Page 62 of All Your Days
“You’re right, Eli, and I get it. I’ve spent years keepin’ you, and everyone else at arm’s length. Askin’ you to just try me… it’s fucked. I’m sorry—”
“No, it’s not—” I interrupt, rushing to defend him against himself. His voice is raw, and raspy, and breaking me openinside. I can’t bear it. But he doesn’t let me finish, cutting me off with a tight squeeze around my shoulders.
“Let me finish. It’s not—it’s not easy to say, ‘kay?” He waits for me to nod against his shoulder and clears his throat. “When I had to stay, after Sarah died, I was angry. Really angry, at the whole world. I’d lost everythingagain.My parents died when I was only a little tacker, and then the family I was stayin’ with couldn’t keep me and I moved on with Mitch. Then he got sick and I had to go on with Sarah. Then I lost her. You all seemed so damned lucky.”
The urge to defend myself rises and I squash it down. He doesn’t need me to explain that it wasn’t always easy at The Facility, that I’d lost my parents, too, that we’d starved in the lean years and had our own fair share of worries.
“I was hurt. And I was angry. And then that just became the way that I was until I didn’t know how to be any different.”
“So what’s changed?” I’m so quiet the words barely get past my lips.
Jacob's shoulder stiffens under my head, and then rises and falls as he sucks in a big breath and releases it in a gush.
“I lived my worst nightmare—one of ‘em anyway—and I realised… I realised that there are worse things than losin’ you.”
My hand finds his in his lap and I squeeze it tight.
“Like what?”
“Like losin’ you while you’re right here. Losin’ our chance to make somethin’ together. Like wastin’ my whole damn life because I’m too damned scared to live it.”
I can’t fucking breathe. I’m too scared that if I do, I’ll blow his words away in the wind. Jacob must sense my panic, because firm lips kiss the crown of my head again. Tears burn my eyes, and I squeeze them shut to hold them back.
“I can’t guarantee I’ll be any good at it—at being together like that. And I don’t know how things will go with me goin’ on traderuns and all the rest. I want to try, though, Eli. I really, really want to try.”
“I’m not comin’ on any more runs with you. Ever.” I whisper, all reedy and thin, too fucking close to breaking down.
Just as I think I’m about to fall apart, Jacob’s gentle laugh pulls me back together.
“Yeah, Eli. That’s fine.”
He kisses my head again, the arm around my shoulders dipping down to my waist to tug me in closer to his side, until I’m nearly in his lap. I snake my arm around his waist, too, relaxing completely into him and sinking into his side. Only the sounds of the fire crackling and popping fill the night. We don’t speak, there’s nothing else to say. Not right now.
Under the billions of stars in the sky, I allow myself to dream.
Chapter seventeen
Jacob
“Is that… is thatit?” Eli squints, even though the big concrete walls in the middle of the nothingness of the desert could be very few things other than what it is. The Facility.
We’re home.
The grey concrete walls soak up the orange light of sunset, making the place look almost magical. Coming home doesn’t feel magical, though. It feels fucking terrifying.
“Sure is.” My voice is dry and hoarse, rough from talking all day, answering Eli’s relentless questions. It doesn’t cover the anxiety in my voice.
Eli squeezes my hand tight. After our talk last night, he hasn’t let me go for a second longer than necessary. Not that I’m complaining.
“You ‘right?” He twists to look up at me, the squint becoming a concerned frown.
“Yeah,” I force myself to smile, but it feels tense. “Yeah, ‘course.”
“You’re a fuckin’ liar, Jacob. What’s wrong?” Eli pulls on my arm and bumps into me affectionately, kinda like the camels do.
“Just… we’re gonna get separated. It’s makin’ me feel a bit…” My brain scrambles to find the right word.
“Completely fuckin’ terrified that it’s all gonna be different for us the second we get back and everythin’ that’s happened and everythin’ we’ve said isn’t gonna mean anythin’ and we’re just gonna go back to the way that it was before we left?”
