Page 85 of Wild and Bright

“No, don’t say that. I need you the way you are. I need you strong and together. You’re my rock. You always have been.”

Moisture gathers in my eyes. “I’m sorry I’m such a controlling prick.”

He pats me hard on the back before pulling away. “Don’t apologize for it. I understand why you do it, but you got to let go. I know it’s hard, but you’ve got to do it. I need to start figuring out my own shit. You have no idea what it’s like for me. I know I have an amazing life—getting to do what we do—and I’m not trying to be annoying and complain, but the only reason I have any of it is because of you. And that feels really shitty. I feel like a fucking baby. Sometimes it’s like…” He shakes his head, his eyes growing unfocused. “It seriously feels like I’ve been in a coma for the last several years, like everyone around me has moved forward, and I’m still a teenager. It’s such a shitty feeling. It makes me want to drink.”

I step forward, setting my hand on his shoulder. “You need to go call your sponsor. Right now. I’ll even fly him out here tomorrow morning if you want.”

A knowing smile forms on his lips, and heat creeps into my cheeks. “Shit, I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be like this, I promise. It’s a reflex.”

His smile grows. “Take it one day at a time.”

I shut my eyes, nodding.

“With Lauren too”

My eyes pop open. “What do you mean?”

“Obviously, you need to work on letting go with her, too.”

I avert my eyes from his. “It’s different with her. She’s proven she’s not trustworthy.” When shame for my earlier behavior makes my skin prickle, I clarify. “In the past, I mean.”

He sighs heavily. “Why is it always on her? Why haven’t you ever blamed me?”

“You were so drunk you didn’t even know what you were doing.”

His smile grows piteous. “I’m not only talking about that night at the party. I’m talking about my whole relationship with her. I know you’ve always been jealous of how close we are.”

“That’s not true.”

“It is.” He sets his hand on my shoulder. “And it’s okay. You love her. And it’s totally reasonable for you to want to keep me away from her, because to be honest, if I were drunk enough, I probably would fuck her. Even now.”

When I flinch, he presses his thumb into my collarbone. “And you ought to be mad at me for that.”

“You’re only responsible for that first drink.”

He makes a deep grunting sound at the back of his throat. “Stop treating me like a baby. I’m a grown ass man. And I was a grown-ass man when I almost fucked her in the laundry room…” I try to pull away, but his grip tightens. “Why haven’t you ever tried to talk to me about it? Why is this the first time?”

I shut my eyes. “It was easier… And you didn’t know…”

“Easier to blame her,” he fills in. “And I did know. I knew you had a crush on her. I think I maybe even liked your jealousy a little bit. I always felt like you had everything—you were smarter and better at school, and way better at guitar than me—and I liked having something you didn’t.”

“I don’t like talking about this.”

He chuckles. “I know, but we have to. Cam, look at me.”

With effort, I force my eyes to meet his. Surprisingly, there’s not an ounce of resentment in them. I hated myself for my petty jealousy. I pushed it deep down as if it could sever the bond between us if I ever let it rise to the surface. And he knew all along.

“You need to start treating me like an adult. Let me make my own decisions. Let me spend my money on stupid shit. Let me drink myself to death…”

When I wince, his grip on my shoulder softens.

“And if I almost fuck your girl in a laundry room, punch me in the face for it.”

“I don’t want to talk about this.”

His smile is a little sad, but then he abruptly pulls me in for a hug, giving me a hard pat on the back afterward. “One day at a time, big brother.”

TWENTY-SIX

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