Page 215 of Dirty Padraig: Dirty Dusters

Given that my visit is unannounced, I imagine it’s not as good to see me as she’s making out.

I walk past, taking in the familiar gold-flocked wallpaper and the ever-expanding shrine of photos filled with so many images of my own two boys. It feels like a lifetime since I’ve lived here, but it’s only been two days. I miss it, and I don’t.

She’s dressed formally in black pants, a cream twin set, and black kitten-heeled shoes, a sign that she’s either just had a visitor or she’s expecting one. Now that we’re no longer on lockdown, a much-needed sense of normalcy has returned for all of us.

Does she know why I’m here? Like with Duke, I haven’t had the opportunity to speak to her one-on-one without the kids or another O’Connell being present, and what I have to say requires privacy. For anyone else, it would have required an engraved bullet.

We stare at each other.

She knows.

I’ve got to give it to her. That Ma Duster intuition of hers never lets her down. It always seems to know exactly when to kick in, more so when it comes to safeguarding Roisin O’Connell when she’s about to be confronted by her own wrongdoings.

“Come through, Jaine.”

I follow her into the living space. She takes a seat on the sectional while I remain standing.

“How are the boys? I’ve…”

“Why?”

She frowns.

“I don’t know what….”

“You know exactly what I’m asking.” I interrupt her once more. I then wait for her to find her words.

“You loved each other. It was the only way.”

I run my hand down my face. “Have you learned nothing, Roisin? The lies? The deceit? What it leads to?”

“Eoin loved you, Jaine.”

“And I loved him, but that didn’t give us an automatic pass, and it definitely didn’t give you permission to interfere.” I start pacing the floor. “That you could sink so low and send a message from Irish’s phone.”

You and Eoin have my blessing to move on with your lives together, darlin’. I wish you all the best.

I stop and stare at her. “Those twenty generic words made me feel like everything Irish, and I had gone through meant nothing to him. I felt cheated by those words. I expected more. I needed more. I fucking deserved more. Letting him go was a big deal for me. I couldn’t understand why it wasn’t the same for him. But he never did let me go, did he? He didn’t actually give me that all-important permission to be with his own brother. You did!” I stare at her, my cheeks wet. “I had no choice but to reveal my alter-ego to Eoin. Ask me why.”

“Why?” Her voice is quiet. She doesn’t really want the answer, but she’s going to goddamn get it.

“Because Irish challenged Eoin to a duel.” I laugh dryly as her expression changes to one of shock. “And you know what would have happened had I not intervened, don’t you?”

She doesn’t reply.

“Don’t you, Roisin!”

Still nothing, and her lack of response makes me even angrier.

“Eoin would be dead because with the amount of guilt he was carrying over the part he played in all the betrayal, he would never have pulled the trigger.”

I walk to the window, staring at the exact spot where Eoin took down the third sniper.

“I’m sorry, Jaine.”

“Save your apology for Irish because, once again, it was him you let down. In fact, you let both of your sons down, and do you know why?”

“I’m sure you’re going to tell me!” She lashes out as her guilt gets the better of her.

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