Page 69 of Lost Soul

Once I get there I knock on the door and wait, and then I wait some more. After a few minutes without an answer I notice a side gate that I figure leads out to the balcony, and I forge together enough courage to open it. When I step around the corner and see him, suddenly I lose my nerve. Prez has moved and is sitting on a chair just a few meters back from the balcony railings. His feet are propped up on the table in front of him. There’s a lit cigarette hanging loosely from his mouth and a pile of empty bottles scattered around his feet.

“What do you want?” he growls, not taking his eyes off the lake below us. The noise from the party echoes up through the valley and is almost as loud up here as it is down there.

“I thought you might be hungry, so I brought you this.” I fight against my nerves, trying to sound cheery as I move forward and set the plate down on the table in front of him. Then remembering my promise to Jessie, I turn around and start back towards the gate.

“Wait,” his voice calls out, so coarsely that it makes my stomach turn over.

“Sit down.” His order is followed by the sound of a metal chair scraping against wood when he kicks it out from under the table. I swallow down the massive lump that’s wedged itself in my throat, taking the few steps back towards him and lowering myself on to the chair.

“You know I’ve spent more time up in this house this past week than I did the whole time my girl lived here,” he speaks in a tone that rumbles. I don’t know how to respond to that, so I’m thankful when he doesn’t give me a chance to.

“I never gave her the attention she deserved.” He shakes his head. “She never complained, but I always knew I could have given her more.”

“She loved you, sir,” I tell him, my voice shaky as it passes through my lips.

“I didn’t deserve her love,” he snaps, leaning forward and tipping the bottle of vodka on the table up to his lips. I’m shocked when he offers it over to me when he’s done, his action seeming almost hospitable. Shaking my head politely, I hope he doesn’t take offense at my refusal.

“Why do you think she did what she did?” he asks me, like I hold the cure to his suffering.

“I don’t know, sir,” I reply, tasting tears at the back of my throat. “I wish I knew,” I add before silence falls, a long uncomfortable silence that feels like it might never end.

“I don’t hate you.” His words come out of nowhere, like he suddenly feels the need to reassure me.

“I appreciate you letting me be here, and keeping me safe. I know it must be hard to see me inste—” A grunt that comes right from his chest stops me mid-sentence.

“Crazy as it sounds, seeing you, is just about all that’s keepin’ me goin,” he interrupts. A small ironic laugh hidden behind his words. “You’re a reminder that my daughter lived, that she had someone who cared about her. A friend who she loved enough to die for, same as I would for any of ‘em down there.” His head nods down towards the lake. “How can I hate someone for being my little girl's friend?” he says weakly.

“You ain’t the reason she’s dead, Maddy… I am,” he adds, taking another swig from the bottle.

I feel like I might choke on tears when I try to talk.

“That’s not true,” I force out. “Those men, they took me. What happened to her was meant to happen to me. It should have been me.”

Prez stands up on to his feet, then with a thud that rattles right through my bones he slams his fist on the table.

“Look how Hayley was raised, what she’s seen since she was a child. Friends, brothers putting themselves on the line for the people they care about every day. Should I be surprised that she jumped in front of that bullet to save you? Should I be so angry that I can’t stand to look at you? Blame you? Or should I be proud? Proud because if she had been born a son, I would have expected her to do that from the day she was born. Loyalty is what this whole club is built around.” Tears slide down his face, as he shatters right in front of me, and I get the impression this is the first time he’s said any of these words out loud.

“You know, I nearly lost her before, and I still didn’t learn. Those men that tried to kill you tried to take her, the same night as they took her mama. Lucky Jessie was there to save her. Not me… Jessie, and you know why?”

He doesn’t give me a chance to guess,

“Because I was balls deep in a fucking club slut…” His voice is full of anger, but only for himself.

“I failed her every day of her short life.” His tone softens from anger to devastation. “You know what I see looking at you in front of me now, Maddy? I see a chance. An opportunity to do something for her. My little girl wanted you to live, and I’ll raise hell if have to, to make sure that happens. Whoever you are, or however you came to be in my daughter’s life doesn’t matter. You did something that earned her loyalty, and for that reason, you got mine. This club’s too.” I take in all he’s said and all I can do is stare back at him, speechless.

“This club will protect you from the people who tried to hurt you, and anyone else. This is your home now, and we’ll be your family for as long as you need us. You can toss your laptop in that damn lake for all the fucks I give. You owe us nothing. All I’m asking is that you stop hating yourself. That you live that life she gave you. Let me take the burden. Let me fucking take it, turn it to hate, and use it to get vengeance on the people who took her from us.” Prez slumps back down in his chair, running his hands through his white hair as if his outburst drained him completely.

I have no control over my body when it launches towards him, my arms wrapping around his neck. I swaddle him with gratefulness, and at first, he doesn’t respond. He remains weightless between my arms then just when I’m about to pull away, his hand reaches around to my back, and he taps me with an unexpected softness.

“You need anything, feel free to help yourself to what’s in her room. I’m sure she would have wanted you to have it.” I can’t begin to think how hard this must be for him, and I take a look up to the clear blue sky and hope Hayley is watching when I make a silent promise to her that I’m gonna take care of him too.

“You should get back down to the party,” he says, his curt voice suddenly back, cuing for me to pull myself away before things turn awkward.

“Sure thing, Prez,” I whisper, forcing a smile through my tears. He nods his head managing to drag out a little smile of his own from somewhere. And I know what I’ve just witnessed was really special, that it isn’t often Jimmer Carson shows any sign of weakness.

She’s been gone ages, definitely long enough for me to start getting worried. I know Prez wouldn’t hurt her, I’d never have let her go alone if I did. Prez is good to his word, I trust him above anyone else. But the longer she takes to come back the more anxious I become. He doesn’t know what she means to me. He can’t, not yet, not while he’s still so angry at her. I’m hoping he appreciates her thoughtfulness. Sees what Hayley saw in her and understand a little why she’d wanted to save her.

“Hey Jess, where’s blondie?” Troj asks, zipping up his jeans as he walks towards us. Squealer’s been talking to me too, but I haven’t been listening. When I see her at the top of the hill making her way back down the relief that passes through me makes me feel guilty. I should never have doubted my Prez, even if he isn’t himself and no one really knows where his head’s at.

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