Page 149 of Blossoms of the Heart
“Phoebe. That doesn’t mean that at all. I know all that you’ve been through, and the answer isn’t to simply suffocate your relationship because of your fears. If you love Tai, you’ll give him a chance to truly be with you. You have to talk to him. Tell him what’s going on with you.”
We’d had the same conversation before. I’d spoken to Mitsuke only weeks ago about this very thing and the advice was the same.
Talk to Tai.
Same conversation, same advice and I was still shit scared.
Still scared of being rejected.
“He won’t want me.”
“There’s no way of knowing that. I doubt that you would have given Tai the time of day if you felt there was a chance he wouldn’t want you.”
That was a good point, but one I didn’t have the strength to explore.
My good old friendfearhad crept back in and infiltrated my mind.
“I feel so lost.” I covered my mouth with my hands trembling, and once again broke down.
No resolution, no hope.
Things were worse, so much worse.
* * *
I shuffled around in my bed. The window was open and it was raining.
I’d taken refuge in my room for the whole weekend not wanting to talk to anyone. Not even Mitsuke who came to see me a few times yesterday with her usual
treats.
I’d gone to bed last night thinking about going back to Chicago after the exhibition.
Nice as it was to have contemplated staying in Japan. I didn’t think I could.
What I needed was to get back to work at the institute.
I shuffled again when I felt a presence in here with me and then I smelled it.
Cigarette smoke.
I jumped up and saw Tai sitting by the open window smoking. The haze of smoke wafted around him and trailed through the window.
He stared at me and I stared back not knowing what to say.
“It’s eleven sleeping beauty I thought I was going to wait a hundred years for you to wake up.”
“Or, you could have just woke me up.” I shot back.
“You’re a pain in the ass you know that?”
“And you’re smoking in my room.” What was wrong with me?
What I wanted was to run into his arms and stay there forever, not talk to him like he was some miscreant in my room.
“Yes, I’m smoking in the princess’ room making her clothes smell like shit.” He stood up and made his way over.
“Why are you smoking again?”
