Page 91 of Knot Her Cowboys
Sometimes I think it would be easier if we’d never met so I could stop missing you for one goddamn day, stop feeling like you took half of who I am with you when you left… But I think that might be worse. I don’t know how it COULD be worse, but twelve years is a long time and I should’ve gotten over you by now. Right? That’s what people do, don’t they? They get over their first love and find another. They move on.
Why can’t I do that?
The others don’t deserve me being stuck on you the way I am. They said they’re fine never having an omega or a serious relationship with anyone as a pack, but I’m not stupid. They’re not fine. They’re resigned. The fucked-up thing is that I know if you came back you’d like them. I didn’t form a pack with them because of that, but I can’t ignore it either. They’d love you, or at least the you I remember. Sometimes I try to figure out who you’d be today, what would’ve changed.
God, I hope you’re happy. I dream that you are.
One of us should be and it sure as fuck isn’t me.
The ink smeared the last couple of words, the paper slightly rippled from where a tear had landed. My chest ached, agony tightening my throat. I wiped away my tears so I didn’t contribute to the damage further.
Am I a terrible person? Did I commit murders in a past life? What did I do to deserve feeling like this every fucking day?
I made my choice. I KNOW that. I stayed for Morgan instead of going with you and I can’t regret that. She’s happynow and she made it out of that fucking hellhole. My brothers would’ve destroyed her before letting her go and I was the only one fighting for her to get out of there. You’d be so proud of her. I wish you could see her now. I never thought I’d see her this happy. I’m staying with her and her pack this weekend, part of my ritual of self-torture I do every year for your birthday. At the very least it lets me know that not being able to follow you wasn’t for nothing.
I still hope you’ll call one day even though I know you don’t have my number and you’d never call the Harris ranch to get it. I don’t fucking blame you for that. I don’t talk to any of my family besides Morgan now that I’m out of that house.
Maybe you’ll just show up one day and put me out of my misery. With my luck you’d show up happily bonded with a pack and kids. It’s not that I don’t want that for you. I do. I just…I want it for me too. I want you to have that WITH me even if it doesn’t make sense anymore.
Trust me, I think I’m losing it too. I can only imagine what my pack thinks about it all. Dakota’s been helping me with it, or at least trying to. Not much luck even after years of therapy. Maybe I’m a lost cause.
Twelve years.
I should’ve given up hope by now. I would have if it was possible. I wake up every day wondering if that’ll be the day my hope finally dies, but it never fucking does.
You’d better be happy. I’m sure as fuck not and I feel like a dick for writing that down. I SHOULD be happy. I couldn’t ask for a better pack and we’re literally living my dream with this ranch, but you’re not here so it’s never felt complete. You always told me I could build a place like this and I did.
I just want you to see it.
I want you to be proud of me.
I want you to come home.
It trailed off from there without his usual sign-off, the page more crumpled than many of the others like he’d crushed it and then flattened it out again before tucking it away with the rest.
A thousand letters. A thousand times he’d thought of me and sat down to write out things he wanted to share with me.
I didn’tdeservehim, but Iwantedhim.
Badly.
He was right that Darlene’s arrival had made me contemplate leaving again, but I’d already allowed her to take so much from me. I’d settled: for alphas I didn’t fit with, for a city that had never felt like home, for a life built on a false sense of security instead of the unconditional love Cooper had always shown me. I owed it to him, and to myself, to be stronger than I had been.
I wasn’t a scared little girl anymore and I wasn’t going to let Darlene win this time.
Cooper was mine.
He’dalwaysbeen mine, and it was about time I made sure he knew that despite all the years and distance I’d always been his, too.
Out under the sun and sky, I could convince myself I hadn’t just ruined everything forever. What was I thinking? I’d basically built a fuckingshrineto Riley and then I’dshown her.
What rational person did that?
Certainly not me.
I’d seen the looks over the years, the curious glances and worried frowns from my packmates each time I disappeared inthere or added something new. Cash had never been surprised by it. He’d helped me steal a bunch of Riley’s stuff from Darlene’s so the miserable hag couldn’t burn it all the second Riley left. Maybe she didn’t even care about those things, butIcared. Her childhood hadn’t been a safe or happy one, but I knew those small pieces had brought her comfort once. It didn’t seem right for Darlene to decide their fate.
Some of the photos she’d given me herself, convinced the airline was going to lose her luggage and the photos would be gone forever. Did she still have the ones she took with her or had those ended up in the trash after she’d met her fiancés?
