Page 87 of The Golden Boy's Guide to Bipolar
“Why?” Aaron asks. “Why draw it out when your heart’s not in it?”
“God wants me to be with a girl,” I find myself saying. I feel like my filter is completely gone today.
I expect everyone to react to the news that I’m queer, but the only reaction I get is that Dr. Lee gives a little micro frown, and Zo looks like they just ate a bitter lemon.
“That’s bullshit,” they say.
“Agreed,” echoes Avery.
I snap my head toward him. “Don’t be a fucking hypocrite, aren’t you straight now too for the same exact reason?”
Avery opens his mouth like he has something to say but only croaks a little.
“God isn’t even real,” Aaron adds. “Who cares what sky daddy thinks?”
I glare at him next. “He’s real.”
“Okay,” Dr. Lee interjects. “We’re not here to invalidate anyone’s belief system or sexuality. Why don’t we use ‘I’ statements instead of blanket statements?”
“Fine,Idon’t believe in God,” Aaron says.
“Well,Ido,” I shoot back, my hand automatically reaching for the cross necklace that’s no longer around my neck. Right. I took it off a long time ago. I shake my head. “IknowHe’s real. I’ve talked to Him.”
Zo puts a hand on my shoulder, and I flinch. They’re so touchy with everyone, but this is the first time they’ve tried it with me.
“What?” I snap at them.
“Sorry, it’s just... I can relate. I believe in God too, but whenI’m manic, sometimes I have delusions about Him. It’s a complicated relationship since I can’t always trust my feelings, you know?”
“I’m not delusional,” I say quickly, though I can’t help but remember Abuela telling me that exact same thing. But they’re both wrong. “I’m not fucking crazy. I’m chosen,” I say, ignoring the fact that, yeah, Isoundkind of crazy. But who cares? None of them would get it.
I have a special relationship with God now. I messed up by blaming it on “mania” or whatever before. Just because I had a crash doesn’t mean I can’t believe what I saw and heard before that.
That conversation I had in Abuela’s bathroom with God wasreal. And now I’ve done the work. I can be patient. I’ll wait for His sign, and then I’ll get to go straight to heaven.
“I just have to walk the path God laid out for me, and everything will be fine,” I say.
Just then, Avery stands up abruptly and speed-walks out of the room.
I stop talking then, watching him leave. Was it something I said?
I look down at my feet, where Avery’s water bottle is sitting, since he gave it to me. Maybe he needs it right now. I let out a sigh since I might have been a little harsh on him. “I’ll go check on him.”
I follow Avery out to the hallway, but since I don’t see him there, I go to check the bathroom next.
As soon as I open the door, I can hear him hyperventilating in one of the stalls. I walk in front of the stall and roll the water bottle underneath, just like Jamal did for me all those weeks ago.
Avery doesn’t reject it like I did, though. I just hear him opening the bottle and splashing some water on his face.
“Thanks,” he croaks.
“What happened?” I ask.
He’s quiet for a while. “Um, religion is kind of a trigger topic for me, I guess.”
“Oh...” For a second, I almost apologize, but instead I just ask, “You okay?”
“Yeah.” Then after a moment, the stall door opens, and he comes out to meet me. “You know, we have to stop meeting like this.” He grins.
