Page 38 of Between the Flames

CHAPTERTWENTY-TWO

Icouldn’t help but feel like I had betrayed my best friend as I walked into Noah’s place, heart hammering and body soaked from the rain. After Ryder left my studio, I grabbed my keys off the table, peeked out my window to make sure I could no longer see his truck, then dashed out of the door to my car.

I felt guilty, so incredibly guilty, and like I had cheated. I obviously had not, but the feeling of shame had washed through my still shaking body as I had stood there, staring at my door, replaying everything that had just happened in my head. There was no doubt in my mind that I needed to go to Noah. I needed to talk to him and get everything off my chest.

I knew it would hurt him.

He loved me and had loved me unconditionally since we were children. I knew that by me admitting that after all this time I still had unresolved feelings for Ryder; it was going to sting. Noah didn’t deserve that, but he also didn’t deserve a girlfriend who felt so much for another man.

It was a double-edged sword, one that was sharp on one side and dull on the other, and I couldn’t decide which was more painful. A sword that cuts swiftly is less painful than one that takes effort into achieving the cut. I knew that in some aspects this would be a swift cut to our relationship, severing it in an instant as soon as I admitted what was happening inside of my heart and my head, but it would also be like using a dull blade, cutting through each individual strand we had worked so hard to rebuild. I wasn’t sure I was ready for that.

Although, if I were truly being honest with myself, I knew we couldn’t keep being placeholders for each other just because it was convenient and comfortable. It was time to put it all on the line. The cards had been dealt and I knew the second that my eyes connected with Ryder’s at the reunion that my life would be flipped upside down. I just hadn’t realized the gravity of the situation until tonight when Ryder showed up at my studio to talk.

As if the heavens above knew the turmoil within me, the skies opened up the second I left the safety of my car. A cold, violent rain beat down upon me, soaking me to the bone as I made my way to Noah’s door. Thankfully, it was unlocked and I quickly slipped inside, pausing to let my eyes adjust to the environment.

Noah was sitting at his kitchen table, a small glass of whiskey in one hand and his phone in the other. The room was dark and the phone illuminated his face. I could see a scowl painted across his handsome features, and he didn’t glance up as I shrugged off my coat and laid it across the bench by his front door. He seemed lost in his thoughts and I couldn’t help but wonder if he somehow already knew.

Approaching him slowly, I wondered if he realized that I was even there.

“Hey, No…” I let the thought trail off as I assessed his reaction. I didn’t want to startle him, although the darkened look in his eye as he stared at his phone was unsettling. His eyes snapped up to mine at the sound of my voice, and he instantly set his phone facedown on the table.

“Ells!” he replied, too cheerfully. He opened his arm to the side so that I could slip onto his lap, and I did so, easily falling into old routines as I hugged him tightly around the neck. I shivered, still chilled and wet from the rain. He breathed deeply, inhaling my scent as he squeezed me back, not seeming to mind that I was getting his clothes wet too.

I pulled back from our hug and slid into the chair beside him, wanting to talk to him at a little further distance. “Noah, I think we need to talk…” My voice trailed off again, and I suddenly doubted whether or not I wanted to have this conversation right now. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, willing my nerves to calm.

He stared at me with an expression on his face that I couldn’t quite read. I licked my suddenly dry lips and stared down into my lap, trying to plan my next sentences. Noah sensed my nerves; he reached over and pulled my hand into his, stroking his thumb over my knuckles in a soothing motion.

“Elle…” he spoke, his voice low. His eyes were cast down, staring at our hands. “Go to him.”

Shock radiated through my body, my heart dropping into the pits of my stomach. I looked at him in disbelief, convinced that I had heard wrong.

“Wha…what?!” I stammered, searching his eyes for clarity.

After a moment he spoke again, his voice slightly louder and more firm. “You heard me, Elle. Go to him.”

I pulled my hand away from him like he had lit it on fire.

“I…what?” I rubbed my temples, processing his words. My breath was coming in heavier and I involuntarily shook my head. I was so confused. “Go to him,” I repeated slowly, testing the sentence out on my tongue. It tasted foreign and wrong.

He nodded slowly, my eyes transfixed on the bobbing motion of his head indicating that I heard him right.

“I’m not going to pretend like I didn’t know this day was coming, Ells. I figured it would happen a lot sooner than this.” He took a deep breath. "I saw the way you two looked at each other at the reunion.”

I sucked in a sharp breath, nearly choking as it lodged in my throat. Noah paid no attention to my dramatics. I eyed him skeptically, suddenly pieces of an unsolved puzzle clicked into place as I stared into the face of the man I had been learning for years.

Suddenly, memories came flooding back to me. Noah in my car staring angrily at his phone, refusing to tell me who it is, Noah and Lily arguing when they thought no one was listening. I pressed my hand against my mouth, analyzing every detail of what I’ve been missing for years, scrutinizing his behavior just now—it was the same as it had been all those years ago.

“You’re talking to her again.” It wasn’t so much of a question, as it was a fact. I watched his eyes widen slightly, briefly, before he slipped right back into the hardened mask that only a cop knew how to wear so well. He wasn’t letting his features tell me anything.

“You were never actually mine, Elle. So now I’m telling you to go to him.”

I stared at him for what had to be several minutes before I found my voice to speak again. I was fighting an inner battle of feeling relieved and even happy for him, but also feeling a little…hurt. How long had this been going on under my nose?

My eyes narrowed as I stared at him with disbelief.

“Noah,” I began, my voice sharp. “Answer the question. Are you and Lily talking again?”

“Barely. We have exchanged a few text messages.” He couldn’t meet my eyes, but I felt the truth in his words. He was still hurt, clinging onto the past just like I was. “For the record, I don't think they’re married anymore.”

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