Page 2 of Purity

“And getting drunk and making out with random guys is really living?”

I stare at her for a moment. “You know that none of this is a condemnation of how you live your life, right?

Her mouth tightens. “I mean, I guess so, but why are you doing these things? You’ve never had any interest in partying. Why do you think doing it now is going to make you happy?”

“It’s not that I’ve never been interest in partying. I was just afraid. I thought it was all sinful.”

“Is it a coincidence that you decided this today,” Mari asks, “when a certain person is moving back?”

Goodness, she knows me so well. “No,” I say, “I’ve been having anxiety for a while about what things will be like when he’s back in town. Mari, I’ve spent more time with him over the last few years than I have with you, and he’s been living an hour and a half away.”

Mari snorts. “That’s more Cole’s doing than yours. I’m telling you, he’s in love with you. When you tell him about all this, he’s going to confess that. Mark my words.”

“I think so too,” Vanessa says.

I shake my head sharply. “He needs me emotionally, but he doesn’t want me sexually. That’s not the kind of love I want. I want someone who can’t keep his hands off me.”

“I bet he wouldn’t be able to keep his hands off you if he knew you want him.” Mari brushes a flyaway strand of dark hair from her face. “In fact, I think you’re the reason he’s such a fuck-boy. He had to get sex somewhere since he couldn’t get it from you.”

“No.” I shake my head again. “I can’t fantasize about that possibility anymore. I can’t wait for him to want me. It’s toxic. And it’s part of the reason I’ve lived so small.”

A wicked smile spreads across Mari’s face. “He’s going to absolutely lose his shit when he finds out you’re planning on losing your virginity.”

I take a deep breath. “I was actually thinking of…asking him to do it for me. Take my virginity, I mean.”

Their eyes grow huge, and a wash of hot, tingling shame spreads from my scalp to the tips of my fingers. “I know it sounds crazy since I’m also trying to get over him, but the thing is… I’m so scared to do this, and he’s the only person I can think of who would make me feel totally safe.”

“Oh my God!” Mariana shouts. “Does this mean you’re going to tell him how you feel?”

“Goodness, no!” I shake my head frantically, the thought alone making my throat grow tight. “No way. That would be so humiliating, and it’s already going to be hard enough to ask him for this.”

Mari smiles cheekily. “Maybe once you tell him you want to have sex, he won’t be able to keep his hands off you, just like you’ve always wanted.”

I turn away and look at the water, not wanting her to see how that statement makes hope flutter in my heart. Despite all my efforts to change, I can’t seem to squash this wretched hope. Maybe things will change. Maybe he’s not attracted to me now because he’s never considered me. Maybe he’ll find out that he’s attracted to me after he touches me.

No. I can’t let delusional thoughts like that sway my decision.

“Maybe,” I say. “But I’m not going to let his reaction get in the way of my plans. It’s time to start living. I’m going to ask Cole at his graduation party. If he says no, I’ll have to find someone else. Maybe even Zac—”

Mari burst into laughter. “You are living in a fantasy world if you think Cole will ever let that happen.” She turns to Vanessa. “In high school, he—no exaggeration—shoved Zac against a wall for patting Livvy’s ass. It was an accidental pat, too. I’m pretty sure he was aiming for her lower back. Even innocent high school Livvy wasn’t the least bit creeped out by it, but Cole completely lost his mind. He got written up for it.”

Vanessa smiles at me. “He’s so protective of you. It’s really cute.”

“It was cute in high school,” I say. “I don’t find it cute anymore.” Not after years of nothing coming from it. “He’s going to have to start keeping his protectiveness in check, because I’m doing this. No matter what. Come on—” I plop down on the soft sand and gesture for them to sit down with me. “I want you to help me come up with things to do. I’m calling it my impurity contract.”

“Oh my God,” Mari exclaims. “I absolutely love it. Please sign it Olivia Grace Gallo, like you did on your purity contract.”

I nod. “I’ll make them look as similar as possible.”

When Vanessa averts her eyes, something tugs inside of me. Poor thing. She thinks I’m mocking everything she still believes in.

I reach out, grab her hand, and give it a tight squeeze. “Ness, this isn’t a critique of our whole religion. Just purity culture. I still love Jesus more than anything.”

“I know,” she says, but she doesn’t sound quite convinced.

I pick up a pen and press it to the top of the page. “Obviously, the first thing I need to do is have my first kiss.”

Mari nods. “If you plan on getting drunk, you could knock out two birds with one stone. It’s much easier to kiss someone when you’re drunk.”

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