Page 50 of The Archer Brothers

Country first.

I get my gear stowed and climb onto the bus. It’s a short trip across base to our training facility. I honestly feel like running back, yet another component to a busted training exercise. I’m not tired even though I should be. I close my eyes and rest my head against the window of the bus. It’s the only way I can shut my brain off. I picture what it’s going to be like when I get home. EJ will be out back playing on his swing set with Deefur standing guard. Ryley will be weeding her flower garden, picking and pruning to keep her roses alive. Far off in the distance, in between planes taking off, the ocean will crash against the beach giving me a subtle reminder that we need to take a trip down there. I’m going to stand there, taking them all in before I announce that I’m home.

My eyes spring open as I lurch forward when the driver slams on his brakes. My eyes weren’t closed for ten minutes, and yet it felt like an hour. I scrub my hands over my face and wait my turn to get off. Tex stops in front of me, giving me a pass.

“You slept on the plane and the bus. You’re not getting old on me are you?”

“Nah, I was just resting my eyes.”

“Cold feet?” he asks, laughing.

“Hell no,” I say as I shoulder my rucksack. “There’s something not sitting right with that training mission and not having a debriefing.”

“What the hell would we debrief, the life of an armadillo by Tex and Arch? It was a busted training exercise. Maybe they’ll push our deployment back because of it. Who knows, just be happy you’re home and you get to marry that fine looking babe of yours.” Tex definitely has a way of putting everything in perspective. That or he just doesn’t care. He has his own things to worry about with his girl being pregnant. He’s afraid of making a commitment to her and finding out the kid isn’t his.

Tex is everything you’d expect in a cowboy but not a SEAL. Yet, there isn’t another man I’d trust as much to have beside me in battle, with the exception of my teammates. When Tex arrived on base he was this toothpick-looking kid. I had seen him around, but never gave him more than a friendly ‘hi’. He tested for the SEALs a year after, having put on a considerable amount of weight and muscle. He was top of his class, deadly with a rifle and a damn fine warrior.

Once my gear is back in my locker, I’m in my truck and heading home. No one lingers when you don’t have to unless there’s something brewing, then it’s pow-wow time. Only a few from my team live off base like I do. I broached the subject of moving to the Naval Station with Ryley after we get married, but she shot me down. It was stupid on my part, knowing that Evan bought them the house. It was my failed attempt to move past his death and on with our lives. Sometimes, I think it’s unhealthy to live there. Granted, all his stuff is gone – packed up in boxes being stored in the attic - but his ghost is there. Many times I’ll catch her just staring at the mantle. I do it too, but for different reasons.

One minor detour and I find myself where I hadn’t planned on going, at least not today. Ryley and EJ are waiting for me, and yet here I am walking through the grass with my hands stuffed into the pockets of my camo pants. I kneel down and wipe a few fallen leaves away from Evan’s marker.

EVAN ARCHER

SOC US NAVY

SEAL TEAM III

Son, Brother, Friend

Proud to Serve

Nowhere does it say anything about being a boyfriend, fiancé or a father. My mother did this, driving an even bigger wedge between us. She said it was tacky adding that he was a fiancé and especially a father when he wasn’t. It didn’t matter how hard I fought, I couldn’t get her to change her mind. Evan wouldn’t have wanted his marker to be like this.

“Shit’s crazy, man,” I say out loud. I want others to hear me, especially those who don’t get visitors. I may be here to talk to my brother, but the other guys buried here can listen.

“I’ve been gone for over a month training for deployment and we didn’t fire our guns once. We sat out in the desert and contemplated the life of tumbleweeds. I don’t know…” I pause and look around. There are a few people here, wives mostly. “We didn’t debrief either. Seems odd and I can’t shake the feeling that something’s up.”

I sit down, pulling my knees up and resting my hands over them. “I can’t imagine how much EJ has changed since I’ve been gone. I hate leaving them, Evan, but she tells me to go. I thought about taking a desk job. You know, asking Carole for a recommendation or something, but I wouldn’t be happy and Ryley knows that. I’m deploying soon. I just found out and have to tell her when I get home. I don’t even want to see the look on her face, or to tell EJ that I have to go away for eighteen months.

“This war, it’s ugly. We’re fighting and when we think we’ve made headway, another group pops up and everything we’ve accomplished seems to be thrown to the wayside. They don’t care about their country or their families. They only care about hurting people and destruction.

“Livvie and Mom are doing okay. I just wish things were different. Getting Mom to accept anything is like taking candy from a two year old. It’s sad, but I’m not even looking forward to telling her that I’m leaving. I don’t care if she comes down to say goodbye or not, because when she’s here she stresses Ryley out and I do enough of that for the both of us.

“While I was gone, I started thinking back to high school. Life was so much easier and our biggest worry was any upcoming game we had or making sure we didn’t track mud into the house. Sometimes I want to go back to those days and pretend that 9-11 didn’t happen, and that we didn’t change our course. Losing you and Dad, both in combat, it makes me stop and think. I love my country, but I love my family too and sometimes I think they should come first.

“EJ will be starting school this year. He’s a walking, talking mini version of you. I think he’ll enlist when he’s older, and that scares me. Ryley doesn’t say anything, but I know she’s thinking about it. I don’t remember playing ‘Army’ when we were kids. I don’t know, maybe we did. He does it all the time because it’s what he knows. Maybe before I go home I’ll get him a destroyer and teach him to play Battleship, steer him on the right path if he’s going to enlist. I just can’t lose him, too. He’s my last link to you and Dad and I don’t know what I’d do without him in my life.”

I lie back in the grass with my arms behind my head. Evan and I did this once after our father died. We stayed with him the night he was buried so he wouldn’t be alone. When the sun rose that next morning, I realized that I had never closed my eyes.

When Evan died, I didn’t leave for a week.

“Losing you, Evan, changed everything.”

A FEW MORE BEACHGOERS arrive as bonfires are started and music is played. I sit next to Ryley while EJ plays a few feet in front of us. Deefur lies next to him watching his every move. Deefur has turned out to be the dog I thought he would be, a protector and best friend. The sun, still blazing and far from setting, keeps us shrouded in daylight. It’s almost a perfect day if only life wasn’t looming over us. There’s still the ongoing uncertainty of what’s going to happen to us and finding out how everything went to shit when we went on that mission.

I can’t keep putting off my own investigation. River says we should wait, but waiting only gives the people at the top more time to bury the truth. He’s the luckiest of us all. His wife never thought he was dead, or she just lived in denial. When he arrived home, he was welcomed with open arms while the rest of us struggled. There’s still the matter of our other team members and why only four of us were sent on the mission.

Far too many questions linger without enough answers.

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