Page 104 of Degrees of Control

James blew out a loud indignant breath. “Christ Charlotte, do you ever think we don’t have to talk about everything? Part of being human is having ups and downs. Don’t need to spend nine hours talking or go runnin’ to a therapist every time somethin’ doesn’t work out.”

“Ups and downs?” she repeated. “Is that what we’re having? A relationship down?”

He laughed. “You’re never down. You’re my happy little angel.”

“Don’t patronize me!”

“I ain’t patronizing you, it’s a fact. You’re well-adjusted and I’m the jealous asshole holding you down.”

“That’s not true!” Charlie could feel her anger rising. “Why do you always act like I’m some female incarnation of Jesus and you’re thirty silver pieces away from betraying me?”

“Because it’s true. You’re Charlotte, you think the best of every fuckin’ one, everyone wants to be your fuckin’ boyfriend. I can’t handle it sometimes. Think that’s why I can’t get up the guts to…”

Charlie’s insides became ice, she leaned back against the door, her knees on the verge of collapse. “To what? To break up with me? You don’t have the guts to break up with me?”

James went pale. “No, it’s, nothin’, I’m drunk. Forget I said anythin’.”

“Don’t you say that,” Charlotte said, her voice sharp despite the fact that she was seconds away from bursting into tears. “Do you want us to be over?”

He shook his head, looking miserable. “I couldn’t ever break up with you, baby, you’re the best thing that ever happened to me.”

She couldn’t take any pleasure in that statement, not when he looked so miserable. “What’s wrong, James?”

He shook his head. “Nothin’ but the usual. You deserve better than me, Charlotte.”

He had said similar melancholy things a couple of times, but this was a new level of self-doubt. She could hear it in his voice. She took his hand. “You’re an amazing boyfriend.”

A noise emanated from her boyfriend’s mouth was too awful to be called a laugh. “What were you talking to Pea Coat about?”

“Being vegans.” Charlie let go of his hand. “Is that a problem?”

James laughed his dead man laugh again. “Guy’s a vegan? That’s too perfect. What does he do for work? Fish plastic out of the ocean?”

“He’s an English teacher.”

Another, louder laugh. “Oh baby, you have to see it too.”

“See what? I wasn’t flirting with him or letting him hit on me or anything! You’re a jerk if you think I was.”

James’ shoulders slumped. “I wasn’t tryna say that. I know you weren’t doing anything.”

“Then why do you care if Freddie’s a vegan or a teacher?”

He buried his hands in his hair and pulled so the strands stood on end. “I care that you run into men at the fucking grocery store who are better suited to you than I am!”

His anger was back, hot as flame, but he wasn’t looking at her. His gaze was on the full length mirror behind her, as though he was checking to see he was still there, still him.

“James, that’s stupid. I told you, you’re the perfect guy for me.”

“Bullshit,” he said with such venom she took a step backward. “Every other week you catch the eye of some halloumi-loving asshole who wants to take you on an eco-tour of Spain. Hell, you can pick a random guy off the street and chances are he’s better suited to you that I am. You and Pea Coat are a couple that makes sense. That’s the man Sophia and your parents and all the rest of them wanted you to be with!”

“Well I’m not attracted to him.”

James grinned, a horrible smile that spoke of both pain and triumph. “Yeah, that’s the meat of me and you, isn’t it?”

“What are you talking about?”

“Fucking. That’s what I have that other guys don’t. You want an asshole in the sack more than you want a Nobel Prizewinner takin’ you to Vegie Bar, so you made it work with me. Unfortunately, there’s a man with a lot of problems attached to the base of my cock and no matter how hard we try, you know it’ll always be that way. I’m not good enough for you”

---