Page 259 of Falling Backwards
That’s what her arms feel like to me.
I never want to leave—and yet I know that when I inevitably do have to pull away and let little bits of the world between us again, it won’t be for long.Her doors won’t shut me out again.I will never again be unwelcome in the space next to her heart.And I will never go back to feeling as if I’d be safer away from her.
This is where I fucking belong.
My voice still isn’t going to be substantial, but I speak again anyway.“Thank you.For everything you’ve said.And done.”
She nods, but before she can respond aloud, I realize I have one more thing to confess to her.
“And I shouldn’t have gone with Jayden tonight.I’m sorry I did.You were right to question what I was doing and to be upset.I’ve felt weird about him for a while now and I wish I’d listened to that and to you, instead of meeting up with him and harming you in the process.I shouldn’t have picked that fucker over you in any way, and it’ll never happen again.”
One of her hands stops clutching me so securely and takes up a tender rub at that place on me.“It’s okay.”
“Forgive me?”
“Yes.”She finds a way to snuggle into our hug a little bit more.“You weren’t out with him for as long as I thought you’d be.Did you have a bad time?”
I shift so I’m able to hold her and mess with her hair at the same time.“Yeah.Before I went in, I had this feeling that I shouldn’t even bother, but I thought I’d give him a chance to be different from how he’s always been.I…honestly, I wanted to know if he was sorry for the bet.He wasn’t, though.He was the same person as ever.Worse, in some ways.So I didn’t even….I don’t think I was with him for fifteen minutes before I wanted to leave—before Ileft.I had ordered a beer and then never even took a drink of it.I just threw some money on the table and walked out.”
She sighs lightly, but I can feel the weight underneath.
Damn it, I’m pissed at him for the things he said at Merritt’s.
Maggie says lightly, too, “I’m glad you left.”
“So am I.”
I dwell oneverythingJayden said, plus the way he acted…
…and damn if I don’t realize how similar he is to my dad.
Never caring if his behavior hurts anyone.Insulting people when they stand up to him.Not apologizing for things he’s done wrong.
Idon’tcare to dwell on why I’ve put up with one person like that and not another.From here on out, I’m not putting up with it at all.
Maggie says, “I’m sorry I accused you last night of not caring about me and how I felt.Itseemedlike you didn’t care how I felt, but…but I couldn’t think straight.I couldn’t think past how shocked and hurt I was.”
“I understand,” I murmur.“It’s all right.”Shifting again, I feel for her forehead, then slip my fingers beneath her bangs so I can brush at her scar.“I cared, though.Always have, always will.”
She turns her face and clumsily presses two kisses to my wrist.
Pulse skipping, I add, “I’m so fucking crazy for you that I feel like I could fly when I make you happy and like I’m being buried alive when you’re upset.”
“Me, too, for you,” she says against my skin, the hum of her words reaching right into my fluttering veins.“God,me, too, for you.”
I love that feeling and also can’t stand it being there instead of on my lips.I fumble to tilt her face up, then seek out her mouth with mine.
I also love the cling of this kiss.The steadiness.The simplicity.The softness.
And I love that it ends with her smile.
It makesmesmile through the lingering rawness of what we’ve been talking about.
Thinking back to how settled I felt before this last big talk has me realizing I was really only most of the way there.Now Iamthere.Not all the dark spots in my life have been worked out, but I’ve stopped running from them—I’ve faced them with Maggie’s help, been outright freed from some of them, been taught how to fight the others.
Everything is gonna be okay.
I hear the thought in both her voice and my own; she told me earlier,‘It’s all okay,’and I know that’s right.
