Page 88 of The Golden Boy's Guide to Bipolar
Is he... flirting with me?
At that, I can’t help the burst of anger that rushes through me. I almost forgot who Avery was to me. “Don’t fucking do that,” I snap.
His smile drops. “I was just joking.”
“Yeah, well, it’s not funny. You used to beat the shit out of me for being queer and now you think you can just casually make jokes about it? Fuck you.”
“I never actually hit you,” he says, as if that makes it any better.
“Oh, thank youso muchfor holding me down while your friends beat the shit out of me, my mistake.” I turn to walk out, but he puts a hand on my shoulder.
“Look, I’m sorry, okay?” he says softly. “I know that doesn’t fix what I did, but I’m still sorry. You don’t have to forgive me.”
I let out a heavy breath. If I hadn’t already forgiven him, I doubt I’d be here trying to help him out of a panic attack. My feelings about Avery are complicated. I guess I don’t know who heis anymore. He used to be a bully for sure, but now? We’re both in treatment, and he’s got PTSD from religious trauma, and he knows how to help me out of a panic attack....
“Why’d you do it?” I finally ask. It still doesn’t make any sense. Avery doesn’t even act like he likes Nick, but he still follows him around and does everything the guy says.
Avery lets out an unsteady breath. “I guess you do deserve to know... but you can’t tell anyone,” he says, crossing his arms like he’s giving himself a hug.
“Okay,” I say tentatively, no idea what to expect.
He leans his back against the bathroom wall and slides to the floor. I sit across from him with my own back leaning against the divider between two stalls.
“I’ve known Nick since we were little because our parents go to the same church. It didn’t used to be as bad before, but he’s always kind of been... well, you know how he is.”
I nod, but don’t say anything.
“I didn’t even realize I was gay yet when Nick figured it out. He knew my parents would lose their shit so he promised he wouldn’t say anything. But after that he just kind of held it over my head whenever he wanted something. We were twelve then.”
“So he blackmailed you?”
Avery nods. “I basically became Nick’s fall guy. At first it wasn’t so bad, I’d just do his homework for him and stuff, but every time I did something for him, he’d test the limits even more.”
“Like how?” I don’t really know why I’m asking. I guess I want to know what kind of stuff Nick needs people to do for him. Maybe it’s something to use against him later, I don’t know.
“Like shoplifting, slashing people’s tires he didn’t like, stuff that’s like, against the law. I did whatever he wanted for almost a year before I got sick of it. I went to confession and told the priest everything. I don’t know why I thought he’d be able to fix any of it.”
I have a hard time responding. Maybe I should tell him I did the same thing. That this all started for me with a similar confession to a priest. But instead I just nod so he knows I’m still listening, and he keeps going.
“Anyway, the priest told my parents, and they sent me to conversion therapy. It, uh... didn’t work. In case you haven’t figured that out. But I pretended like it did.”
That part has me a little annoyed. Avery said he went to conversion therapy when he was thirteen, but he still follows Nick around everywhere. I bet if Nick asked him to hold me down while he kicked my ass today, Avery would do it. “If Nick thought you were straight after that, why do you still do what he says? Why are you still scared of him?”
Avery leans his head back against the wall and closes his eyes, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he prepares for whatever he’s about to say. “Like I said, I did a lot of illegal shit for him. He can basically get me sent to jail any time he wants. And after that party, he almost did.”
I glance down at Avery’s ankle, now free from the monitor, and remember Nick’s injury. Ever since the party where Nick and Bianca broke up, he’s been wearing that boot.
“What happened?”
“It was so stupid.” Avery runs a frustrated hand through his hair. “Nick was pissed off after the breakup, so we all went tosome construction site and he just started smashing shit, letting off steam or whatever. The cops showed up from a neighbor’s noise complaint, I guess, so we ran. Nick landed on his foot wrong when he jumped the fence, so he told me if he got caught, he’d snitch on me about all of it. It was either take the fall for it so the rest of them could help Nick get out of there, or let Nick get caught and end up in way more trouble.”
“Shit...” This whole time, I’d known that whatever happened after that party got Nick his injury and Avery on probation, but I didn’t realize it wasmy fault. Nick and Bianca basically broke up because of me. And I’m sure me dating Bianca after the fact didn’t help Avery’s situation either.
“So, yeah... like I said, I am sorry, but I don’t exactly have a way out at the moment. I get it if you can’t forgive me.”
I can’t lie, it really sucks to get confirmation that Avery would, in fact, still hold me down while his friends beat me if Nick asked him to. But I guess I can’t really blame him. Especially when I’m the reason he got put on probation in the first place. If I was in his position, I don’t know if I could promise to be any different. For all the people I’ve hurt who still willingly put up with me, it just feels unfair if I get forgiven and he doesn’t.
“Okay,” I finally say. “I forgive you.”
