Page 105 of Tangled Hearts
Eli’s words echo in my head.He told me you always listen when he says no.
Does that mean someonedidn’tlisten? Did someone… rape my brother? My body goes cold and tingly, the numbness in my fingertips spreading up my hands and making its way through my limbs.
I sway a little on my feet, my mind racing as it tries to fill in the blanks of what those words mean. Nothing good. They mean nothing good. My stomach lurches and my heart pounds against my chest.
“Nic,” Beck says, stepping in front of me, his hand still on my shoulder. “Breathe.”
I jerk away from him. I don’t want to be touched right now. Can’t be. “I’m fine.”
Beck shakes his head. “You’re not, and that’s okay. It’s okay not to be fine.”
I shake my head. “What if I made it worse? I was touching him. He was trying to get away, and I was trying to hold him down. Trying to stop him from… What if I made it worse?”
My knees buckle, and Beck catches me, helping me slide to my ass on the ground. “You didn’t make it worse,” Beck tries to assure me.
“But what if I did?” I practically shout the words, my throat closing up as soon as they’re out.
I blink, and Roman’s in my face. “You didn’t. He was triggered. It wasn’t your fault.”
“He was hurting himself,” I whisper, my mind once again showing me the images of the blood staining Holden’s throat. I glance down at my hands, staring at the matching blood on my fingers. “He was hurting himself,” I repeat.
Roman nods. “You did the right thing.”
“Why?” I ask, and Roman’s brow furrows in confusion. “Why did it trigger him? What about seeing Eli and me together triggered him?” My throat tightens to the point of pain. “What happened to him?”
I’m not sure that I even want to know the answer, but none of them say a single word. They all stare at me. No one speaks. Eli holds eye contact for only a second before looking away. “Why the fuck won’t you all tell me anything?”
Roman looks at his lap. “It’s not my story to tell.”
“That’s fucking bullshit!” Anger quickly takes over my panic. “That’s bullshit, and you fucking know it! Beck told me aboutyourpast.”
Roman and Beck share a glance. “He asked us not to,” Beck says, effectively cutting off my spiraling thoughts and replacing them with something worse.
He asked them not to?
And clearly he wasn’t going to.
Why wouldn’t he want me to know?
What did I do wrong?
The pressure in my chest builds until I think it might make me implode. “He doesn’t trust me.”
“That’s not true.” Beck’s words sound like bullshit because if Holden trusted me, he would have told me. I don’t fucking like not knowing things. I don’t like being kept in the dark. The last time I was kept in the dark, my best friend was fucking my goddamn fiancé.
But then, is that really fair? Is it fair to be mad at Holden for something like this with the secret Eli and I have been keeping? And who the fuck do I even think I am, demanding to know someone’s trauma? But I can’t help feeling like if I knew, I could have acted differently and handled the situation better. Maybe I could have avoided it altogether. It’s not fair to Holden at all. He doesn’t deserve for me to be upset with him. He didn’t fucking do anything wrong.
I can’t do this. I can’t be here. “I have to go,” I choke out, pushing to my feet.
“Nic!” Eli shouts, but I’m already disappearing. Already halfway out of the hallway. “Please don’t leave.”
The quiet plea breaks my heart, but I can’t do this. I need time. Not from him. Not like that. Just… to think. I don’t even glance back as I slam open the double doors leading outside and walk to my car.
I barely feel the muggy air outside, barely feel anything. Everything is going numb again. I open my Jeep door and climb inside, trying to calm my racing heart so I can drive home.
Home.Is it still my home? Will Eli still want me after I left him there crying, asking me not to? I don’t know. I sure fucking hope so, but I can’t go back in there. I’m about to unravel, lose my shit. I can’t go back right now.
I put the car in drive and pull out, hands clutching the steering wheel so tightly I’m losing blood flow.
