Page 62 of The Baxters
Because God didn’t protect him.
That’s what she had told herself then, and it was how she still felt today. Remembering the details didn’t change anything. Ashley was different. She didn’t want to be the same naïve person she’d been back then.
The truth was, God had allowed Jefferson to die and that single reality changed everything for Ashley. If God had done that, then maybe He wasn’t so good after all. And maybe Landon was simply misinformed. Her parents, too. Just sadly ignorant, basing all their life’s existence and the sum of their futures on a Being who—in the end—didn’t care about them.
Ashley spent time every day beating herself up back then. If only she hadn’t asked to go to the store. If only Jefferson’s mother had picked him up instead. If Ashley hadn’t offered to take the kid home, he would still be alive.
But since he wasn’t, since he had done the heroic thing in his final seconds, then Ashley better make her life count. That’s how Luke felt about the situation. And with Ashley making one bad choice after another, Luke had been angry. Then and now.
Ashley couldn’t blame him.
Her troubles with family hadn’t stopped with Luke. After the accident Ashley quit going to church, something her parents brought up often. “Come with us,Ashley,” her father would say on his way out the door each Sunday morning. “Healing won’t truly begin until you give this over to God.”
“Really?” Ashley could remember the sarcastic responses she had shot her father. “So God is up there keeping score? Taking attendance?” Her tone had been ruder than she intended. “And He won’t let me get over this accident till I show up at church?”
Times like that her dad didn’t push. He would come to her, put his hand on her shoulder and, without asking for Ashley’s permission, he would pray. “Father, let her know You love her. Please. In Jesus’ name, amen.”
Once when he did that, Ashley waited till her dad finished before turning angry eyes toward him. “Please don’t do that. I never said you could pray for me.”
Her words sounded petulant and immature now, but they were how she had felt at the time. It was the one occasion when her father resisted her attitude. “Listen,” he had told her. His voice had been stern. “As long as you live under this roof, your mother and I will pray for you.”
“And when I move out?” Her response had been fast and mean.
“Don’t take that tone with me, Ashley.” Her dad had faced her, his arms crossed. “You were in a terrible accident. Jefferson was killed. We all get that.” His tone softened a bit. “But you’ve been treating us differently since you got home. That needs to change.” He hesitated. “And just so you know, I’ll pray for you after you move out,too.” Tears shone in his eyes. “As long as I have breath in my lungs. I’ll never stop praying for you.”
That morning Ashley had watched her family pile into their van and leave for church. Her parents along with Kari and Luke and Erin. Then she had grabbed her sketchbook and drawn the only thing she could think about.
A tombstone and a single name: Jefferson.
She pictured herself once more, running up the stairs of her parents’ porch after her talk with Landon the night before her flight to Paris. The rest of that evening she stayed in her room. Her parents tried to talk to her, but she refused. She needed to be alone with her broken heart.
Not because she’d had any doubts about her flight the next morning or because she thought she’d made a mistake by ending things with Landon once again. But because nothing she was doing made sense. Landon was the best guy she’d ever known. Yet in that one moment it was really and truly over with him.
Ashley let the memory die there.
Until tonight.
Earlier this evening, dancing with him had changed something. For her, anyway. That single dance with his arms around her again, hearing his voice soft against the rough edges of her soul, all of it had shattered her resistance.
On top of that, Landon had just saved her son’s life. He was strong and kind and compassionate. He loved hereven now, after all she’d done to him. So of course she needed to get away.
Needed to rehearse the words she would finally tell him when she returned to the house. The truth about Paris. Because she was wrong for Landon on every level. She could never make him happy. She wasn’t a good mother and she’d never be a good wife. Also, no matter how she had called out to God minutes ago, she didn’t really believe in Him. Not enough to go to church with Landon.
And Landon deserved someone who would.
Of course, Landon wouldn’t agree about any of that. Not until she told him about Cole’s dad. She took a deep breath. Yes, it was time to go back to the house and tell him. Then it would be over. No need to drag both their hearts through the mud of her mistakes and misfortunes one more time.
So, yes, she had needed to run.
Because if Landon tried to talk to her now, if he found her out here or if she looked into his eyes after all they’d gone through today, she would keep her secret as long as she lived. And that was one chance she simply couldn’t take. Not for her sake.
But for Landon’s.
20
Landon used the flashlight to make his way across the open fields toward the stream at the back of the Baxters’ land. Lightning was getting closer, and the wind was even sharper than before.
Whatever talk they might have out here, the weather wouldn’t give them long.
