Page 38 of Fighting the Tide
My laugh shatters the surrounding stillness, the sound competing with the crashing waves of the ocean and the crackling of the fire.This is what I needed, sitting here with my best friend, laughing through the most painful points of our lives.It brings things into perspective.It shows that our problems really are secondary to our happiness, and if we let them, the problems will overshadow everything else.
“My dad’s back home,” I tell her when I finally stop laughing.“He’s been back since the holidays, and when my mother told me he was sober, I had a hard time believing it.”Avery doesn’t try to smooth things over or console me in any way, she just listens, nodding her head.“I didn’t believe it, Aves.I thought for sure he was deceiving her like he usually does and in a few months he’d run out on her again with her savings in his pocket, but I was wrong.”Her head pops up and her eyes widen at my declaration.
“He’s truly sober?”she breathes out, hope flaring in her eyes.
“I think so.”I shrug my shoulders.“I’m not sure.I’ve never seen him sober before, but he’s completely different from the man who’s been in my life since I was born.Do you know he has blue eyes?Bright blue eyes?”She chuckles and scoffs.“He made dinner for Mom.He’s been letting her sleep, and he’s got a job at the wharf.”
“That’s really amazing, Nolan.”She gives me a warm smile and reaches over to clasp her hand around my wrist, squeezing it.“I really hope it lasts because you and your mom deserve it.”
“I don’t think he and I will ever have the typical father and son relationship, but I can see that he loves her, and that’s enough for me,” I admit as I bury the toe of my shoe in the sand.“I’ve gone this long without a father, and to be honest, never really known what I was missing.I had nothing to compare it to, but she’s been heartbroken for over eighteen years.He has a lot of making up to do.”
“He does.He’s still a coward in my books if he doesn’t try to also make it up to his son, who turned into an amazing young man without the help of his father.”Avery’s words have me choking up and my eyes begin to burn as tears gather, distorting the fire in front of me.It’s true that my father didn’t have a hand in how I was raised and he caused more fear than anything else in our household.The person I am today is because of the person my mother is.She loves hard and she gives her everything to the people she cares about, even if they’re drug addicts and drunks.She somehow sees beneath all that and finds the good in them and the reasons they deserve love.I think I get that from her.
I turn my head and look at the lighthouse in the distance, the beam spanning out over the ocean, and something twists inside my stomach.Being here in Chatham is great, and to see Avery and my parents is amazing, but I can’t deny that there’s something, someone, missing.It’s Brooke.Me being here on the beach, seeing the lighthouse, smelling the briny air, all of it reminds me of her.No matter how many times I try to remind myself that she broke my heart, my mind seems to be selective as it forces the memory of how we were before all of that.
The movies, her house, school, and just riding in her car with the top down.I miss Brooke, and as I admit that to myself, something flares in my chest.It’s the same feeling I felt that first night, dragging me to the lighthouse and then again when I found her alone on her birthday.It’s coming alive in my chest and pulsing like an SOS, forcing me to my feet.
“Are you going home?”Avery asks as she stands, dusting her pants off.
“Yeah.I’m tired after all that traveling.Let’s meet back here again tomorrow.”Her eyes narrow, almost like she knows exactly what I plan to do, and still, I can’t admit it to her.I don’t want to feel her disappointment because I’m filled with it already.
I’m not going to Brooke’s house.I’m not demanding that she look me in the eyes and tell me why she did what she did, but I have this urge to go to the theater, to sit in the parking lot at the back door, and see if it’s still propped open with a soda can.I don’t know why it’s the one memory that’s flaring bright in my mind, all I know is that if I don’t go there right now, I won’t be able to sleep tonight.
I hug my best friend, pulling her in close and inhaling the scent of her shampoo.It’s comforting to have her here the first time I come home because Avery has the ability to smooth out my rough edges.She’s always been the soothing balm in my life when things have gotten too dark and has been there no matter what we’re going through.Even though this feels like a slight deception, I have to do it for myself.
She gives me a wave over her shoulder as she walks away, her ponytail swinging and her hands buried in the pockets of her hoodie.It feels like nothing’s changed since we were in high school when I know the opposite is true.Everything has changed, but it’s our friendship that remains the same.
I head back to the cottage and step in the back door to find my blankets and a pillow on a brand-new couch that pulls out into a full-size bed.The sight leaves me shocked as I stand in the doorway and stare at it, the early light of the moon illuminating its elongated frame.
“Your mom bought it over the holidays.”I turn my head at the sound of his voice and find my father leaning against his bedroom doorframe.He has on a pair of pajama pants and his arms crossed over his chest.Despite the drugs and alcohol, he’s still a fit man, even though he’s aged quite a bit since the last time I saw him.“She was excited for you to come home and see it.”
I step forward and run my hand along the rough fabric of the couch, taking in its rich burgundy color and smiling because I know that’s my mother’s favorite color.“I’ll make sure to thank her in the morning,” I say, not turning to look him in the eye.“I was actually thinking of going for a ride into town.”
When there’s no answer, I turn to see if he’s still there and find him in the exact same position, his eyes narrowed on me as he nods.“Keys are on the hook by the door.Don’t stay out too late and try not to wake up your mom when you get in.”Then he goes back into the bedroom and closes the door behind him.Even though I appreciate how much he seems to care about my mother, I can’t help but notice how cold he is toward me.It’s just a quick thought, but it’s there, nonetheless.He actually showed me more emotion when he was a drunken asshole than he is now.
