Page 106 of Tangled Hearts
Every single atom in my body is aching for me to turn around, begging me to go back. I can’t, though. There’s no way I can. It’s too much. It’s just all too fucking much. I need time to breathe. And Eli has his dads. He’ll be okay. It’ll be okay.
I can’t help but feel like maybe that’s not true at all. Like maybe he’ll never forgive me for walking away from him like that.
Chapter 34
Eli
When Nic disappears out the side door, my tears start fresh. “We should have told him,” I say, frustrated. With them. With myself. With this whole fucking night. This was supposed to be a good night.
Roman sighs. “Holden doesn’t want us to.”
“But that’s not fucking fair. Heleftme because you all decided to keep him in the dark.” The words make something in my chest crack wide open. I don’t think he left me. Not really. I know what it looks like when someone needs a break. When they’re running from their own thoughts and not a person or a place. “He told me he loves me,” I choke out, sniffling. “He told me he loves me, and I didn’t even get to say it back.”
Beck drops to the ground beside me, pulling me into a hug. “You’ll get to tell him, kiddo. Let’s give him a bit to calm down, okay? I’ll go talk to him in the morning. Do you still want to go home with us?”
I’m torn. A huge part of me wants to go home to Nic, but I’m scared. I’ve never seen Holden like that. Never. Not even when he toldme about his past. When he told me the things that happened to him. He’s always been so… stoic. So strong.
I wanted to be that. I looked up to that. To him. I still do, of course. But what the actual fuck was that?
“What happened?” Roman asks softly. “What did he see?”
Oh great. On top of all this, now I get to tell my dads about my kinks? Perfect. “Nothing bad.” At least I don’t think so. “Nic had his hand on my throat, like wrapped around it. He wasn’t choking me; I wanted it,” I say, harsher than I mean to.
Beck chuckles, but it sounds sad. “You’re alright, Eli. No need to jump to the defensive. We know he wouldn’t hurt you.”
I sigh, relaxing a bit. “And then, I don’t know. Something just… went out in his eyes. I’ve never seen him look like that before.” Tears drip down my face and my hands start shaking.
Beck wraps his arms around me, and I bury my face against his chest and take a few deep breaths, trying to calm myself down. “He was hurting himself,” I whisper, echoing Nic’s words.
And I still don’t know how to process that Uncle Julian didn’t stop when he was asked to. I get it. I understandwhyhe couldn’t let Hold hurt himself, but I don’t at the same time. It’s like it doesn’t compute.
Of course I got the safe sex talk from Beck and Roman, but Holden gave me his own version of the talk. He talked to me about consent and how important it was. How Uncle Julian has always listened to him and respected him and his boundaries. He told me about his past and the things he survived, and now my stomach’s full of knots over the thought that Uncle Julian obliterated that trust by not listening to Holden when he told him no. What does that mean? “Do you think Holden and Julian are going to be okay?” I ask into Beck’s chest.
He rubs a hand down my back, soothing me. “Yeah, they’ll be okay.”
Tears well up in my eyes. “But Julian didn’t listen to him.”
“What do you mean?” Roman asks from behind me.
I pull myself from Beck’s arms and turn to look at him, swiping at my eyes. “I don’t know what happened really, but Uncle Holden was freaking out and—it was like… Holden kept sayingnoandstopand Julian—” My voice cuts off as a sob works its way up my throat. “Julian didn’t listen to him.”
Beck stands, only to start pacing. “I’m gonna go talk to my mom and dad, okay? You guys stay here. They’ll finish up for us, and then we’ll go home.”
I nod. “Okay,” I whisper.
After he leaves, Roman comes around, kneeling in front of me. “It’s gonna be okay, Eli.”
Fresh tears spill over my lashes. “It doesn’t feel like it’s gonna be okay, Dad.”
He nods. “I know. Holden’s strong, though. He’ll be okay.”
I shake my head. “You didn’t see him. You didn’t see the look in his eyes.” I inhale raggedly, trying to compose myself.
Beck steps back into the hallway. “Okay, we’re good. Mom’s gonna finish up. Come on. Let me get you two home.”
He reaches out a hand, helping first Roman and then me to our feet.
We walk out of the building together. None of us talk. I’m not sure what to even say right now. Part of me wants them to take me home so I can be with Nic. I don’t want him to be alone. Not even a little, but he ran off, so maybe alone is what he needs.
