Page 61 of The Baxters
She couldn’t let herself go there. He was alive and breathing. Her baby would be just fine. He was alive. He was still alive.
But what about her?
Sure, Luke had apologized for his bitter words. Telling her she was a bad mother and questioning Landon for sticking around for someone like her. Luke was sorry. She believed that.
Still… didn’t her brother have a point?
What sort of mom was she, after all? Luke was right about how often she went out with friends and dropped Cole off with their parents. Right about the way she treated Landon, and even the lack of interest she had shown to her own child.
And how come she’d spent three years denying God, but when Cole was choking to death, she cried out to Him first? That was more the definition of hypocrite than anything she had accused her brother of being.
She closed her eyes.Precious Cole. I almost lost you, baby. How could I have walked away from you with a juice cap on your high chair tray? I’m so sorry, Cole.
The truth was her son shouldn’t be alive. If Landon had left any earlier, well… this would have been a very different night. Not only that, but Cole shouldn’t be here for another reason.
Because she, herself, shouldn’t be alive.
The sound of the wind moving through the trees faded, and Ashley opened her eyes. She felt herself going back to that time. The accident three summers ago. Maybe if she allowed herself to remember those terrible days, the details surrounding the tragedy, she would find her way back to herself.
Back to God and her family.
Maybe even back to Landon.
Ashley didn’t look at photos from the crash scene till a month after she was home from the hospital. By then her family had hired a lawyer, and she and her parents were at a hearing. The deceased truck driver had been working for a national construction company at the time of the accident. His blood alcohol level had been nearly three times the legal limit.
“There’s nothing to discuss here.” The truck driver’s attorney looked around the table. “We’d like to offer a settlement.”
At the same time, amidst the police reports and insurance documents lying on the table, there were pictures of both vehicles. Photos passed around like so much matter-of-fact evidence.
Ashley was only eighteen. She took the photographs from the table and stared at them for the first time. Even now she could remember the panic that consumed her. Neither the truck nor Ashley’s car was recognizable. Just twisted metal and shattered glass, strewn parts and bent tires.
An intense nausea took hold of her and her forehead became cold and clammy. Her mother had noticed what was happening. She turned to Ashley, her expression suddenly concerned. “Honey… are you okay?”
Words wouldn’t form. Ashley could only stare at the pictures and imagine herself and Jefferson caught up in the tangle of twisted steel. “How…” She tried to finish the question, but nothing came.
With her mother at her side, she ran from the conference room to a bathroom down the hall and threw up. As if her body was trying to remove the images the only way it knew how. It took half an hour before Ashley felt strong enough to return to the proceeding. By then the photos had been tucked away in a file.
While the lawyers talked about the settlement amount, Ashley could only imagine the accident. How violent it must’ve been. How horrific.
What had allowed her to live? Why?
Ashley blinked, and memories of the proceeding faded. This wasn’t helping. The details made her just as angry and confused now as they had back then. She lifted her eyes to the sky and watched the clouds. They were low and fast-moving. Dangerous.
The change in her heart had happened the moment Ashley woke in the hospital, right after she found out about Jefferson. Until then, her days with her family, with Landon, had been predictably wonderful. Sure she had trials and concerns. Arguments with friends atschool, the awkward growing pains of adolescence. Something might go wrong, and then she would talk to God about it, share her struggles with her parents and pull out her sketchbook and draw.
Before the accident, she had anchors in her life. Absolutes she could depend on. The fact that God loved her and that He had sent Jesus to die for her. The constant support of her family and friends.
And always, Landon Blake.
Ashley squinted. She could still see the look on Landon’s face when she had learned the truth about Jefferson. That the boy hadn’t made it and that his memorial service had already come and gone. For the first time since Ashley knew him, Landon’s eyes had filled with something unfamiliar. Something she had never seen there before.
Complete and unfiltered fear.
Ashley learned later that Landon had been afraid the news would traumatize her, destroy her.
He had entered her room that day and taken the seat beside her. And in his typical Landon way he had tried to speak hope and life into the situation. Jefferson was a hero, he had jerked the steering wheel and taken the brunt of the crash. All to save Ashley, Landon had told her.
But she could barely hear him. The voice in her head was so much louder. Jefferson hadn’t done anything to deserve death. He was a nice kid who had hiswhole future ahead of him. And now he was dead for one reason.
