Page 17 of Note to Self
“But?” He gestures for me to keep talking by circling his hand.
“But you’re incredibly hot, and that makes me nervous. I’m attracted to men who look like you, but they tend to only want me for one thing. They think I’m going to be easy, so they lay the charm on thick.”
“Will you please stop putting yourself down? I think you’re gorgeous. I like you even more now that we’re getting to know more about each other. You’re funny and so damn pretty I want to stare at you the whole time. But that would be a bit freaky and probably have you running for the hills. I’m not trying to lay on any charm. I’m also not expecting you to be an easy lay. I just want to spend time with you in any way you’ll have me. Okay?”
I stare at him. His expression is earnest and genuine, and he’s said it enough times for me to believe him. “Okay.”
“Good. Now, have you finished eating? I fancy a walk along the beach. What d’you say?”
“I say yes and yes.” I pack up the food and get everything back in the bags. Merlin picks up the rugs and gives them a shake, only just missing me with the crumbs and sand stuck to them.
“Oh crap, sorry, sorry. Did you get any in your eyes?”
With a laugh and a shake of my head, I take them from him and roll them up. “I’ll hang them over the line, let the wind finish the job.”
We go back to the cottage to drop it all off. Then I hold out my hand for him, and we stroll back to the dunes and down the narrow path, walking in single file but our hands still joined, to the beach. The sand is warm under my feet as we amble barefoot down to the shoreline. The waves aren’t big enough to surf today, leaving only gentle laps to wash over my feet. Merlin is quiet. He must be thinking over all I told him. He’s still holding my hand, rubbing his thumb over the back of mine. Maybe now is a good time to come out with the final thing. Maybe telling him will make me feel better, a confession of sorts.
“His name is Marc,” I say quietly. “He was a friend of a friend who tagged along to a party in a club. He was incredibly handsome, tall, with broad shoulders, a wicked gleam in his eye. Everything I loved in a man. He flirted with me all night, danced close with his hands on me, bought all my drinks, and at the end of the night, I went home with him. It was intense from then on. We were together a lot.” Merlin is back to chewing on the corner of his lip. “Hey, stop that.”
“I hate him already,” Merlin snarls.
“So did Josh and Merrick. They saw right from the start what he was like, but I didn’t listen to them. Anyway, to cut the story short because he’s not worth the time, he started to be passive-aggressive, would put me down in front of our friends. He would tell me I couldn’t take a joke. But I let him. I was in love with him. I told him I wanted to come out to my parents, to make us official, but he always had a reason why it wasn’t a good time for him to meet them. It wasn’t until the debacle with my parents that he showed himself and what I was to him. He laughed, telling me he wasn’t into anything serious. I was pretty to look at, good fun in bed, and a few more hurtful comments. Basically, when I told him I was going away, he said I wasn’t good enough to be his boyfriend. He was looking for someone more in his league.”
We stop walking.
“That’s it. That’s why I’m like I am.”
“That man was a dick, you know that, right? He put all his insecurities on you. He was a bully and didn’t deserve you.”
“I know that, but when I like someone, I get carried away. Then realise what I’ve done and wait for the thanks, but no thanks. I did it to you this morning, and you immediately said that you didn’t want me to do that. I’m probably going to do it over and over, which will come across as really needy, and you’ll hate it. Then I’ll be on my own again.” Trent throws his arms up in the air and strides away, heading back to the dunes.
I want to laugh. He’s like a kitten, all hisses and sharp claws. But he doesn’t scare me away. All I want to do is pick him up and hold him. I follow him, but I don’t catch up with him. I give him time to work out a few things. By the time he hits the path back up to his cottage, he’s slowing down.
“Trent,” I call out softly. He stops, his shoulders slumped, but he doesn’t turn around. “Sweetheart, look at me.”
He shakes his head, then wipes at his face. Christ, is he crying? I rush up behind him and pull him to me. “I’m not him. I’m not anything like him. Let me prove it to you.”
He looks down at the ground. “I can’t. I’m sorry.”
“Why?” I tuck my hand under his chin and gently lift his head. Tears streak down his face, and his eyes are red, but he’s still stunning.
He pulls away and paces again. “I’m a headcase in case you haven’t noticed. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life, and I know I’ll fall in love with you. And all you’ll have wanted was a summer fling.”
“I think falling in love sounds pretty nice, don’t you?” I lean down and brush my nose up the length of his. He’s shaking. “I can see me loving you, Trent, and I’m not scared to admit it.”
“But it’s still going to have an expiry date, and then there’ll be another life challenge to overcome.”
“Do you want me to leave?” He’s going to say yes, but I don’t think he wants me to, not really. He’s challenging me, provoking me. I’m guessing that when he said this to the twat, he did exactly that. It’s going to take time to prove to Trent that I’m not like that wanker, but we don’t have that time. He’s already about two weeks into his six-week break.
Trent bites down on his lip and slowly shakes his head.
“Oh, sweetheart, come here. I’m not going anywhere.”
I hold him and kiss the top of his head as he clings to me, fisting my T-shirt. “Can we go inside?”
Trent nods, pulling away from me to get his keys out of his shorts pocket. I pick up all the bags and blankets and follow him inside.
After the door is shut, Trent takes the blankets from me and walks to the back door to the small, walled garden. “I’m not usually such a wuss, and I’ve embarrassed myself enough for one day.”
