Page 18 of Note to Self
“I don’t want you to feel embarrassed. I’m sorry if I pushed you.”
He shakes the sand from the blankets and hangs them over the washing line.
“No, you didn’t. It was me. I knew our relationship was toxic, but he was familiar, and maybe I used him just as much. I hadn’t realised he didn’t like me.”
“Maybe he didn’t. Maybe he was angry you were leaving, and he lashed out. He wanted you to hurt because you were the one who ended it all.”
“I doubt it, but thank you.” He presses a kiss to my cheek. “I’ve had a lovely day, Merlin, even with my mini meltdowns.”
If anything feels likes a dismissal, it’s this. “Me too, sweetheart.” Not able to find anything else to say that won’t make me sound desperate, I settle on something simple. “Take it easy. I’ll see you soon.”
With that, I walk back through the cottage and out the front door to my car. I just put my key in the ignition when the door opens again, and Trent stands in the entrance. I pull out the key and open the car door. “What’s wrong?”
Confusion is written all over his face. Did he want me to stay? I don’t understand. One minute he’s all over me. The next he’s insecure about everything he says and does. I don’t think he’s ready yet to take this any further. He needs friendship before anything physical can happen between us. Even though that disappoints me, I like him too much to walk away. I can be that friend for as long as it takes for him to learn himself and to trust.
I stride back to him, but he steps back.
“What’s just happened?” He stays out of arm’s reach.
“You dismissed me. You said thank you and that you’d had a lovely day. That’s a goodbye in anybody’s language.”
I rub the back of my neck. His insecurities aren’t going to go away with a spin of the wheel. Does he even want my help?
“Can we go back inside the house?” Trent thumbs over his shoulder to the open front door.
“Of course.” I sweep my arm out to let him go first, then follow him in and close the door behind me. “Talk to me, Trent.”
He walks over to the small two-seater sofa and sits, his forearms on his knees and his head down. “I didn’t want you toleave. I thought I was saying how much I’d enjoyed today and apologised for being a nut job. I don’t blame you for leaving. Maybe I’m not ready for anything more, which is a shame because I really like you, Merlin. You listen to me. You’re funny and sweet and too bloody good-looking for your own good. I don’t know how to get rid of my past fuck-ups and be myself with you. And…” He sighs. “You’ll get bored with me.”
I move over towards him and perch on the side of the sofa. When he finally looks at me, I can’t help myself brushing his hair away from his forehead. “You are all those things too, sweetheart. You’re not what he said. He only said it to hurt you because you didn’t want him anymore. Why don’t we take it slow, get to know each other? Let’s just see what happens. This place has a way of making everything work out. It worked for Merrick and Drew, and for Ivan and Brodie. What do you say, just friends?”
Trent nods, but he’s chewing on the corner of his lip, and the frown lines marring his forehead haven’t abated. There’s still some sort of dialogue running through his mind. The best thing is probably to let him work through it. He’ll talk to me when he’s ready. He hasn’t held back so far. But plenty of what he’s said could be taken as a warning, giving me the chance to back out, or as a test to see if I’m as shallow as his last partner. Well, fuck that.
“What’s going on in your head, Trent?” As much as I want to touch him, stroke my knuckles down his cheek, and cup his face in my palms, I keep my hands to myself.
“I don’t want to be your friend.”
I run all I’ve said through my head. I’ve had enough of being a doormat, of letting my need to be in a relationship outweigh the way I’m treated. I need to take responsibility formyactions. Do I want to be his friend? Fuck no! I want to be with him. As more than just his friend. I want to make the most of my time here and have a great time with this god of a man.
If I don’t sort my shit out by the beginning of September and make an effort to show my artwork, I’ll end up going back to my job, and all I’ll have are amazing memories of him.
“I don’t want to be your friend.” My words come out more harshly than I expected, more determined. Merlin’s disappointment is obvious as he frowns, his eyebrows knitted together, and his lips narrowed into a thin pink line. “I like you, Merlin. I like you a lot, and if you’d like to, I would like us to get to know each other better. Have more dates and see what we have going on. Can we do that?”
When Merlin’s face softens and a smile appears, I touch his leg. He covers my hand with his and squeezes it, then slides his hand up my neck, cups my jaw, and strokes the pad of his thumb through my stubble. I like the rough callouses on his palms and fingertips. Marc had soft hands with long fingers that had never seen a day’s manual work in his life. I want to know what Merlin’s hands feel like roaming over my skin, mytorso, gripping my arse. How would my dick feel being squeezed, pumped, stroked? I can’t hold back the moan escaping my lips as his brush barely a whisper away from them.
“God, you’re so responsive. What will you be like when I stretch you out, naked on my bed?” Merlin licks over my lips, and I open for him, but he pulls back. His eyes are as dark and deep as a midnight lake, with as many secrets. I want to lose myself in them as he owns me.
“There’s a bed only a few feet away from here.” I nod towards the bedroom. “It’s a very comfortable one too.”
I sense his rejection before he speaks, and it’s better to smile and rescind my offer by pulling away. “For future reference, of course.”
“Don’t be like that. Don’t brush it off. I want that. God know I want that, want you, but, sweetheart, I don’t want to rush. Think how good it will be when we know each other so much more.” He draws my head back down to his and lets his mouth find mine.
This kiss is sweet, slow, and full of promise. I mull over his words, trying not to automatically feel rejected. This is why I jump in too deep too quickly, allowing my needy nature to take over. I let him take control of the kiss, his tongue slick as he slides it lazily over mine, then up to the roof of my mouth with a flick. He pulls back to nip my lip, chasing the sting with another slip of his tongue. I never want this to end, but when the fingers that have been gripping my hair loosen, I lean back, opening my eyes. His slow smile lights up his whole face, and his dark brown eyes shimmer with gold flecks I hadn’t noticed before.
“God, you’re so gorgeous,” I whisper. A pale pink blush blooms on his cheeks as he ducks his head. “It’s true, and I’m sure you’ve heard it before.”
“If you say so.” He turns away from me. “Did you mind what I said? I assume you’re still going to be around. What Imean is, if you’re not looking for anything serious, then maybe I’m not the man for you.”
