Page 78 of Reckless Rebel

“You made the right decision, Riley.” Rick’s voice startles me and I whip around to face him. He’s leaning on the porch clearly having just watched my entire interaction with Jace.

I breathe in through my nose as I turn to him fully, wiping the tear from my face, “What are you doing here, Rick?” I can’t find it in me to be nice right now, I’m just so tired of fighting what I want.

He walks towards me with a casual shrug of his shoulder, “You’re mine, Riley, it’s time you remember that.”

His words don’t have the same effect on me as when Jace says them and I almost want to smile at the thought, “We broke up, remember? Something about missing out on all those other girls.” I bite back with a laugh when I think about the night of the party, “What’s the matter, didn’t they come flocking?”

I see annoyance on his face and I realize now how familiar I am with that expression, how many times I have seen it on him before and chose to ignore it.

He takes another step towards me, anger slipping into his tone, “You don’t wanna do this, Riley, we are good together.” I can tell now that he really believes that, I know because I did too, I was so blinded by him that it took what I have with Jace to allow me to really see.

It’s me who almost laughs now, finding nothing funny, “You think we were good together?” I ask in disbelief, “You actually believe that?” He frowns, but I don’t give him a chance to answer me, “We weren’t good, Rick, we were easy, familiar. You were the first boy to ever show me a slither of attention, and I was the first girl to fall for your fakeness. How can you not see that?”

“That’s not true,” he starts, “I treated you good, looked after you, made you popular.”

“You used me as someone you can easily manipulate, not caring for a second about anything I liked or wanted, if that’s you idea of good, Rick, then I can say with certainty that I don’t want it.” The words rush out of me in a release before I sigh, “I don’t want good, I want epic.” I am done with pretending, it's exhausting, I don’t love him, I don’t think I ever did, and as I stand here in front of him I can finally admit that to myself. “I want passionate kisses at waterfalls, and crazy fueled tension on cabin porches under the stairs, we don’t have that, we never did.”

“What and you spread your legs for some piece of trash and you think you have it now?” The bite in his words doesn’t sting as much as I’m sure he wants it to, nor is it as shocking as it might once have been because the truth is the only thing that can hurt me now is Jace.

I take a deep breath, “Honestly, I have no idea what we have,” I answer him truthfully. “But I’m going to find out.” The look he is giving me isn’t one of someone who has ever really cared about me so I don’t feel bad about adding, “You should go now.”

He sneers as I walk past him towards the door, not stopping to turn around until I am inside the doorway, “Boys like him don’t fall for girls like you.”

I turn around until our eyes can meet and shake my head with a small smile, “Goodbye, Rick.”

I close the door before he can add anything else and stay there until I hear the start of the engine and the sound of his car driving away. It’s finally over, but that’s okay, because some things have to end for other things to start, and I am ready for a new beginning.

39

Jace

My hands are shaking uncontrollably, my breaths coming faster than I can even choke them down. I feel the pain deep in my chest, the betrayal. She chose him. I don’t know why I’m surprised, but I thought things were real between us, that everything changed on vacation, but I guess it was just me. I can’t do this, feel this, it’s too much, and with nothing in my system to stop it, I feel every stab of pain like a knife against my skin.

Is this how I am going to pay my penance, by falling in love with the one girl I can't have? The one girl who doesn't give a fuck that I'm a Rebel, or seem to care about my fucked up past. A girl who didn’t even truly fucking like me. I was fine, happy to plunge head first into the broken shit show that is my life, and then she came along and ruined it all.

I’m not sure how I got home, I don’t remember the drive, but as I pull up into the garage I know one thing and one thing only, I need it all to stop. I don’t want to think about Riley, or Taylor, or Rachel, I just want to stop existing and stop the pain. I need to feel nothing.

I notice Lincoln’s SUV is missing as I storm through the garage and when I enter the code to go inside the house, I don’t hear anyone around. That’s good. I head straight to my room, not bothering to see if anyone is actually home, and pull out the box of bottles I keep hidden from under my bed. Whiskey is the only thing I need. I don’t bother with a glass, just chug half of the bottle in three gulps, desperate to numb this empty feeling inside of me.

Why does everyone always leave me?

I choke down more of the booze but it isn’t working fast enough, I need more. I stalk into the bathroom and start ripping open the drawers until I find what I need. Pills. When a bottle clunks to the front, I don’t even read the label, just pop open the top, and toss two down my throat. I swill them down with some more whiskey as I look at my reflection in the mirror.

No wonder she chose him, look at me, look at how fucking pathetic I am. I didn’t stop my sister from being murdered, I didn’t stop Taylor from being murdered, and I didn’t save Elle from being taken. I’m a failure. A murderer. I can’t bear to even look at myself, so how can I expect Riley to.

I swallow more pills.

One, two, three, four, five, six.

Draining the bottle of liquor until it’s as empty as I feel.

I take one last look in the mirror, staring at myself until I can no longer bear my own reflection, then I smash my fist into it, shattering it to pieces over the sink. The pain this time is welcome as it ricochets off my shield of numbness, not even the splits in my knuckles registering now.

I stumble from the bathroom and slam into my dresser, knocking a tray of cologne off it, and then collapse to the floor.

That’s the last thing I remember before the darkness takes me.

“Jace!”

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