Page 86 of The Golden Boy's Guide to Bipolar
“I don’t hate you, Yami,” I say just as quiet. Then, loud enough to make sure she hears me, “I could never hate you.”
“Then why did you do it?”
“Because I’m a bad person!” I find myself shouting. “Why is that so hard for everyone to understand? I’m a bad person, I hurt people, I fuck everything up, I ruin lives! That’s why you’re better off leaving!” I don’t realize I’m crying again until she yanks me into a hug.
It’s the first time we’ve hugged since before I hooked up with Bianca at that party. I sink into her embrace and cry harder, and I can feel from the movement of her chest and shoulders that she’s crying too.
“You’re not a bad person, Cesar,” she says through sniffles as she pulls herself away to look me in the eye, hands firmly grasping my shaking shoulders as her shiny pupils bore into mine. “You can hurt everyone around you as much as you want, but you can’t make us stop caring about you, okay? It’s just not gonna happen. Tú eres mi otro yo.”
I can’t hold myself together at that phrase.You are my other me.Yami has always been that for me. It’s always been the two of us, no matter what. I think back to the last time she said that to me. It was when I was inpatient at Horizon.
I ask her the same question now that I asked her then, still somehow completely at a loss for the answer. “Why did God make me like this if I’m not supposed to be like this?” My voice cracks, and she pulls me close to her again, this time letting me cry into her lap. “I hate being like this... I hate it so fucking much.”
She strokes my hair while I sob. She doesn’t bother telling me what she told me back then. That there’s nothing wrong with me. Nothing to fix. That God made us exactly how we’re supposed to be. She knows I wouldn’t buy it. Instead, she just says, “I love you. I love you. I love you.”
30
When You’re Itching for Another Fight
Antagonizing Others
I’m about to ditch group again the next week, but this time Mami is actually paying attention when I get out of therapy. She’ll notice if I make a run for it instead of going to the bathroom. I sigh and end up trudging along to group instead of following Nia to freedom.
I pretend not to listen, but everyone’s giving updates from last week that I’m definitely not curious about because I definitely don’t care about these people.
Zo’s boyfriend finally came around and had a pansexual awakening and no longer identifies as straight. Don’t care.
Aaron finally told his girlfriend he has borderline personality disorder, and she dumped him. Don’t care.
Avery thinks he might actually like someone now. Don’t. Care.
I definitely don’t care.
Then it gets to me, and I already regret mentioning having to do my senior project with The Ex because everyone wants to know how that’s going. I try to keep it short, but as soon as I start talking, it all just kind of slips out. I tell them about the other night, and howmy sister and her girlfriend had to babysit me and the ex. I mention the talk I had with Jamal without gendering him, and the one I had with Yami, and how I feel guilty that they both just want me to be happy, even after everything I’ve done to hurt them.
“You sure you’re over your ex, bro?” Aaron asks, and I shake my head.
“I’m not,” I admit.
“Being able to realize you still love someone, but also to admit that you’re not ready to commit to the relationship just yet, shows some real maturity,” Dr. Lee says. And for once, I don’t despise the words coming out of her mouth. It’s the first time I’ve felt validated in all of this.
Of course I want to be with Jamal. But what I want doesn’t matter when I’m this fucked up.
But then I realize Ididcommit to a relationship. With Bianca.
And dammit, I feel fucking trapped.
“So, would you get back with your ex after you get better?” Zo asks.
“No,” I say immediately. “I have a girlfriend.”
Aaron frowns. “Isn’t that kind of messed up if you still love your ex?”
“Yeah, well, I do a lot of messed-up shit,” I say. I’m not proud of it, but it’s true. It is kind of fucked up.
“Do you want to break things off with your girlfriend?” Zo asks, leaning forward like they’re really interested.
“Well, yeah,” I finally admit, and I know it makes me a horrible person. I wonder if God will be disappointed in me if I break up with Bianca. “But I feel like I’m supposed to be with her.”
