“She said that?”
“No, she didn’t. It’s just a hunch.” He turned his attention to his empty whiskey glass, wrapping his hand around it. I watched the movement of his finger as he tapped it on his glass, trying to give my mind a minute to process. The longer I sat in silence, the angrier I became.
“So, what? You and Lily text a couple of times and suddenly you’re pushing me back in Ryder’s direction? You’re not upset, Noah? You’re not going to get angry, or yell…feel betrayed? You’re just throwing in the towel that easily?” I realized my voice was raising but I couldn’t stop myself. I was lashing out and spiraling quickly.
He wasn’t even going to fight for us.
Did I want him to?
Was I so disposable that he was just willing to send me on my way and be done? Would there be friendship after this? I couldn’t lose him again. I wouldn’t. But…if he had cheated? Had he cheated?!
Fuck that.
Noah knew that I was seeing red and pulled me to my feet, his huge arms wrapping around me and hugging almost painfully tight, but I wasn’t done being mad. My body was shaking, so enraged and overwhelmed by the cyclone of emotions that was spiraling inside me.
He nuzzled into my hair, his lips pressing against my head as he spoke again. “Elle, it’s because I love you that I am telling you to go to him. I’m not an idiot and I could see that he still wants you. I’m not angry, because I am your best friend, Elle, and I know how much you have tried to shove your feelings for him down into the deepest part of your soul and lock them away. For years. You’ve done that for years. Aren’t you exhausted?”
I nodded my head in his chest, scowling because I equally hated and loved that he was right. “I am too,” he continued. “I know that you have put everything into our relationship, and I hope you can see that I have too, but there was never really an us. You and I? We’ve been best friends since we were three, minus a few years of our little hiatus, and yeah, the sex has been good, but you can’t sit here and tell me that you have the same types of feelings for me as you do for him. Are you going to look me in the eyes and lie to me right now? Lie to both of us? Think about it, Elle.” Kissing my hair, he loosened his hold on me, pulling back to look me in the eyes. “I’m giving you this out because we both know that this relationship of ours has been a drawn-out friendship with benefits.”
Tears blurred my vision. He was right—and I had no doubt that he had been faithful during our time together. He was simply telling me the ugly truth that I had tried so hard to deny myself for the better part of a decade. We both still pined for the two people who had no choice but to push us both away because of circumstance.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, burying my head back into his chest.
Just before the sobs racked my body I heard him whisper, “I’m not.”