Page 95 of The Quarterback
“What kind of a son am I, that I’m gay?”
Nick reared back. “What the hell? What kind of question is that?”
“I can’t help who I am or who I fall in love with, Dad, and neither can you. The only thing we can do is fight it or accept it.”
“I don’t think that’s the same thing at all. I hurt you by what I did.”
“You hurt me by lying to me about it, and because of how I found out.” He gnawed on his lip. “Are you happy with Colton? Does being with him make you happy?”
He stared at Justin over the tips of his fingers.White-hot, ignite the stars, watch Colton sleep to hold on to every single moment.Dreams he wouldn’t let himself color in, as if refusing to imagine them would stop his heart from falling that much farther. “Happier than I’ve ever been. I didn’t know I could feel this way for anyone. Especially not a man.”
Justin tried to smile. It was weak, strained. “Maybe you’re gay on your son’s side.” The joke fell a little flat. “Maybe you’re bi. Or maybe you just found the right person for you. Maybe he’s the one.”
“He might be. I can’t imagine feeling like this for anyone else, ever. I thought your mom was my one, but this… it’s so much more.”
“Then go to him, Dad. Talk to him. You guys royally fucked things up, and now you’re both miserable. But you don’t have to be. I think you both want the same thing.”
Was it possible? He’d never dared imagine that Colton would want to stay with him the way Nick wanted him to. That he would want as long as Nick was daring to dream. There was too much stacked against them: Colton’s career, his position on the brink of superstardom. Nick’s age. Why would Colton want someone like Nick when he could have anyone he wanted?
Colton wasn’t the only man he had to consider, though. “What about you?”
“What about me?” Justin gave him another weak smile. “I went off on you, and him, and I said things that were unkind. I’m sorry, Dad.”
“You had every right to be angry.”
“Maybe in some ways, but not others. I wish you would have told me what was going on. I wish I hadn’t found out like I did. But when I think about having you tell me in a text message, or even in a phone call, that you and Colton got together, I don’t know if I would have been any less angry to learn about it that way.”
“I wasn’t going to tell you,” Nick admitted in a whisper. He forced out a breath as Justin’s glare hardened. “Since I was certain Colton and I were going to end when the school year started, I figured I’d stay his secret. I’d never tell anyone, and he wouldn’t have to stress about people knowing we’d been together. I wanted to protect his future.”
“As a gay man, I respect your discretion. As your son and Colton’s friend, I had a right to know. God, I was so pissed off at you I couldn’t even think. But nothing has added up about that morning. Not what you said about the two of you when you also did what you did with the candles and the wine.”
“I wanted that night to be special. The best night Colton ever had, so he’d remember me, hopefully, with a smile, one day.”
“Jesus, Dad…” Justin looked away. Sighed. “I know a little bit about you. Not as much as Colton knows, clearly. But I know enough to recognize that this—“ he waved his hand toward the wreckage of Nick’s condo “—isn’t because of a fling. That’s not how you feel.”
Nick hung his head. “I only wanted the best for him and for you.” He shuddered. “I tried to do the right thing for you both, and I ended up doing the absolute worst.”
“No, the worst thing you did was ignore howyoufelt. You put yourself last, and between you trying to be selfless and Colton not knowing how to handle what he was feeling, you both screwed everything up.”
Nick stared at the floor, silent for a long moment. “It’s like before, when I was trying to do the right thing between you and your mom, and that only made everything worse. It extended the tension and the heartbreak for years. Until I left her for you.”
“Dad, you left Mom foryou. Not for me. I was here, and I could easily have never gone back to that woman or that house. You left her because you needed to.”
It was strange, talking about his divorce with his son. “I stayed too long. I made the wrong choice then. I did that again now, didn’t I? But I was too scared I’d lose you, and Colton would leave anyway, and I’d be alone. Look how well that turned out.”
“You should have talked to Colton. And youcouldhave talked to me. But that’s the past. No more trying to put others first. Forget being scared about me. I’m here, asking you: what doyouneed now?”
The answers came like shooting stars. “You,” he whispered. “And him. I can’t choose, Justin. I can’t love one of you more than the other.”
“Why do you think you have to choose? Colton has a love with you that I won’t know, and the same goes for us. Loving him won’t take away from how you love me, right?”
“You thought it did. You thought I’d replaced you.” His stomach heaved. He clenched his jaw. Dug his fingernails into his palms. “Justin, God—”
“And you said I was wrong. I didn’t hear you that day. But… Dad, you do love me the way I always wanted—or maybe even more than I used to dream about. We’re not flying to New York for a weekend. We’re spending every day together. You’re here, with me. We didn’t go to a winery, but you come to my dance practice and watch me for hours. You love Wes like he’s your son. If Colton is the one for you, then… I’m okay with that. You and Colton together doesn’t hurt me anymore.” Justin held out his hand. “You love me unconditionally, and what I’m trying to say is, Dad, I love you unconditionally, too. I know I need to work on some things. Even if I act like I’m perfect, I know I’m not. But I want us to be okay. I want you in my life, Dad.”
A handclasp wasn’t going to cut it. Nick grabbed Justin and dragged him across the couch, pulling him into his arms as he buried his face in his son’s neck. His chest quaked as sobs tore out of him, and he buckled into Justin’s hold. “I love you so much, Justin. I was so scared I’d lost you, too.”
Justin pressed his face to Nick’s chest for a moment, fingers digging into Nick’s back. “You haven’t. And I don’t think you’ve lost Colton. Go to him. Talk to him.” He sniffed. “After a shower.”
