrets?”

“As far as I’m aware, everything’s out in the open.”

“And are you thinking of marrying him a second time?”

I move Ace’s wedding band up and down my finger on a place where, not so long ago, two rested. The ring Eoin gave me also signified something binding.

Something sincere. Something honest.

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