Page 105 of Degrees of Control

“That’s not true.” Tears were pricking at her eyes now, sharp, sad little bursts. “We’re good enough for each other. We belong together.”

“No.” James’ mouth was a flat line. “I’m garbage. I’m the burger you eat at four in the morning because you’re tired of bein’ on a diet. I’m jealous and I’m selfish and I don’t give a damn about makin’ you happy as long as I get to keep you. My own family doesn’t want me around.”

“What?” Charlie asked. “What does your family—”

“You really think they’ve got swine-flu?” James asked, his eyes blazing like hot coals. “I’ve been disowned baby, everyone except Kelsey doesn’t want a bar of me unless I…”

He shook his head. “I’m not talkin’ about this with you, or with anyone. What I want you to know is that I’m never gonna be what you want.”

The finality in his tone terrified her. She took his arm. “What do you want me to say? How can I convince you that we’re meant to be together?”

The silence that followed was louder than any noise she’d ever heard.

James’ eyes were hollow, full of pain. “You once told me you didn’t want to be the girl who thought she could fix a broken guy with love.”

No, no, no, no.Charlie remembered now, remembered what had felt familiar. The night all those years ago, when she’d gone to his place to fulfil their fuck-buddy arrangement and found him agitated and intense. They’d had sex just like the sex they’d just had on the bathmat, both impersonal and intense and then he’d told her…

“No,” she whispered.

James nodded. “You were an angel to me, baby. These past three years have been the best of my whole life, but I can’t close the deal and tonight, I realised that’s because you deserve someone else. A better man makin’ you happy.”

“No,” she repeated, hot tears welling up in her eyes. “We deserve each other.”

He gently seized her shoulders and guided her out of his way. “I could worship you for the rest of my life but I’ll never deserve you and now I know that’s the truth.”

He was leaving, really leaving. Adrenaline flooded her system and she grasped for something, anything she could say to make him stay.

“Wait!”

James’ hand froze on the doorknob. “What?”

“What did you mean when you said you had your chance to close the deal?”

He turned then, his eyes full of agony. They stared at each other and Charlie knew he was going to tell the truth, she could feel it. Then someone knocked at the door.

“Guys, if you’re done in there, come out. You’re our guests of motherfucking honor and this is very impolite!”

It was Sophia.

Charlie furiously wiped at her eyes. “We’ll be out in a second,” she called.

“I’ve got to leave,” James said, as she expected him to. He was already gone, his molecules drifting away from hers. It ached at her, but she knew trying to keep him with her was futile. All she could do was hope that he came back.

“Please don’t drive,” she said. “Be safe.”

He nodded once, then opened the door and was gone.

Chapter 4

That old adage about family was true. They were the people who had to take you in. Even when you came knocking at two in the morning and you smelled like the inside of a charred oak whiskey barrel. The Uber James had taken out to his sister Kelsey’s place had been eye-wateringly expensive, but he figured he’d be selling his useless diamond pretty soon and could afford to Uber all around the country, the fuckin’ world should he so choose. As if any of that was going to matter once he and Charlotte put the goodbye ink on their relationship.

He was grateful it was Kelsey who opened the door on his sorry ass, not her wife Debbie, or worse, his niece or nephew. Kelsey had experience dealing with him in this state and kindly led him to her spare bedroom, gave him ibuprofen and a bucket with water in the bottom and advised he stay out of sight until he was fit for human company.

“This is good training for when the kids hit their teens,” he said, clambering into bed.

Kelsey hadn’t laughed. In fact, as she left the room, she’d muttered something that sounded a lot like “go fuck yourself, Jim.”

He barely slept that night, but that wasn’t surprising. Between the jet lag, the alcohol and what he’d done with Charlotte in Sophia’s bathroom, he felt like his head was on fire. He whiled away the hours listening to Sturgill Simpsonon his phone and looking through his photos, fat albums of meals, day trips, parties and festivals he’d been to with Charlotte. She called him ‘the photogenic one’ and teased him about making her look bad, but James couldn’t disagree more. There was a warmth to images of his soon-to-be ex-girlfriend, a peacefulness that radiated out of her skin.

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