Page 15 of With You

I woke up sometimeduring the night to the spot beside me empty and cold. Sitting up, I looked around the motel room and didn’t see my wife anywhere. The light was on in the bathroom, the glow shining from under the closed door.

Slipping out of bed, I trudged to the bathroom and gave the door a soft knock. “Babe? You okay?” I opened it slowly, finding Meadow sleeping on the floor with her arm curled around a pillow. The room smelled like flowers mixed with an acidic scent. My eyes flicked to the air freshener sitting on the counter. Was she sick?

“Meadow?” I crouched, brushing her hair off her forehead.

She stirred, rubbing her eyes. “Sorry, I didn’t want to wake you.”

“What’s going on?” I asked gently, helping her to a sitting position.

“After you fell asleep, I was just getting comfortable and was drifting off when I suddenly felt nauseous. I rushed in here and...” She swallowed noisily. “I haven’t thrown up this much since I was pregnant with Andrew,” she murmured.

My stomach jumped. “Um...Meadow, could you be pregnant again?”

Her eyes widened. “I...No. I can’t be. I just...we’re not ready.”

I sighed, sitting on the floor across from her. “Why aren’t we ready?” Although, I had a feeling I knew why she felt we weren’t ready, we still needed to talk about it.

“Because Sunny...” Her voice trailed off, her eyes welling.

“Hey, talk to me,” I said gently.

“This one wouldn’t be his and I just...it feels weird, that’s all and I have no idea why, but I’m scared.” A shuddered breath left her, a lonely tear rolling down her cheek.

“I’m scared too,” I confessed.

Her eyes snapped to mine. “You are?”

I nodded. “I am because I don’t want to lose you. That’s always been my biggest fear. That I couldn’t be as dominant as him or that I couldn’t love you like he did. Or that I’m not as good of a father as he would have been.”

“God, Shade.” She shook her head, scrubbing a hand down her face. “I had no idea.”

I shrugged. “I know we haven’t really talked about Sunny’s death but we’re here now. We need to talk. Because as much as I love you, I’m scared that if we don’t talk about it, it’ll break us.”

“I miss him and I worry that I’m not enough for you.”

“You told me that already. That’s why we’re here.” I cupped her cheek, placing a soft peck on her forehead. “But you have nothing to worry about. Youareenough for me. Andrew is enough for me. This baby...” I brushed my hand along her lower stomach. “If you are in fact pregnant, they will be enough for me too. If Sunny were here, he’d give me shit for not talking to you. He was always about communication even though he struggled with telling me how he felt. Until we met you. I’ve never thanked you for that, Meadow, so thank you.”

“What are you thanking me for?” she asked, frowning.

“Thank you for convincing Sunny to take it further. He told me he loved me, baby. That’s something I could never repay you for. As much as it hurt losing him, I’m just glad I found out how he felt before he died,” I explained, my voice cracking.

“God, Shade.” Meadow threw herself around me, straddling my lap.

I hugged her to me, pushing my face into the crook of her neck. “I miss him. I miss him so fucking much.”

A sob wracked through her. “I miss him too. I wish I could have known him for longer. I wish he could know his son.” She lifted her head, wiping under her eyes. “If I am pregnant, you’re fine with raising this baby to know Sunny as their father, too?”

“Yes.” I kissed her hard on the mouth. “You don’t have to worry about that.” I cupped the back of her head, deepening the kiss. A minty taste exploded on my tongue. She must have brushed her teeth before she fell asleep on the floor. “Andrew is mine. Even if my blood isn’t running through him, he is my son.” We had never openly discussed who Andrew’s actual father was. I always felt like he was mine anyway and I knew that Sunny wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. As Andrew got older though, Meadow and I both knew. But I meant what I said, I wouldn’t leave her over that. She was stuck with me. It was her and I against the world.

“How’s your stomach?” I asked, breaking the kiss and trailing my mouth down the length of her jaw.

“Better now. I think it was partially due to stress too.”

“I’m sorry, baby.” I bit her jaw, earning me a sharp gasp.

“God, I love it when you bite me.” She rocked against my lap, hinting for me to take it further.

I chuckled, lifting her into my arms, grabbed the pillow off the floor, and carried her back to bed.

---