Page 50 of Be Your Anything
At least for now.
I took Lucas into consideration when making the decision as well, knowing he’d never left and was unlikely to ever do so. He’s been such a big, important part of my life for so long, and the idea of being close to him felt too good to miss.
I mean, I knew he was still with Remmy and that they had an open relationship, and of course there has always been a part of me that’s hoped things between them would end so something between us could truly begin, not like this sneaking around we’re currently engaged in.
But it’s his friendship that has been such a rooted part of me. The times we’ve been there for each other, encouraged each other, stood by each other’s side when life was hard.
Those are the memories of Lucas that helped build him into the man I love so deeply, even if he doesn’t feel the same.
I remember that first night when I knew I felt something different for him, when I realized having him holding my hand was a different kind of feeling.
I also realized I never wanted that feeling, that little glitch and tug in my heart, to stop.
“You’ll understand someday,” my father tells me, keys in hand, almost like he can’t wait to get out the door. “Someday, you’ll want to be happy, too, and you’ll realize the importance of sacrifice to get it.”
I want to scream at him. Tell him I hate him. Say he’s horrible. The worst dad ever.
But I just stand there in silence, willing myself to keep it together, to not show him my emotion. My anger, my sadness, my pain.
Because if I show that to him, he might love me even less than he already does.
He gives me a hug, something short and lacking any of the depth an embrace from a dad about to leave his daughter should contain.
Then he pats me on the head, like I’m a fucking dog, and leaves, his car backing out of the drive and then pulling away.
I think I sit there for hours, but I can’t be sure.
All I know is that the sun is positioned in a completely different part of the sky by the time Lucas shows up.
He drops his bike on the ground when he sees me and rushes to my side, not even bothering to put up the kickstand even though Mrs. Pearson is always yelling at him to not throw his bike on the ground.
“I worried when you weren’t at school today,” he says, taking a seat next to me. “What’s going on?”
I don’t tell him I got all the way to school and then had to hear from Ellison that my dad was leaving my mom.
I hadn’t even known about the affair yet.
But apparently Ellison had.
“Lenny?”
Lucas’ voice is so calming, so caring, so unlike the cold and brittle tone my dad used any time he talked to me.
“My dad left,” I finally say, though I don’t look at him.
I don’t want to see his face when he realizes I couldn’t get my dad to stay, that I wasn’t brave enough to beg him not to go.
“Like…on a trip?” he asks, his voice confused.
That’s when I turn and look at him, and when Lucas sees my face, his own expression falls.
“Oh.”
We sit there for a few minutes in silence, and I wonder what he must be thinking—about me, about my dad, about my family.
Then I feel his hand brush against my skin, his fingers nudging my hand slightly until they’re laced in between mine. He squeezes once, and I can’t help but feel like this is the most loved and cared about I’ve ever felt in my entire life.
“It’s okay to cry, Lennon,” Lucas says. “I know you don’t think it’s okay, but it is. I promise.”
