Page 49 of The Archer Brothers

Thinking about my son and him not knowing me the way he should angers me. Ryley and Nate were wrong on so many levels, and I’m not sure that’s something I can ever forgive. Growing up, we were close to our uncles and that’s what I always envisioned Nate being to my children. EJ should’ve known from day one thatIwas his father, dead or alive. I earned that moniker, Nate didn’t.

“What are you thinking so hard about?”

A half smile forms on my lips and by the look in her eyes she knows my mind is up to no good. I should tell her how angry I am, but each day with her is a blessing right now and I don’t want to ruin what few moments we have together.

“Just thinking about how beautiful you are, standing there holding our son.” Ryley’s cheeks turn a glorious shade of pink as she sets her forehead against EJ’s shoulder.

“I think you’re biased.”

I shrug. I know I’m not. She’s gorgeous and always has been. I’m not the only one who thinks this. “Doesn’t matter if I am, it’s the truth. I’m willing to bet your father gave you a similar compliment the first time he saw you holding EJ.”

Ryley walks toward me with EJ still in her arms. When she’s shoulder to shoulder with me, she pauses. “You’ve missed so much.” Her comment knocks me back and she doesn’t give me an opportunity to speak or defend myself.

I didn’t want to miss anything, but that freedom was ripped from me. My ability to choose to call home was taken as if I were a common criminal. Missing time in their lives was not a part of any plan of mine. I was doing my job.

I turn and watch her walk back up the beach with EJ still looking over at me. Deefur follows behind just like he’s supposed to. I’m sure there’s a reason why I missed everything and I’m going to figure it out. Whatever that reason is, I’ll never be able to make it up to Ryley and EJ. Nothing will ever bring back the time that was missed, the years and milestones.

It’s not just EJ or Ryley who have suffered from me being gone. I’ve suffered as well, but not nearly to the extent they have. Even though I had the pictures and letters, which were clearly forged, I still hadsomething. They had nothing. My family was left with a box of my possessions and pictures of me. They were told to grieve and move on while I was fighting for some cause that I’m not even sure was valid.

The sand is hot and quickly sticks to my feet as I walk back toward our blanket. EJ is in front of Ryley building a sand castle, his shovel digging ferociously in the sand. I dodge a few flying clumps the closer I get to him.

“Can you help me, Eban?” I crouch down and move his hair out of his eyes.

“Let me talk to your mom for a minute and then I’ll be right here to help, okay?”

“K,” he says without making eye contact, far too busy with his masterpiece. I stay there, crouched down, and watch him for a moment before making my way to the blanket. Ryley closes her book when I sit down, pulling her knees to her chest. This is her way of protecting herself. I noticed this habit shortly after we started dating, but never thought anything of it until I told her I enlisted. That’s when it dawned on me that she’s putting up a wall -- one that I’ve taken down repeatedly and will do so again and again if need be.

“You know I can read you like an open book.”

“You forget that I can do the same. You were thinking about something that upset you.” Her voice is soft and quiet as she keeps her attention focused on EJ. I reach beneath her arm and pull her hand into mine. I want to touch her, hold her, while I can. There’s a feeling in the pit of stomach warning me this bubble we’ve been in is about to burst.

“You were standing there, holding our son, and all I could think about is how he doesn’t know I’m his dad and he should. He should’ve known from day one that I was his dad whether I was here or not.”

“You’re right,” she says quickly, surprising me. I expected we’d sit in silence while she mentally berated herself. “I was young and stupid and thinking with a broken heart. I couldn’t believe that our child, the one we wanted and loved before he was even here, wouldn’t know his father. When I was told that you had… that you weren’t coming back I told myself I would do this by myself and I did. I delivered him in a room with just the doctor and his staff. No one held my hand, but I thought you did. I know now that it was crazy to think you were in the room with me.

“When EJ started talking and really recognizing who people were, he started saying ‘dada’ and I didn’t think anything of it until he called Nate ‘Daddy’ and I didn’t have the heart to tell him not to do that. He had playgroups and daycare so he saw his friends doing the same thing. Nate would pick him up sometimes and it was natural for EJ to say it.”

Ryley looks at me with tears in her eyes. “I hate myself for allowing it to happen, but I can’t take it back. You can hate me because of it, but you can’t hate EJ or Nate. Nate only did what I asked of him.”

I pull her into my arms and kiss the top of her head. “I could never hate you, Ry. I love you more than anything. But you can’t ask me not to hate Nate. I’ll never forgive him for what he’s done.”

Ryley raises her head and stares me down. “I did things, too.”

Leaning forward, I kiss the tip of her nose. “Yes, but there’s a code between brothers and he broke it.”

MY EYES JAR OPEN as soon as we land. I can’t believe I actually dozed off. It’s unlike me not to remain alert and focused, especially when I have so much on my mind. I can’t get this nagging suspicion out of my system that something is up. The training mission, in my opinion, was a waste of time. Aside from going over maps of the Middle East and places we’ve all been, we didn’t train. We lounged around like useless slugs. That’s not how we win the battle. That’s not how we defeat the enemy. They’re not sitting around waiting, and the more I think about it, the more pissed off I get.

Stepping off the helo, I breathe in the sea air of Coronado. I love it here. Growing up in Washington, the constant rain and gray is what I was used to but once I moved south, I realized that seeing the sun every day is what I needed.

I wouldn’t trade where I am for anything. The last time I re-enlisted I feared being assigned to a different base and I’m not sure what I would’ve done if that had happened because there would’ve been no way I’d leave Ryley and EJ behind. Asking Ryley to leave is out of the question. Evan is buried here and I already know what her answer would be.

“Plans for the day?” Tex asks as we walk to the bus. He has a shit eating grin on his face, pretty much indicating that he’s up to something.

“Depending on what time this debriefing is done, I’ll probably go home and sit on the couch with Ryley on one side and EJ on the other.”

“York said no debriefing today, don’t need it.” He drops his gear onto the bus and walks away. I stop dead in my tracks, unsure if I heard him correctly. I look around for York, but I don’t see him. Mark York is our Master Chief, divorced with two kids that he doesn’t get to see much. Since his divorce he tends to keep to himself and rarely hangs out with us. He was, and probably still is in love with his ex and the fact that she took his kids back to her home state has really put his life in perspective. He talks about retirement, but re-enlisted a few months back saying that the SEALs are the only thing keeping him going.

York is ready for deployment, so is Tex. I’m not. Ryley and I need more time before I ship off. She’s always on edge right before I have to leave. It’s even worse when I leave without much notice. My idea of a honeymoon doesn’t consist of leaving my bride and son days after we get married but I know it happens to all of us. It’s the military version of a shotgun wedding, a way of life...

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