Page 260 of Falling Backwards
Except actually, I know everything won’t be justokay—it’ll be good, great, the best.
Not just because I really, finally have Maggie, but also because I really, finally have myself.
CHAPTER
THIRTEEN
M A G G I E
“You’re sure these look okay?”I ask Emma, turning in the fitting room doorway so she can see the pants from all angles…again.“They’re not too tight?”
“They’re great.”She looks at me curiously.“You keep asking that, though, so do theyfeeltoo tight?”
“No, butI….”
Instead of finishing the sentence, I shake my head.
Damn the work pants I have at home; I couldn’t find one pair of them and discovered a hole in the other.My Lucent-appropriate black dresses are dirty, which is my own fault, but still.Emma was the only one free to accompany me to the mall so I can shop for pants to wear for my shift in a little while, and I’ve tried to be quick, but it has taken me almost an hour to end up with the pants I have on now.I like them except that I feel kind of thick in them.The next size up is too big, so it’s this size or nothing.
Fixing things with Luke the other day lightened up a deeply heavy place in me, but I still feel heavy in other ways.Even though my knee is starting to noticeably improve, it’s not doing so quickly enough that I’ve been able to get back to my cardio.
“You what, sister?”
I blink out of watching my hands rub at my hips.Emma is watching me closely.
I open my mouth to dismiss the subject, lifting a hand to literally wave it off.
The tilt of her head stops me.For being such a slight thing, it sure does say a lot.‘Answer me,’and,‘I see how uncomfortable you look,’and,‘Now that I’ve cottoned on to whatever this is, I’m not gonna let it go, because I love you.’
Nervousness touches me.I love her, too, so much—and Joy—but there’s a reason I’ve kept my thoughts about my body to myself.There’s a reason I haven’t told either of them why I started exercising or that having to pause it has been hard.
That’s dumb, though,isn’t it?some quiet part of me acknowledges.The girls are my chosen family.I can go to them with anything.I never have to be too embarrassed to talk to them.
I look down from Emma’s expectant gaze.
And…well, I don’t know where that little part of me has been all this time, but…in a soft rush, I realize it’s right.
What have I been hiding my feelings from my best friends for?Being embarrassed truly isn’t a good reason.Besides, I already haven’t hidden them from Luke.
“Maggie?”Emma prompts gently.The place she holds in my heart warms from how I’m one of the special few people who get to hear that tone from her.
Two other women enter the fitting area, diminishing what privacy we have.So I diffidently reply to Emma, “I’ll tell you in a minute.”
After I’m closed into my little room again, I sigh and look at my reflection.I can’t help thinking again that I feel….
But the thought doesn’t actually form in full.Other quieter yet firmer thoughts overtake it, like that the pants do look pretty good and they’re a fine choice for work and Luke told me recently that I’m too hard on myself about clothes and I decided he was right, so what’s different between then and today?
Now as I look at my reflection, I try to see myself in that light instead of in one of judgment.
I nod with something like approval.
All right, then.Settled.Time to pay and get out of here.
Halfway through that plan, Emma links her arm with mine in a silent,‘Okay, spill,’ kind of way—we’re done at the checkout counter, but we’re still in the store.There isn’t anyone close to us, though, so I don’t try to wait until we’re in the open area of the mall.I should’ve told her and Joy this stuff long ago.
