Page 79 of Reckless Rebel

I feel something but I can’t focus, the images come too fast.

There’s been an accident. I try to listen to what the police officer is telling me, but it can’t be right. Rachel wasn’t in an accident, she isn’t gone. Please don’t let her be gone, she’s all I have. No. They’re lying. But they won’t stop talking, they keep saying the words over and over again. Your sister is dead, your sister is dead. Your. Sister. Is. Dead. Rachel is really dead and now I’m all alone.

Something hard hits my cheek, “Jace, what did you do?”

The pain is indescribable, I can't move, I think I’m tied down. It all happens so fast, Elle saying my name in a begging cry, the door opening, Greg touching her, and then his guards dragging in someone else. Taylor. She’s here. Why is she here? More pain wracks my body and I cry out, but all I can focus on is the pain in Taylor’s eyes and the sound of defeat in Elle’s voice. I want to scream at her to not agree to anything with him, but no words come out. Then it’s too late. The deal is made, then I blink as I feel liquid seeping under my body. What is that? What’s happening? I focus my eyes and I see her. Taylor. She is lying next to me, eyes vacant and fixed on mine. Tears still on her face. I ask her if she is okay but she doesn’t respond. No. She can’t respond. There is blood covering her neck and chest. She’s dead too. Another person has left me.

Another firm hit to my face has my head spinning, “Jace, wake up, tell me what you took?”

We are locked up together but we don’t speak, it’s too late for words. The pain is gone now, replaced by this empty ache inside of me. The weight of my failure pressing down on me until all I want to do is die. I let her down, I let them all down. My brothers will be out there now, fighting for us, for her, and what am I doing? Nothing. They strip her, bear her scars, old and new, preparing her body for more fucking torture. I need to do something, anything, but what could a pathetic waste of space like me do to save someone like her? Nothing. She looks beautiful, like always, the white dress makes her look like an angel, but when she looks at me I see it, the pain, the regret. Today she will marry the devil to protect me, to protect all of us, because that’s what Queens do. I want to scream at her, tell her to run and never look back, to leave me here and save herself, but she won’t, she’s too good, too pure, and here she is about to be ruined once more. After this she will become one of them and I will die, they won’t keep their promise, they aren’t good like her. Elle King saved me and I didn’t save her. I’m glad I’m nothing.

“Jace.” The smack to my face has my eyes opening this time, but I can’t focus, “Jesus Christ, what the fuck have you taken?”

Something tight grips my chin, forcing my mouth to open, but I can barely feel anything. I think someone is shoving their fingers in my throat. The room is spinning around me and I feel as if I’m floating. Why aren’t I nothing yet? I gag as I feel that feeling in my throat again.

“Come on, Jace, please.” The voice is familiar, soothing, safe.

I choke on my own vomit as it comes up, the owner of the voice scooping it out with their fingers as I try to open my eyes. Everything is blurry.

“Elle?” I think I say it out loud, I can’t be sure, not until they respond.

“No, it’s Lily.” Lily. I smile, I like Lily, she’s kind, quiet, and doesn't judge me. “Come on, Jace, get the rest up.” She shoves her fingers in my mouth again and I cough up more of my stomach contents. I feel awful.

“Come on.” She stands, tucking her arms under mine and helping me to my feet. I sway as I struggle to keep my balance, but she throws my arm around her shoulder to keep me upright as she drags me back into the bathroom.

I still can’t focus enough to see fully, “What are you doing? Why are you helping me?” My words are slurred, but I can’t seem to control my own voice.

I hear the shower turn on and then just as I open my mouth to say something else, I am thrust under the freezing cold spray. “What the fuck!” I yell, moving to try and find my way back out, but Lily blocks the door.

Is she in the shower with me? What the hell is going on? Is this real?

My thoughts are chaotic but when she starts to lift my shirt I try to pull away, “Woah, Lils, I like you, but this isn’t happening.” I still can’t get my voice to sound like my own, my tongue feels thick in my mouth.

“Christ, how the fuck has Elle not stabbed you yet,” she huffs under her breath and I think I smile. “You’re covered in your vomit you fucking asshole, I need to get you clean and changed before anyone gets home and sees you like this.”

I slump back against the tiles, no longer able to stand up as she pulls my shirt over my head, and struggles to drag my soaked jeans down my legs. I’m not even sure I’m fully conscious because one second I’m in the shower with her stripping my clothes, and the next I’m sitting on the toilet with two towels wrapped around me. My head is pounding and everything is still a little fuzzy.

Lily comes back into the bathroom holding a pair of sweats. She has stripped off her own wet clothes and is wearing one of my shirts that hangs on her small frame like a dress.

She tosses the pants at me, “Put these on.” She helps me stand and averts her gaze as she helps me into them, and once I’m decent she helps me out of the bathroom and over to my bed.

The room doesn’t stop spinning until I lay down and even then it still feels like nothing is beneath me. Lily has pulled back the covers but when she moves to put them over me I stop her, I can already feel the sweat beginning to pour down my back even fresh from the shower. What the fuck did I take and why did she stop me?

She sits down by my hip, silently watching me in the way she does with everyone, waiting for me to talk, but there is nothing to say, not anymore. What’s this life worth if I just keep making everything and everyone around me worse? Even the drugs aren’t working, sure they help numb the pain, but they don’t take it away, not for as long as I need. She should have just left me alone to disappear.

“Are you okay?” She asks, probably seeing every single one of my thoughts written on my face.

I laugh, I don’t mean to, but I can’t help it, my whole fucking life is a joke, so I laugh, hard, shaking my head no at the same time. Of course I’m not fucking okay. My sister is dead, Taylor is dead, Elle was almost dead, I was almost dead. Everyone was almost fucking dead, and did I do anything? No. I let it all happen.

I feel the tears in my eyes and I scrunch them shut in the hopes she doesn’t notice, but she is too perceptive, just like her twin.

“Oh, Jace,” she sighs, leaning down and hugging her body to my chest.

It’s weird, I wouldn’t say we are close, but we do have a solid friendship built on silent shoulders to cry on and quiet stoner sessions. I know she knows pain, just like I do, I know she understands what it feels like to lose your whole world and be forced into another, she’s lived it, she gets it. How is she so okay?

“How did you do it, Lils,” I whisper into her hair, and she pulls back to look at me. “How did you survive losing everything and still manage to wake up everyday and be okay?”

Her smile is sad, “I’m not okay, Jace, how could I be?” She shrugs, “But I didn’t lose everything. Sure I lost enough, but family is what you make it, and I,” she pauses, “We,” she corrects, “We have the most amazing fucking family, Jace, a family that quite literally kills for one another, don’t ever underestimate how lucky we are to have that despite everyone we have lost.”

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