Page 1 of Purity

ONE

Livvy

I’ll miss my silver ring, even though I’ve grown to resent it. The ocean will swallow it up, just like all the other tiny things that sink. It will be in good company.

I clench it in my fist as the incoming wave steadily grows. I’ll wait a moment before I toss it in. There’s something satisfying about the symbol of my purity disappearing into crashing water. Just as the wave starts to break, I yank my arm back.

I freeze.

Why is this so hard? It’s not as if this ring is my actual virginity. How am I going to have sex by the end of the summer if I can’t even toss a piece of metal?

“Livvy,” my sister, Vanessa, says, “Why do you need to get rid of your purity ring? What is that going to solve?”

The apprehension in her voice is an echo of my own inner turmoil. Our parents would be devastated if they found out. This ring was a gift from my dad on my thirteenth birthday. It probably means as much to both of them now as it did eight years ago.

Which is exactly why I need to toss it. It’s creepy how they fixate on the sex life of their adult daughter, and it’s kept me in a box my whole life. I didn’t date. I barely even flirted with anyone. It’s made me live small even as I dreamed big.

I’m done dreaming.

I’m done fantasizing about someday giving this ring to Cole Walker, along with my purity. For years, I’ve imagined the day I’d slip off my white dress and give my beautiful best friend all my firsts. It’s time to let it go. He’ll never be my husband.

He doesn’t love me that way, and he never will.

Cole’s moving home from college today. He might be driving into town at this very moment, and we’ll be closer than we’ve been in four years.

And I’ll be in danger of making him my entire world, just like I did in high school. I was willing to give him anything he needed in the moment he needed it. If he wanted to see me, I’d drop all of my plans. I would have done anything for him, because I loved him so much.

It’s time to start living for myself.

“Do it!” Mariana shouts, pulling me out of my head. “Make that ring your bitch!”

I snort. Thank God for Mari. I wouldn’t be where I am right now if not for her example. She showed me I can pull away from purity culture and still be a good person. She doesn’t even believe in God anymore, yet she’s still the same Mariana.

At the sight of an incoming wave, I brace myself, taking a deep breath and lifting my fist. The wave crests and crashes before streaming past my bare feet, sending a chill up my spine.

I can’t do it.

Instead, I turn around. Vanessa’s posture relaxes a little, and Mariana lifts both brows. “I hope this doesn’t mean you’re still planning to save yourself for marriage.”

I shake my head sharply. “I’m done with all of that bullshit. Jesus isn’t going to stop loving me if I lose my virginity.”

Mari claps her hands. “Yes!”

My younger sister’s brows pull together, and I look away. I knew she would have a hard time with this, but I’m not going to hide it from her. We’ve always been each other’s confidants, and I’m not letting that change just because my faith has evolved.

Both of them watch me, as if they both know what I’m about to say is monumental.

“I’m losing my virginity by the end of the summer,” I say.

Mariana shrieks, and Vanessa’s gaze falls to the sand, probably to hide her dismay, and it sends a pang to my chest.

“I even have a deadline.” I reach into the bag at my hip and pull out the tin box. Inside is my purity contract, a letter to my future husband, and every prayer journal I’ve kept since I met Cole five years ago. I pull out my current journal, flip to the last page, and read aloud what I wrote there. “September seventeenth,” I say. “UC Santa Barbara’s fall quarter starts on the eighteenth, and I refuse to start my senior year of college still a virgin. And it’s not just that. There are all kinds of other things I plan to do. All the things I’ve been too afraid to do. Things I used to think were wrong. I’m going to start going on dates. I’m going to get drunk and go to the bars and make out with random guys.”

“Yes!” Mari shouts. “I’m loving this.”

“Why?” Vanessa asks. Her tone is gentle, but my heart still clenches at the bewilderment in her eyes.

“Because I’m living an incredibly passive life, and that has to stop, because it’s not really living.”

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