Page 94 of The Quarterback
“Wes and I got engaged.” Justin stared out the windows into the trailing edge of the sunset. Persimmon and navy wrinkled the horizon. “That’s why we came home early. I wanted to tell you in person. I wanted us to celebrate together.”
“Congratulations.” He swallowed back a bitter wave of regret. “I’m sorry I ruined your plans.”
Justin sighed and shook his head. “Dad, we need to talk.”
He’d begged for this moment, had cried to his walls for Justin and Colton tocome back. He didn’t want to push, so he’d let them take the lead, and after a silent week he got the message, loud and clear. Neither of them wanted him. He was in their past. The right thing to do would be to exit their lives gracefully. Make it easier on them by not being an albatross around their neck, a constant reminder of someone—something—horrible they wanted to forget. He’d set Colton free from the internship so Colton could leave fully, the way he’d left Nick’s home and tried to walk out of Nick’s heart.
Nick sank to the sofa, his body unwilling to hold him up anymore.
Memories hovered around him like a fog. Once, Colton had laid his head in Nick’s lap as he’d playedRed Dead. They were sitting right there, Colton’s long legs stretched out and his ankles hanging over the end of the sofa. The game was fun, but what was better was watching the light in Colton’s eyes and the small, flickering smile that danced over his face. He could almost feel Colton’s hair sliding through his fingers.
Justin took his time perching on the couch. He waited, watching Nick with intense, flint-hard eyes. Nick couldn’t read his son, couldn’t tell what Justin was feeling. Was that distance, or dismissal? Was this goodbye?
“Dad, you said I’m your whole world. Is that true?”
Justin’s question hit him like a punch. He swallowed. Clutched Colton’s football in both hands. “Of course. You’re my son. I love you with everything I am, and I always will.”
“Does that mean you don’t have room to love anyone else, then?”
He blinked.
“ShouldI be your whole world?” Justin’s face twisted into a glare, and he ran one hand through his hair as he looked away. “You need something besides a son in your life, right? Don’t you want more than that?”
Nick’s jaw dropped.
“You weren’t happy with Mom, I know, especially at the end. Maybe I haven’t ever seen you really happy, not like you could be. Have you ever felt like I feel with Wes? Were you…” Justin’s chin wobbled, and the granite look he’d worn since he’d stormed in dropped away for one moment, revealing flashes of pain, confusion, regret. Then the wall was back, Justin’s eyes dark and cold as he pinned Nick with a glare. “Were you happy with Colton?”
“I…” A gouge opened deep in his chest, and he struggled to breathe. Justin’s gaze froze on him, tension building spiderwebs between them.
He’d been soGoddamnhappy with Colton he needed to invent a new word for it. Happy wasn’t big enough. Being with Colton wasn’t just a moment of joy or a feeling of contentment. It was a white-hot, ignite-the-stars, watch-Colton-sleep-to-hold-on-to-every-moment feeling. Happiness, and so much more. The way Wes looked at Justin and Justin looked at Wes, andmore.
Something, maybe the thing he’d been clinging to for two weeks, shattered inside him. He clenched his teeth and tried to breathe. Kept his eyes locked on his son. “It doesn’t matter how happy I was,” he forced out. “It couldn’t last. He’s going to the NFL—” He was, damn it, he was. Nick wanted to claw his heart out when he let himself consider that Colton’s football career might have been irreparably damaged because of their summer. Because of him. “I mean nothing compared to his future. Colton wants—”
“I don’t think you actually know what the fuck Colton wants.”
He felt his heart stop. Felt the last pump, the last squeeze, and then nothing.
“Colton cared about what you guys had a lot more than you said that morning.”
“That’s not true,” Nick whispered. “Colton left. He hasn’t texted. He hasn’t called. He left me, exactly like I knew he would.”
“Maybe you saying that what you guys had was just a summer fling had something to do with that.”
“How could we be anything else? His career. His dreams. His future. Those are what matter to him. He never made a secret of that. He was always talking about getting back out on the field.” He’d been with Colton at every doctor’s appointment, had listened as Colton said, over and over, that he was going to play again, lead the team again. And now… God, what had he done? Moaning, Nick buried his face in his hands. “I derailed his life. Do you think he’ll ever play again?”
Colton. Colton, my God, I’m so sorry. For everything. I shouldn’t have kissed you back, even though that moment has now tied with another as the best thing that ever happened to me.That kiss. The birth of his son. Two monumental, life-changing events.
“I don’t know,” Justin said carefully. “But when I saw him earlier he wasn’t crying because he was replaced on the team. You’re what he’s thinking about. Whatever you guys had, it meant something to him.” Justin hesitated. “Was hereallyjust a fling, Dad?”
He dug his fingers into his closed eyes. Remembered parking by a lake. A Ferris wheel ride and a stuffed longhorn with a little red rose. Dusty oil fields and secretly held hands on helicopters and airplanes. Colton saying “I know you” and proving it, time and again. Wine tasting and a picture of the two of them, their smiles as huge as the Texas sunrise. A long drive on a ribbon of highway, the taste of Colton’s kiss on his lips.
Panic, both then and now. Soul-deep fear that he was fucking everything up. Desperate hope that he wasn’t.
“He was so much more,” he whispered. “At least to me. To me, he was… everything.”
Justin stayed quiet for a long, long time. Nick heard the ticking of his watch, left behind in his bedroom. The hum of cars crossing the streets below. “It hurt worse,” Justin said, “thinking you were with someone who didn’t matter that much to you. That you did all those things with Colton that you could have done with me, and he wasn’t even someone special—just a fling, you said. Like you didn’t want to go wine tasting or hang out with me, but you’d do it with your boy toy.”
“He wasn’t a boy toy. There are so many damn reasons why I shouldn’t, but, damn it, Ifellfor him. Justin—” Nick groaned. “What kind of a father am I, that I fell for your friend?”
