Page 9 of The Light to My Darkness (The Light to My Darkness 1)

The pain was back in my chest. But it wasn't like the one I had felt moments before. This one mimicked the way I had felt in the last few pages of my manuscript. Like I had just lost everything. And I didn't understand the feeling. My family was right in the other room. So why did I feel so far away?

"You're hurting me," I whispered. I placed my hand on my stomach as I made my way up the stairs. It felt like the baby was doing a summersault in my belly. My hand gripped the railing tighter. It was like he was trying to tell me I should go into the family room and get the movie set up. But I just couldn't tonight. I didn't want Scarlett to see me cry. That was one thing I never wanted to do in front of my daughter. I wanted her to think I was strong. Even on the days where I felt weak.

I knelt down before I even reached the bed and let myself cry. Maybe it was the hormones. Maybe it was the feeling of not being needed. Maybe it was the rejection letter. Or maybe it was the fact that James had snapped at me when what I really needed was a hug. I had no idea. I just felt so defeated.

"Penny, we're starting the movie!" James called from downstairs.

I wanted my daughter to think that I was strong, but maybe that was a lie. Because right now I just needed James' arms around me. "James," I whispered. Ow. He could take away the pain. He'd know what to do. He always made me feel better.

"Penny?" he called again.

I waited for his footsteps on the stairs, but they didn't come. I lay down in the middle of the carpet. James didn't come to see if I was okay. He left me completely alone. I used to think he could feel when I needed him. He always just showed up. When had he stopped feeling my pain?

Scarlett's ecstatic giggle and James' deep laugh drifted into the room from downstairs.

It made everything hurt even more. How could he tell Mason about being worried about my health and then act this way? He could read me like the back of his hand. He knew I was about to cry downstairs. And he took my silence as me being upset with him. I need you, James.

This wasn't concern. This was something else. I closed my eyes tight. Were we falling apart?

***

The sun streaming across my face made me open my eyes. I wiped the drool off the side of my face as I slowly sat up. For a moment I was disoriented. But then I remembered falling asleep on the floor. I remembered the pain in my chest and my son fighting my poor decisions. I put my hand on my stomach. The pain was gone. But now my side ached from sleeping on the hard floor. Why hadn't James moved me? Why hadn't he asked if I was okay when he found me like this?

I turned to look at the bed. It was still made. I swallowed hard. James never came to bed? I pushed myself up off the floor. I would have started calling his name, but I didn't want to disturb Scarlett sleeping in the other room. God, where was he?

My heart felt like it was slamming against my ribcage. Had he left? I knew he was mad at me, but that was no reason to leave in the middle of the night. We hadn't even talked about what had happened. Why would he just leave? I went down the stairs as quickly as I could. Panic was starting to set in. There was always this thought in the back of my head. What if he started using again? Would I even be able to notice the signs? I grabbed my phone off the kitchen counter and clicked on his name in my contact list. I was just about to call him when I walked into the living room.

I froze when I saw them on the couch. Scarlett's head was nestled on James' lap. She had her arms wrapped around his hand like it was one of her stuffed animals. James' head was leaning against the back of the couch. He looked ridiculously uncomfortable, but he was sleeping peacefully.

All my worry and anger dissipated, replaced by this warm fuzzy feeling. I shouldn't have run off last night. I should have talked to him about the way his tone had upset me. But none of that really mattered. I knew he had snapped at me because he didn't want me doing dishes. He wanted me to be more closely following the doctors recommendations. How could I be mad at him for caring about my wellbeing?

"I'm sorry," I whispered and sat down in front of them on the couch. I rested my head against James' thigh.

He made a soft moaning noise, but didn't stir.

James was the most caring husband, the sweetest father, and the best friend I could possibly ask for. If he wanted me to take it easy, I'd take it easy. Why would I hide in my room in pain when my whole life was in this room? We weren't falling apart at all. Our relationship had changed, yes. But change was a good thing.

The problem was that I had never really been good at change. And soon our three would be four. James and I would have even less time together. I just needed to hold on to those moments in between. I needed to remember that our family was better when it wasn't just us. Sometimes the messiest moments were the most fun. I eyed the bowl of popcorn that had fallen on the floor. I smiled and closed my eyes. James would never slip. Scarlett and my smiles were enough to make him happy. And yours, baby boy. I placed my hand on my stomach. He's going to love your smile too.

Chapter 5

Saturday

"Penny, what are you doing on the floor?" James whispered.

I smiled. His breath was warm in my ear. I loved the feeling of him being close, even though I knew he was just trying not to wake Scarlett. I slowly opened my eyes. James was sitting next to me on the ground, his back against the sofa. Concern was etched on his face.

"You never came to bed," I said quietly.

He gestured toward Scarlett sleeping peacefully behind us. "We fell asleep watching the movie. Here, let me help you up." He put his hand out for me and pulled me to my feet.

My back was stiff and my side was still sore from lying on the carpet for most of the night. But I hid my grimace. Today was a new day. And today, I d

idn't want there to be any hostility between us. I was going to start taking things a little more slowly like he wanted. If getting the cold shoulder last night was his plan for making me behave, it had certainly worked.

I looked down at Scarlett. She had grabbed a pillow and was hugging it where James' hand had been a few minutes ago. She really was the most adorable little girl. I looked back up at James. He was staring at me, like he was waiting for me to say something. He was probably waiting for me to apologize. But before I could say anything, he grabbed my hand and led me out of the room.

I hoped that didn't mean he wanted to argue with me. Heated words would surely awaken Scarlett no matter where we were in the house. That was the problem with open floor plans. I studied James as he pulled me into the kitchen. His posture didn't seem stiff and uninviting anymore. It was possible sleeping in an awkward position on the couch made it hard for him to look angry, though.

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