Page 61 of All Your Days
After force feeding Lou and making sure he’s got some water into him, it’s time to settle him on his cot in the spare tent. Thank fuck we were able to save that one.
Another not great, but helpful distraction tool, when avoiding talking about feelings after a traumatic event? Taking care of a teammate you thought was dead and lost out in the desert.
But when he’s all tucked away for the night, well, there’s nothing left other than the shitty reality I’ve been ignoring.
“Hey, what’s goin’ on?” Jacob asks, coming up behind me as I lock up the trailer, where I’ve just put away the last of our stuff from dinner. Camp is completely packed up for the night—I might actually be learning a thing or two as a grunt.
“Nothin’.” I shrug, trying to step around him. His hand stops me, slapping the trailer, his arm blocking my escape.
“That, Eli, is bullshit. What’s wrong.”
Jacob steps closer, trapping me against the trailer and forcing me to turn to face him. He looks so concerned, so genuine, it breaks the hastily constructed walls I’ve been trying to hold up.
“Oh, I don’t know Jacob, maybe it’s ‘cause we’re still stuck out here and we shoulda been home days ago? Maybe it’s because until this afternoon, I thought we’d lost more than half the team in one of the worst ways possible? And even now that’s touch and go with Lou’s heat sickness. Maybe it’s because we spent the night terrified we’d die and then another trapped in the trailer at the mercy of the Rains and I’ve spent every second since terrified that one of us is gonna turn on the other and there ain’t nothin’ we can do about it!”
I seethe, spitting every word out.
Jacob listens to every word, reaching up to tenderly stroke my cheek, despite my venom.
“I know. I’m sorry. So fuckin’ sorry. But itwillbe okay, Eli. We’ll get through this together. And when we get home we can—”
“We?We, Jacob? What fuckin’ ‘we’?” My finger jabs his chest, forcing him back. “You made itperfectlyclear that there’s no ‘we’. There’s you and there’s me. And know what? You were fuckin’right. Because it’s better that way. Safer. You were right. You were fuckingright.”
I keep walking forward, poking him in the chest to punctuate my point. Every one of my steps forward, he takes one back,until he’s the one backed up against the heavy wooden camp table.
My voice breaks at the end of my attack, cracking with the tears I’m trying desperately to ignore.
“Oh,Eli.”
Fuck him and the camel he rode in on. Howdarehe say my name with so much tenderness in his voice. I squeeze my eyes tight so I don’t have to see him in the dying glow of the campfire. Two hands cup my face, wiping away the tears.
“I waswrong. I couldn’t’ve been more fuckin’ wrong.” Using his hold of my cheeks, he pulls me closer to kiss my forehead. And I let him, because I’m weak and holding on by a thread. “‘Course you’re not okay. Youshouldn’tbe after what we went through. But I was wrong. Wrong about all of it. My whole life—I’ve wasted so much of it, so much of it that could’ve been spent with you. I want… when we get home, I want that. With you, only you.”
“But what about—”
“What if a star falls from the sky and kills us all? What if our heart stops and we fall down dead? What if we trip and break our neck? What if we live to a decent old age and spend the rest of our days happy together?”
“You can’t mean that.” Who the fuck even is this new optimistic Jacob determined to break me into a million pieces? Where is this coming from?
“But Ido. Because what else is there in this world? I was a fuckin’ idiot. There’re so many terrible things. We should seize every scrap of happiness and love we can and hoard it.”
“Is that what this is then? Love?”
“Yeah, Eli. It’slove. I love you. I think I’ve loved you ever since you were an idiot kid on a rubbish pile. The Facility’s not home; it’s never been my home. But you, Eli? You’ve always been where I want to come back to. Where I want to be. Where things feltright. I think that’s what home means, and for me, you’re it. I was just too blinded by my own shit to see it.”
“I—I—” I stutter, trying to find something,anythingto say. But I’ve got nothing.
“Shh, you don’t have to say it back. Or feel it, or anythin’. I know, I kinda sprung this on you. ‘Specially with everythin’ I said before. I just… I got some perspective. You don’t have to believe me right now, but I want to show you, prove it to you.” Jacob’s lips dust over my face, brushing over my eyes, my cheeks, my nose, before settling on my lips in a brief, sweet kiss that has me aching for everything he’s saying to be true.
“I don’t wanna say I don’t believe you, Jacob, but fuck me dead. How the fuck am I meant to believe this isn’t just some bullshit leftover from the Rains? Or just ‘cause you’re scared ‘cause we almost died? How do I know you’re not gonna change your mind when we get home?” I whisper my greatest fear.
“You don’t. But I do. All you can do is trust me.”
“That’s a pretty big fuckin’ ask, Jacob. I—I—” I take a deep breath to try and catch hold of my thoughts. They are like threads unravelling right now.
“Come on. Sit with me. Let’s talk.” Jacob’s hands slide from my cheeks, down my neck and my shoulders and then coast down my arms to capture my hands in his.
A soft smile pulls at his lips. How can I not follow him back to the fire? How can I not sit on the rock he gently pushes me down on? How can I not lean into him when he wraps his arm around my shoulder, tucking me against his side so he can press a kiss to my head.