I douse myself in Axe body spray as the feeling in my chest amplifies, the pull dragging me to the front door of the cottage and out to the truck.I climb inside and start the engine, wincing when the roar is loud and echoing around the cottage, but there’s no way I could turn back now, not with this feeling thundering through me.I’ve never believed in anything supernatural.I think it’s all way too out there, but this connection I have with Brooke feels otherworldly.It’s that empty spot in my soul that searches for her every day, and it knows when she’s in close proximity because this is how it acts.I let it lead me into town, and as I pull up to the theater and park in the back parking lot, I chuckle loudly when I see the soda can propping that back door open.I look at the time on the dash and realize the theater will be closing in an hour and the final show is already underway.Even though I have the urge to go inside and pick a movie to watch, I can’t seem to bring myself to do it without her.So I turn off the truck as that pulsing energy inside me calms down and I lean on the steering wheel, watching the door through my windshield.
It’s about fifteen minutes later when that door cracks open and I straighten from the steering wheel to see a hooded figure slipping out into the dark.My heart crashes in my chest as I pull on the door handle, the creak of the truck’s hinges sounding like an alarm in the quiet night.There would be no stopping me now, not when my feet have hit the pavement and her back straightens as she slowly turns around.I know it’s her, my heart knows it’s her, my fucking soul recognizes the piece of it she holds in her hands.
“Nolan.”Her tortured whisper stabs me in the stomach as she steps back, that damn hood hiding every feature on her face.
“I should have known when I had the urge to get my ass over here that it had something to do with you.”My eyes eat her up from the top of her head to her pink-painted toenails in her sandals.Her hoodie is too big, hanging off her too-slight shoulders, and her pants are too loose around her thighs.Brooke has lost too much weight, and I’m left wondering if the reason she stayed home is that she fell too heavily into the chemical side of numbing her pain.“Are you spiraling, Brooke?”
“No,” she grinds out.That fire I love so much about her coats the word as it slams into my chest, scorching my heart.“Go back home, Nolan.”Then she has the audacity to turn away from me and rush to that pink convertible, hidden at the far corner of the parking lot, to get inside.
I can’t seem to move as I watch her start the engine, and then she’s pulling that hood down off her head, freeing those tangled waves I used to love sinking my fingers into.I can see the sharp, protruding angles of her cheeks and the perked-up tip of her nose as she pulls out of the parking lot and speeds away, but what Brooke doesn’t understand, what she’s never fully grasped, is just how tight our souls are woven together.This void inside of me knows exactly where to go to find her, and when I rush back into my truck and start the engine, it’s almost as if I’m driving on autopilot, letting the pulse in my chest direct me back toward the beach.
I park on the public road right behind her convertible and look out toward the ocean to find her running along the sand, her feet kicking up the grains as she heads toward the lighthouse.I turn off the truck and get out, stepping up to the guardrail and wrapping my hands around the metal as she opens that gate and heads to that door, prying it open as her hair whips in the wind.
She had to know that I would follow her here, and that’s why she picked this spot.This place holds so much power over our relationship and it’s always been the place that’s changed our dynamic.As I hop over the guardrail, my feet sinking into the sand, I realize I couldn’t stop myself from following her if I tried.It would take nothing short of a bullet to my heart to make me leave her there alone.I’m not an idiot.I haven’t forgotten what she did to me and how badly she ripped me to shreds, but there’s this sort of magic here on the beach, especially in the wind that blows around that lighthouse.It has the power to make me forget, and it has the infinite ability to bring us together, no matter the circumstances.
The door is left open and I step inside, only to freeze in the doorway.I’m suddenly afraid that when I climb those narrow stairs, I’ll find her hanging over that edge, and this time, I won’t be able to bring her back.But that fear is just that when I find her standing in the center of the lighthouse right in front of me with her arms wrapped around her waist and her cheeks glistening with tears.Even here, with only the moon illuminating the space around us, I can see the golden green of her eyes and how they sparkle as she stares at me.Her plush bottom lip is trapped between her teeth as her body trembles, and I want nothing more than to pull her into my arms, but I’m afraid.The thought of being swept back up into Brooke’s storm scares the hell out of me.
“Why did you come here?”she asks me as her hands drop to her sides, fisting at her thighs.“Why did you follow me?”Her words are filled with despair as her face crumbles.
“Like I ever had a choice, Brooke.”Finally, the cement encasing my feet breaks away and I go to her, grabbing the fabric of her sweater in my fist and coiling it at her chest.“Like I ever had a fucking choice when it comes to you.”Then I drag her into me, breathing in her scent that makes me weak in the knees.I bury my nose into her hair and she sobs into my chest, her little fists beating against my back as she tries to fight my hold on her, but there’s no fighting the tide.The current is just too strong.So when her face tips upward, her mouth red and swollen, her eyes glistening with unshed tears, I do the only thing that makes sense and seal my mouth to hers.
It’s meant to be a chaste kiss, a form of comfort and a chance to remember the good things we’ve been through, but that quickly changes.As soon as her warm, velvet tongue runs along my lips, it’s game over.My heart remembers even when my mind fights to forget.I back her up to that lighthouse wall, the impact sending a thud around the room, but I don’t care.I have to have her because Brooke Eastham is mine.
