Page 17 of Purity

She opens her mouth and closes it. Is she questioning how much she should tell me? “We only…hung out once. He seemed like a nice guy. You actually remind me of him now that I think about it.”

That buzzing starts again. My throat is too tight to speak, so I only nod. In what feels like a flash, she’s gone.

I shouldn’t pity myself. In a way, I ought to be thankful for my cheating, piece-of-shit dad. If I hadn’t walked in on him all those years ago, I never would have felt that strange, itching need for escape. That uncomfortable feeling that made me convince my mom to let me transfer to a public school to see if a change of scenery would make it go away.

That led me to her, as if we were destined to be.

Livvy was like an angel coming into my life to rescue me. She was so soft and sweet and caring, I finally had someone to talk to. I laughed again. I finally started getting excited about college and my future. Her presence alone made the world bright again.

I can’t ever lose her.

Why the fuck did I tell her I’d think about her proposition? I should have told her no the second she asked me. Sex will complicate our relationship in a way I won’t be able to undo. Romantic feelings would probably enter in for both of us. How could they not when we already care for each other so much?

None of it would last. Romantic feelings would fade away, and she’d go back to her old life. Marry her perfect Christian guy, and I’d become part of her past. Her former best friend and ex-lover.

No matter how tempted I am to give in, I have to do everything in my power to resist her.

SEVEN

Livvy

“Livvy!” Mari calls from outside the dressing room. “Do you need help?”

“No, I’ve got it.” I strip down to just my panties since I probably won’t be able to wear a bra. Before grabbing the black dress Mari picked out for me, I stare at my body in the mirror for a moment.

Why do my boobs have to be so big and unsightly? They hang down almost to my belly. You’d think I had three kids.

Cole is standing right outside. Every flaw will be on display for his eyes.

I grit my teeth as I slip the tight fabric up my thighs, over my belly, and up to my chest. Goodness, I hate how the fabric clings to my every curve.

After pulling on the last strap, I keep my gaze away from the mirror. If I look at myself, I might chicken out. I already want to cringe at how the air hits my chest with this plunge neckline. It makes me feel disgusting.

In theory, I know I don’t really look disgusting, but this is the problem with sexual shame. It’s visceral. How can you talk yourself out of something you feel in your body? It’s like trying to reason away a fever.

“Is it on?” Mari shouts.

“Yes…unfortunately.”

“I don’t want to hear any of that. That’s our old youth pastor talking, making you feel ashamed for simply having breasts.”

A smile rises to my lips. “This is more than having breasts. This dress is practically lingerie.”

“Yes,” Mari shouts. “That’s exactly why I picked it. Okay, give us a runway walk.”

“I’ll give you guys a quick look, and that’s it. Mari, you can come in here if you want to get a better view of it.”

“Come on, Liv. You know Cole has been dying to see your beautiful boobs since the moment he met you.”

Cole chuckles, but I get the sense that he’s uncomfortable, and a smile rises to my lips. Goodness, Mari is so bold. She’s the ideal person to help me through this whole process. I need her to push me.

“My boobs are a problem in this dress.” I try to keep my voice low while still projecting it out of the dressing room. “I can’t wear a bra, and, Mari, you know how they don’t stay in one place without one. They keep moving around, and I’m worried someone’s going to see my…” I lower my voice to just above a whisper, “nipples.”

Mari cackles. “You have to see Cole’s face right now. It’s bright red.”

“Aww, I’m sorry, Cole.”

His laughter sounds a little forced. “It’s okay. I can go outside and wait if you want.”

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