Page 80 of Reckless Rebel

I know she has reached her level for intimacy when she rises from the bed and moves to walk away, but I don’t want to be alone just yet, I just want some of our silent company, “Wait.” I grab her hand in a panic and I know she sees it written all over my face, how scared I am.

“Jace,” her voice softens, as she reaches out to cup my cheek. “You are so much better than this, what happened?”

I open my mouth to tell her but another voice beats me to it.

“I’m so fucking stupid!”

Both our heads snap towards the door to find Riley staring at us with Elle by her side, a look of betrayed anger, and confusion across their faces. Lily drops my hand and slips off the bed quietly, and I watch as Riley’s gaze drops down her body to where she is wearing my shirt. I know how this must look, what she must think.

“Well, that didn’t take long at all, did it?” She bites out, bringing her glare back to mine, the tone of her voice is the one I am used to from when we first met. It’s like the last two weeks didn’t even happen.

“Red.” I struggle to sit up as I talk to her. “This isn’t what it looks like.” I hear how pathetic my argument sounds, how she doesn’t buy it for even a second, fuck everything is going so wrong.

“It looks like I’m a fucking idiot for trusting you.” She shakes her head as she looks at me in utter disgust.

I watch Elle as her eyes look over the scene of the room, the mess from atop my dresser, the vomit on the floor, the bathroom door still open where you can see my soaked clothes strewn on the floor. When she brings her gaze back to the bed I know she knows, and the shame hits me even harder. Riley might think I’ve betrayed her, but that’s not true, but I can’t pretend I haven’t let down Elle once more, let down my family.

She takes a step forward, “Pretty Boy? What’s going on?” The emotion in her voice has the words clogging in my throat. When am I going to stop hurting her?

“You said I was your life raft,” Riley interrupts before I can even answer Elle. “You promised.” Her voice cracks a little before she takes a deep breath and squares her shoulders, “You couldn't wait what an hour, two? All I asked was to give me some time to set things straight with Rick, yet here you are off your face on god knows what, and doing whatever it was you were doing.” She cuts a sharp look towards Lily who remains eerily silent beside the bed.

After what I have just done I know what needs to happen next, I can’t keep her, I never could. “Don’t act so surprised, Riles, wasn’t it you who said I was pathetic and worthless?” I climb to my feet, steadying myself a little as I sway, my focus finally fully clear. “So I get a little fucked up sometimes, you try living in my head and see if you could handle it.”

“And what, you want to prove me right?” Her voice is raised now and I notice Marcus appear in the doorway behind Ells, “If this isn’t what it looks like.” She waves her hand between me and Lily, “Then tell me, what is it? Why can’t you just let me in instead of pulling shit like this and pushing me away.” She crosses the distance between us and reaches up to cup my face, “I know your trauma, your pain, but this isn’t the answer, let me help you.”

Lincoln appears behind Marcus, all of them watching our exchange with looks of concern and upset, I can’t do this, not anymore. They all need to stop. My family are looking at me like they want to take away my pain, and now here is Riley opening her arms to me after what she just walked in on. They make me sick. I make me sick.

It all needs to stop.

I push Riley’s hands from my face, “Don’t you get it, I don’t want your help, I don’t want any of your help.” I look at each of them before focusing on Riley. “I’m in love with you, Red. I am so fucking in love with you it hurts,” I admit in front of them all. “I didn’t want to love you, I tried not to, because I knew, just knew I wasn’t capable of being happy, being one of those people who gets it all, but you just kept making me fall.”

Tears begin to track down her face as I continue, “But I can’t do this, I can’t love you,” I whisper more to myself than her. “I can’t love anyone, so please, I need you to stop, just stop. Turn around and walk away, because I can’t, and Red, I really fucking need you to.”

The loudest silence I have ever encountered occurs before she responds, “I don’t care,” she bites out, swiping the tears from her cheek. “I don’t care what you say, and you can feel sad and drink away the pain, but it won’t stop the world from turning, not even yours. Look around you, Jace, look at what you are doing to the people who love you.” I can’t tear my stare from hers to look at them, I already know what I’ll find on their faces. “Look at what you are doing to me, to us, we had something.”

“There is no us, Riley, there never was, you were never going to let me in, not really.” It’s taken me until this moment right here to realize that. I’ve been so fucking stupid thinking I could change.

She shakes her head as another tear tracks down her face, “Okay, but remember you did this, you gave up. Your friends are all living their life, your sister is growing up, and what, you are just going to be this? An addict. They’re dead, Jace, they aren’t coming back, not even for you.”

Her pent up rant slaps me in the face as Elle steps forward, “Okay that’s enough, you need to leave.”

Riley’s smile is resigned, “Of course, Elle King to the rescue.” She exhales roughly, closing her eyes for a few seconds before she looks at me again, “Don’t come back to the house unless you are sober.”

We all remain fixed to the spot as she storms from the room taking what was left of my heart with her, and when I take in the looks on my brothers’ faces, on Elle’s face, I know, this is my rock bottom, and I don’t see myself ever getting out.

40

Jace

Whiskey. Coke. Pills. Weed. It’s an endless cycle. I’m not sure what day it is, or how many days have passed since my showdown with Riley. I’ve not eaten, I’ve barely slept despite the cocktail of drugs in my system, and I haven’t spoken or seen anyone. My entire family is giving me a wide berth since I threw them out of here after she left.

My room is cloaked in darkness, just like my mind and soul, and I wish I could just slip away without anyone noticing, but I’m not that lucky. The door opens with a bang and my eyes tighten shut as the light is switched on and I hear her voice, “You start over there, I’ll do this side, you do that side.”

The curtains are ripped open and the windows up, as I open my eyes and find Elle, Marcus, and Lincoln all standing in my room going through my things.

“What the hell is going on?” I croak, rubbing my hands over my face and trying to adjust to the light. My entire body is soaked in sweat, and I can feel my heart pounding inside of my chest.

Marcus is the one to take a step forward, a solemn look on his face as he risks a glance towards Elle. I know he’s worried about me, and it’s clear he has something to say, but of course Elle beats him to it.

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