Page 19 of Note to Self
How serious is he talking? This is the first full day we’ve spent together, and it’s been great, terrific, wonderful. And scary. Scary how much I like him, scary how good we are together, scary how easy it would be to fall for him. But I have to put myself first. I’ve got a month left before I have to make any serious decisions. Ones that will either take me back home with the memories of a holiday romance, back into a classroom full of surly kids who can’t wait for the bell to ring and get out onto the streets. Others that will have me choosing to stay here, to find work while I expand my dreams of painting again. Or the final one that has me leaving both the school and Calston Cove to find somewhere else to learn how to be me.
My head says yes, if only for the exclusivity of being each other’s, no hooking up with anyone else. “I like the idea of it, of being together.” For now.
Relief floods his face as he relaxes. He pulls on my hands to get close to me again and kisses me. I think this is something he’s quite happy doing for hours. He’s not using it as a precursor for fucking, getting it over with as soon as he can.
He slows the kiss and leans back. “I’d better go.”
I let go of his waist. “Yeah, it’s getting late. Will I see you tomorrow?”
“I hope so. Give me a call or text in the morning.” He looks at me for a long moment. “I’ve had the best day, Trent.”
The corners of my mouth lift to match his. Only I don’t feel as confident as him.
When he’s gone, the rumble of his Landrover fading away, I flop back onto the couch and sigh, a long, happy sigh. My heart is beating faster. God, I’m acting like some of my year ten girls. I sit up properly.
I want to draw him, to try and catch the carefree attitude he carries everywhere, the opposite of my demeanour of cautious, thought-out plans. I jump up and grab my sketch book and pencils. I want to use plain pencil grey with splashes of colour. His eyes need to be captured in the sparkling emerald they were when the sun shone done on him.
Page after page, I fill of him, his face, his hands, what I imagine his bare chest to look like. I can let my imagination run wild at the thought of his naked body. I felt the thickness, the girth of his cock as I straddled him in his car. How long does he mean for us to wait? What is an acceptable amount of time before I get the chance to see him in the flesh? I doubt Google has the answer. Gay men aren’t usually the ones to take a step back, to take their time. If they did, I’m sure Grindr wouldn’t be as popular as it is.
My hand starts to cramp at the same time my stomach rumbles. I look at the time. It had got later than I expected. The sky is a pale violet as the night starts to take ownership, something I’ve grown to love watching. London, with all the built-up areas where the artificial lighting takes the place of the stars, doesn’t give the same view. Here on the edge of the dunes, it’s become one of my favourite times of day. I’ve more than a few paintings of it, and they’ve become some of the best I’ve drawn. Until I started to draw Merlin.
Reluctantly, I put the pencils down and stand up, groaning as I stretch my arms above my head to straighten out my spine after hours of leaning over the drawings.
My phone buzzes from the coffee table. I grab it, hoping it will be Merlin. Without thinking, I answer. “Hello.”
“Well, it’s about time you answered,” my mother says in a sharp tone. “Stop all this nonsense and come home.”
I end the call without saying another word.
I look down from the cab of the digger I’ve hired. The bramble-tangled and weed-ridden ground is finally showing itself. The rich soil is still going to take some major work to make it anywhere near good enough to grow anything in. But it will be by the time I’m ready to plant. It’s too late in the season now.
“What do you think?” Drew points to the area where the house used to stand. “I’m amazed it hasn’t blown down in the storms before now. It’s like cardboard.”
I smile at Trent as he pushes a wheelbarrow full of bricks and wooden frames up a length of wood and into a skip. He’s ditched his shirt, and his skin is already tanning, even with the sunscreen I’ve insisted on him using.
“That’s not what I wanted you to look at, but he’s cute. I’ll give you that.” Drew laughs. “Is it going well with you two?”
I don’t know how to answer that. Sure, we talk or text each other plenty, but we haven’t had any intimate time together. It’s been over a week since we had the big talk, but I think we’re heading in the right direction. “I like him a lot, but it’s new, and nothing has been defined. He’s a great guy but has had a bad relationship. I’m letting him set the pace.”
Drew nods. “Merrick mentioned a couple of things about his family. They’re not good people, but Trent was always compliant with them. Never one to rock the boat, or maybe itwas his sense of self-preservation. But this time, they went too far. Merrick isn’t sure he’s strong enough to keep away from them and his job. He needs to have a reason to stay or at least not go back, to move on to something new.”
I don’t like the sound of that at all. We could have something good. Drew gives me a pointed look. “What? Don’t look at me like that. I’m having a great time getting to know him, but we haven’t taken anything to the next level.”
“Well, without being too crude, I’ll give you some advice. If you want him to stay, you’re going to have to give him something worth staying for. Being a friend isn’t going to be enough. Honestly, mate, with the way he looks at you, he’s waiting for you to make the next move.”
I glance across the broken ground. Trent leans on the side of the skip, his chest smeared with sweat and mud. His cheeks are red from exertion, and his eyes are closed as he tips his head up to the sun. God, he’s a beautiful man, and I don’t want to wait until the end of the day to be close to him.
As I jump down from the digger, Drew pats my back. “Atta boy.”
I don’t know if Trent hears my approach or senses someone getting close to him, but he lowers his head and opens his eyes. The brilliant blue of his irises sparkles as his pupils shrink down at the bright sunlight, and the corners of his mouth turn up into a smile. Before he can speak, I clasp his face in my palms and press my mouth to his. The surprise has him opening to me, and I dive into the wet heat of his mouth. He tastes of the Coke he’s just drunk and sunshine. He joins in and strokes his tongue over mine. His hands rest on my waist, the callouses on his palms and fingertips chafing my skin.
As I deepen the kiss, I slide my hands up into his hair and capture the silky strands in my fingers. When we pull apart, botha little more than out of breath, he smiles. “What was that for? Not that I’m complaining.”
“Because I felt like it. You looked so good taking a moment I couldn’t resist you.” I press our foreheads together. “Can I come to you tonight?”
“Of course. Do you want to go to dinner first? Although getting a table may be tricky at short notice.” He frowns as he checks the time on his watch.
“How about I bring something, some cheeses and bread? We could eat outside.”
