Page 109 of The One I Love
I look closer at Shane, and he doesn’t seem mad. It’s more sad. Defeated. I wasn’t expecting that. Unless…
“Shane? Did you think going to those thingswasn’tpart of the lie? Why did you think we were doing it?”
“I don’t know.” He falls into his classic Shane pose—hands clasped, elbows on his knees, staring at the floor. “Whitley arranged it. You could have stopped her. And dresses are a big deal. At least that’s what I always assumed. I didn’t think you’d go unless maybe…”
Is he thinking and about to say what I think he’s thinking and about to say? “Shane? Did you think I was changing my mind?”
He doesn’t say anything. He just nods his head.
“Shane…why would you think that?”
“Because!” He shouts so loud I physically jump back. “Why wouldn’t I? I love you. You love me. I don’t see why we’re not doing this!”
“Because we said that we weren’t doing that!”
“No, Amelia.Yousaid you weren’t doing that. I never agreed. That was all you. Just like everything in this relationship, it’s all you.”
Excuse me? Did he just…
“Wow,” I say, letting his words process. “How long have you been waiting to get that off your chest?”
“Never mind,” he says as he stands up. He slowly turns his back on me, not saying a coherent word. All I hear are deep breaths and a few muttered words under his breath.
“Shane. Don’t you never mind me. You’re going to turn around and say what you need to say.”
I don’t know why, but it’s at this moment I know I’m notthe Amelia of ten years ago. She would have cowered from this fight. But not today.
“Everything I’ve done for the past four months has been for you,” he begins, but he doesn’t turn back around. His voice is lower. More sad than mad, but it still has a bite. “I waited for you. I let you dictate our timeline. Being a secret. When we were going to tell our friends. Our families. That was all you.”
“But did I twist your arm?”
“What?” He turns back around to face me.
“Yes. I’ll take blame for all of that. Because you’re right, all of those were my ideas, but did I force you? I didn’t think I did. I thought you understood. But if you had such a problem with it, why didn’t you say anything?”
“Now you sound like Simon.”
“I never thought I’d say this, but good!” You know this is a jacked-up situation when Simon is the voice of reason. “But why not, Shane? If you had a problem, why didn’t you say anything?”
I sit back down because I need to wait him out. He needs to answer this question, not just sit in silence until I crack.
“I waited for you,” he says. “I waited so long. I didn’t think I had a problem with those things because I wanted you. I wanted us. And if it meant being in secret, then I was good with it. If it meant not telling people, fine, I could live with it.”
“What changed?” I ask. “Why all of a sudden is it marriage or bust?”
He doesn’t say anything. I feel him shutting back down. He turns back to face the wall and doesn’t move.
“Don’t do that,” I say. This is reminding me of that very first night. The fight we had before he kissed me. Where he’d yell, then retreat. I’d yell then he’d shut down. Somehow though, I don’t think this fight is ending in a kiss. “Do you have something to say to me? I might not like it, but clearly there’ssomething eating at you. So say it. Say whatever is on your mind because I can’t take the Shane shut down right now.”
I should have been more careful what I wished for. Because when Shane turns around, I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a more tortured look.
“Eighteen years, Amelia! I waited eighteen fucking years. Then I had you. We had us. It was perfect. And I thought we were there. We talked about it.Youtalked about it. So when you said no—when you wouldn’t even consider it—it felt like…fuck…I don’t know. It fucking hurt. It hurt, and I felt like you weren’t as in this as I was. And then all these appointments kept popping up I thought maybe you were changing your mind. But apparently not. Now it’s not even a discussion. It’s once again what you want goes and I’m just sitting here hoping for a scrap like I did for nearly two decades.”
“Why are you yelling at me like this?” I stand up, squaring up in front of him. “What do you want me to say? I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry I thought we could fix it. I’m sorry we didn’t tell everyone from the start. I’m sorry I came up with this stupid idea. I’m sorry! I apparently forced you into so many things. I’m fucking sorry. There? Happy?”
He doesn’t respond. He just stands there and slow bobs his head in agreement.
“Really? Back to stoic Shane? Anything else? Maybe an apology?”
