Page 258 of Falling Backwards
Maggie holds me while it happens, her sniffles and tight breaths matching mine.
“I’m so sorry,” she tells me.“He’s an asshole, Luke.It’s not you, it’s him.I’m so sorry for everything he’s put you through.”
“Isit me, though?”I have to ask in my cracking voice, his talk of immaturity ringing in my head.“A l-little bit?”
“No.”
“Not in terms of being good enough for him, but—but in terms of trying?Am I supposed to be tr-trying harder?I still don’t feel like I belong in his life, but what if it really is ’cause I can’t get over how I feel?”
I feel Maggie shake her head.“No.”
“Should I be sucking it up like he says?Is he right to say not everything revolves around how I feel?Should I fake being oka-ay until one day I justfeelokay?Should I at least be trying to be the bigger man and trying to do the right thing by being nice to the others and—?”
“No,Luke.”
She unravels her embrace of me and finds my face with both of her hands.She wipes at my tears again, though it doesn’t really do anything to dry my cheeks.
What it does do is interrupt my nervous babbling better than her words have.
I take a few seconds to focus on her touch, her warmth, her series of nos.Then I echo, “No?”
“No,” she repeats with soft earnestness.“Your feelings are valid and they’re yours to work through.He can tell you it’s time to get over it all he wants, can try to make it seem like you’ve been throwing a years-long fit, but at the end of the day, it’s his fault you’re in this place and it’s not up to him when you get out of it.These are the consequences for choices he made.You didn’t ask for any of what has happened.”
My brain soaks that up while it hangs on each new word she says.
“I’msoangry that he would make you feel like this, as if it wasn’t bad enough for him to have cheated and then walked out on you and your mom—and God, whatthatdid to you breaks my heart.I don’t have divorced parents, but it makes all the sense in the world to me that that pain would stick around for a long, long time.That it would be layered and hard to shake.Maybehedidn’t have trouble moving on, but he can’t demand that you grow up about it.There isn’t even any growing up to do.It doesn’t matter how old you are when it comes to dealing with this.You’re not being immature.And you would not be doing the right thing if you were to betray yourself and ignore how you feel just to shut him up or earn his approval or appease the others.”
I sigh thickly, shakily.Tune in to how one of my hands has been grasping her shirt in a fist like I’m holding on to her for dear life.
The wounded parts of me kind ofare.
They’re also kind of calming down, though.Their pangs are lessening, allowing what she’s saying to soothe them.
She and I are quiet for a little while.We, too, work on calming out of the tearfulness and the unsteady breathing.
Then I scrape out, “What if I never really can move on?I know he’s my dad, and he’s said before that it hurts the others for me to not be in their life, but what if I never feel ready?What if I never feel like I can try to forgive him or be a part of his family?”
Fingers drift up into my hair, the touch of their tips delicate.“Then that’ll just be your path.There isn’t a rule saying you have to eventually try to get along with someone who has hurt you, especially if they haven’t apologized or tried to be better to you.Heisyour dad, so I think part of you will always love him…I think that’s a big reason why you’re hurt, you know, because you’ve always loved him and never felt the love in return…but he’s also just a person.If you never decide you wanna be friendly to him or spend time with him or get to know his new family, then, Luke, you don’t have to.You never have to do anything you don’t wanna do or don’t feel right about.”Now her fingertips trace down the side of my face.“You know that.”
I find myself nodding.
“It’s all up to you,” she murmurs.“Maybe you’ll never be ready.Or maybe someday you’ll be ready forsomethings, like knowing your little brother or texting your stepsiblings but not having a relationship with your dad.Maybe you’ll always hold a grudge against him and your stepmom for having that affair.Or maybe one day you’ll wake up and think letting go doesn’t feel impossible anymore.”
I nod some more.She’s right.
“But you don’t have to worry about any of that right now.You don’t have to play the what-if game or try to map out different ways to navigate this.Just honor how you feel.You’re allowed to do that for as long as you need to.”Her fingers curl against my cheek.“And remember to be nice to yourself while you do it, because you…earlier, you said I was golden, and I want you to know you are too.It doesn’t matter how anyone else tries to make you feel.Not even your own dad.You’regolden.You’re—you’re beautiful, Luke.”Her voice falls to a whisper.“You’re beautiful to me.”
With my heart swelling fast in my chest, I wrap her up in my arms again, pulling her into as tight a hug as I dare to give her.
“You’rebeautiful,” I whisper back.“God, you are, Maggie.”
She coils her arms around me, too, her face burrowing against my neck.
I don’t know how long we stay like this.
The only movements we make are a slight adjustment for her knee and a shift of our faces so we can breathe a little better.
Sanctuary.
