Page 16 of With You

Meadow

There was a chancethat I could be pregnant. It wasn’t like Shade and I had ever been safe. We hadn’t used condoms since before Sunny died. A part of me thought that we would have issues getting pregnant again because it hadn’t happened yet. I hadn’t been on birth control since I was pregnant with Andrew but maybe it had just never been the right time. Until now.

While Shade slept beside me, I stared up at the ceiling. With my hand on my lower stomach, I let out a soft sigh.

Oh, Sunny. I miss you. So so much. I wish you could be here to watch your son grow up. He’s such an amazing little boy. Already with a big personality. He’s going to do amazing things for this world. If I am pregnant again, I’m sorry. I’m sorry you’re not here to meet any of your children. We’ll raise Andrew and our future kids to know you. That will never change no matter whose blood is running through them.

Tears leaked out of the corners of my eyes, a soft sob slipping free from between my lips.

The bed beside me moved, a heavy arm wrapped around me and pulled me close into a warm body.

“Let it out, baby,” Shade murmured, his voice shaky.

“It hurts.” I covered my face, the sobs becoming harder and stronger. They shook through me violently. I couldn’t control them. I had masked my feelings for so long, not wanting to upset Shade even more, but it was like a dam had finally broken and I couldn’t stop the cries from shaking through my body.

“I know, Meadow.” Shade cleared his throat. “I’m mad at him and I feel so fucking guilty for that.”

“I’m mad at him too.” I looked at Shade then. “Does that make us bad people?”

“Not at all.” He kissed me softly on the mouth. “I think it makes us human. I think we should have gone to grief counseling or something right away.”

“I thought the pregnancy would help us focus on something other than our pain.” But boy was I wrong. “It didn’t help though.”

“It helped a bit. Maybe not enough but it definitely helped a little.” Shade pulled away from me and left the bed. “Did you want to head to Toledo now? I can check us out, we can hit a pharmacy and get you a pregnancy test.”

I sat up. “We can worry about that when we get home.”

“No.” Shade slipped into his jeans. “I need to know how rough I can be.”

A light laugh left me. “You mean, how roughIcan be.”

“That too.” He crawled onto the bed and cupped the back of my neck, pulling me in for a kiss. “I want to know if you’re pregnant. If it comes back positive, we’ll make a doctor’s appointment. I just need to know.”

I cupped his face. “Okay.”

***

It was still prettyearly in the morning but since neither of us could sleep, we checked out of the motel and started making our way to Toledo. Once we hit the city, we stopped at the first pharmacy we saw.

Shade went in, grabbed me a pregnancy test, and came back a few minutes later with a bag full of stuff.

“What all did you grab?” I asked him as he sat beside me in the driver’s seat.

“I grabbed several tests and a big thing of orange juice. I figured if a bunch of tests come back positive, it’ll ease our mind a bit.”

“Thank you.” I took the bag from him and placed it at my feet.

Shade grabbed my hand, holding it tight in his. “Are you hungry? We can stop at a restaurant and grab an early breakfast.”

I smiled at him. “Sure, baby. I’d like that.”

He brought my hand up to his mouth, kissing the back of my knuckles.

We ended up stopping at a deli that was open all day and night. It was pretty packed for not even being seven in the morning yet.

“Grab us a seat and I’ll go take a test,” I told Shade, leaving the car.

“Not happening, Little Lamb. I’ll wait outside the door for you.”

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